Thriller News Filler

I took my baby to see Phish, twice.

2011-06-22T22:16:00.004-04:00

Last week Morgan and I made a major step in the series of “firsts” in parenting. We took Raymond to a two night Phish run in Alpharetta, GA. A year ago I swore I’d never do it – but it made sense and worked out wonderfully! (Despite the crazy weather!!!) As soon as we made the last minute decision to go and take Raymond our friend Dave Vann’s photograph of a little girl holding a “Harpua” sign in the front row on her parent’s shoulders in Ohio stirred up a ton of Facebook chatter about parents taking their kids to shows. As I read through the comments I realized I’d probably made most of them over the past 13 + years of seeing Phish and now I realize even more how ignorant most, if not all, of the negative folks are.

And to be fair, the commentary about fans being too wasted to be around kids would have most likely applied to me until Fenway 2009 when I went to go see my first sober Phish show at 6 (or so) weeks pregnant. On that day and throughout the rest of 2009 I developed a new relationship with the music. I was actually listening to all of the notes – which was an amazing experience … especially during a year when the band seemed like they were the most focused on hitting all of the notes. In 2010 we did a little southern run but I was in no way shape or form prepared to take him to see Phish. Luckily for all 4 of those shows we were able to rely on friends and family to babysit – for what I consider to be the first family friendly Phish run (seriously, how crazy can you get when you’re nursing and have to get up at 6:30/7:00 am with the baby!).

This year, however, we did not know until the last minute when Morgan was invited to a conference in Atlanta that we could make the Alpharetta run (the only shows we would be able to consider for the whole tour). We had not budgeted for the trip so it was a stretch to say the least, but we found a super cheap hotel and made the best with what we had. It seemed like a sign when his work came through – especially as Raymond’s godfather (who he had not met yet) would be in town for the shows … a baptism of sorts???

What were we supposed to do? Evolve into Phish with our child or not? Find a random babysitter on craigslist or take Raymond to experience our favorite band? Not go to see a band we love with friends we never get to see? It was an obvious and natural decision. Time to take the baby to see Phish. And do it right. As I saw a fair amount of shows when I was pregnant I'd already started taking this step. But it was still a leap in parenting as as Phish fans.

I immediately got online and started researching the venue’s policies on strollers, child’s admission, etc. Turns out that Encore Pavilion prides itself on being a family friendly venue and has a family restroom, offers a certificate for kids who are coming to their first shows … the list goes on. Morgan and I started crafting a plan. We would get in at doors, get the best flat spot on the lawn, we would trade off night for who stayed totally sober on Raymond duty … and that person would take Raymond home at set break. In addition we had our AWESOME headphones to protect his ears given to use by good friends as soon as I found out I was pregnant … apparently they knew we’d eventually be crossing this bridge before we did.

Of course, with the exception of having a responsible parent for each night, all of our planning went to shit once we got into show mode/groove mode. The first night was PERFECT. We got in later than we hoped, but were able to put our blanket down next to some of our friends’ friends who were also there with their two older children. We had the perfect flat family friendly zone in the middle of the lawn next to the trees where the sound is great. Raymond LOVED the music and the lights (Chris should have a light show just for kids!!!) and even kept his headphones on. We had lots of support of good friends and parents around us. I also learned that there are these amazing folks on tour who bring in kid’s supplies --- baby sized glow stick bracelets, giant pixie sticks --- and roam the lawn giving them to the kids to help them have a good time. We even got free waters in the lot for Raymond … really awesome supportive vibe from the touring community to have our son there! Morgan was on duty the first night and only once had to step out of our area for a few songs while some folks were smoking. Otherwise Raymond danced the night away and fell asleep in his daddy’s arms during 2001. He slept in the stroller with his headphones on until the end of the show and slept sounding through the night back at the hotel room.

Wednesday night was much more challenging, and I learned a lot about what I could have done better to prepare for the worst case scenario. We got into the venue much later as we’d been waiting for the giant thunder storms to pass. I added a towel, umbrella and change of clothes to the backpack and hoped for the best. We laid the blanket out (maybe mistake #1) and it was immediately soaked through. Once the show started it became very clear that in fact the whole lawn does not have great sound. We moved down closer to the trees where we were the night before and just didn’t put the blanket out (mistake #2) then the winds picked back up and a branch fell off the tree onto the top of my head. It wasn’t that big but it fell a long way and really hurt. Obviously we had to get Raymond away from the falling branches right away.

We found another spot on the lawn were finally getting into a groove when BAM the storm hit us. I tried to cover the front of the stroller with the umbrella but the wind was too high and broke the umbrella. I was determined to leave and not have Raymond out in the weather and we started to run into the plaza when BOOM the lighting started and we had to take cover in the pavilion. They turned on all the lights, the music stopped (at an epic moment) and we took out stroller (against regulation) into the seats. There was an empty VIP box where security let us (and another family with a stroller) set up camp for the next hour of thunder, lighting and ferocious rain. I pulled on my fairly dry towel and wrapped it around Raymond --- who was waving his hands at the stage wanting the band to start back up the whole time!!! The venue was so amazing to give us a safe refuge --- but a total kicker is that as soon as I got the towel wrapped around Raymond security walked up to me and asked if I’d like to go backstage to keep him warm. And I said no, I thought we were okay. REALLY??? I got asked if I wanted to go backstage with Phish and I said NO?????????? Clearly my head was in another place. About this time there was a flood of water pouring off of the lawn and soaking our shoes in 4 or 5 inches of water.

Once the rain seemed to let up we changed Raymond’s clothes but they were just fairly dry and both I am the stroller were soaked, giving us a pretty damp existence. And then the moment came. The venue’s lights went out Kuroda’s lights came on and the band picked back up and rocked. Seriously, the first set wasn’t really doing much for me but when they came back on stage it was a whole other story. Raymond thought so too. I don’t know that I have ever seen him have so much fun. He was totally into the music, waiving his glow sticks and dancing away on my shoulders and in my arms (no way to put him down at all between the wet stroller and standing water). He and the other little girl in our new found VIP box were holding hands and dancing while she was also on her mom’s shoulders and playing with balloons together. It was amazing. This total state of bliss lasted until about 10:30 when he got tired. There was so much stimulation and dampness that he couldn’t just go to sleep like he did the night before. He was a little in and out and I was ready to take him for about 30 minutes but there was still lighting and heavy rain. Not to mention the fact that the lawn was empty and everyone was in the seats/breezeways making it impossible for me to get out. For the most part I could distract him and cheer him up but when he was really done, about 11/11:15 he was pulling off his headphones and I couldn’t have that. Morgan made a path and we forced our way out (apologies if I ran over your toes) and I took Raymond to the car in light rain. He was settled into the car seat just as the sky opened back up and incredible lightning hit so close that it shook my car. I did leave my husband and friends to find a ride back – but I knew they could handle it and we all knew that taking care of Raymond was the priority.

All of that drama with the weather was worth the hour/hour and a half that Raymond and I experienced true musical bliss together in our special baby VIP box. I have transcended another experience with Phish – a new level of love for the band that I have shared with my baby boy, husband and friends. I couldn’t be happier. Will I take him to every show? Probably not. But when the time is right I know now not to hesitate or judge. We’re just expanding our phamily memories together. Many thanks to the friends, band, venue and community of fans that made it such a wonderful experience for us all.

The Lake!

2011-06-01T15:42:00.002-04:00

We enjoyed a long weekend at home here at the Vickery household, which was very nice and a bit overdue. Why does life have to be so busy???????? On Monday we decided to go to Jordan Lake to swim for a nice family outing. We had never been to Jordan Lake before (except driving through) and had no idea where we were going or what to expect. Or when we were going to go in the day.

The lack of planning for this outing was very unlike Morgan (who is a hyper planner when it comes to outdoor activities) or me (who is a hyper planner all the time). We printed out a map, filled up a couple of water bottles, tossed a backpack full of clothes for swimming or maybe hiking and the baby and the dog in the car and headed over.

Raymond LOVED the trip. We say on the beach and had no plan to force him into the water. He sat and watched it for a while and played in the sand before standing and walking over to the edge of the water and inching himself in. There was a bit of surf and I kept worrying that the waves would deter him but they didn’t! He embraced every minute of it!

Next time we’ll be better prepared with a life jacket, water toys, sand buckets etc … for honestly we had no idea what to expect from the location or from Raymond – no expectations turned out to be LOVELY and full of surprises. Happy Memorial Day Lake Trip to US!

And now I'm off to enroll him in swimming lessons.

Check out our Easter!

2011-04-24T16:33:00.002-04:00

Raymond's Easter at Home

update?!?!

2011-04-04T21:25:00.000-04:00

Hello Blog: I have been too busy to be introspective and write about my life or my baby. I guess this is a significant improvement over the first 10 + months of blogging which were often my introspective pity party that come with having too much free time on your hands. Actually, in the case of being a new mother, it’s less having free time on your hands and more not using all the same parts of your brain and they start going a little crazy. I think. Anyway. Life is good.

Raymond is VERY vocal these days. We have a lot of good words: Bubble, Dog, Mammmaaaaa, Dad (or Dadadada), Disc (yes, we have a little disc golfer in the family), ball, ball ball (for basketball, March Madness left a mark around here), cracker (okay, that one sounds more like craaaka) and my very favorite, duck. He is obsessed with being outside. Which is wonderful, except that the weather backtracked a bit last week and it was raining and cold and he didn’t understand why that meant he couldn’t go outside.

We’re a little less than a month out of breastfeeding and it is like it never happened. He does occasionally bat at my boobs and laugh, but that is about it. I am worried sick about him not eating enough, but he is pretty good about telling me when he is hungry or thirsty. Pretty much needs a meal or snack every 2 – 3 hours. It actually seems like MORE work to me now because I have to sit him down and make a snack or meal and give it to him to eat (which is a long process) and clean up whereas before I could just pop him on the boob. My stay at home life is still focused on feeding.

But he still isn’t walking! Okay. Boys walk later. He is just 14 months. He CAN walk for extended periods barely holding onto my finger so I know developmentally he could. But he doesn’t want to … at all. Okay. Deep breath, don’t worry. I think he is just like me. Every winter I think “why would I ski when I’m just going to fall and hurt myself all day” … I imagine Raymond thinks “why would I walk when I am a speed crawler that can get anywhere I want in seconds!”

So that is the Raymond update.

Oh yeah, I turned 30. The age seems less important as I became a mother beforehand. That has been a much more significant life change than the silly age.

Bye Bye BaBa

2011-03-14T14:12:00.003-04:00

I am so proud of my little man. He has decided it is time to move on from nursing.

Over the past month or so we cut out the morning feeding and the pacification feedings, but he was still nursing at least three times a day on demand. I wouldn’t give it to him if he was crying for it, but when he asked nicely or has a little fall here or there … I had hoped to be done in the next two weeks, practically because it is time for my annual exam and I would like to get a new RX for better birth control. But I honestly haven’t been too aggressive about cutting him completely off. Additionally, he hasn’t taken to drinking any other milks regularly (and I’ve tried them all) so I haven’t wanted to cut out the nutritional source either.

But this weekend it just happened. On Friday afternoon I went to take a hot bath and Raymond came in from outside and jumped into the tub with me (of course with all his dirty clothes on) and nursed. It was quiet sudden and he bit me pretty hard in the process of me trying to deal with a sopping wet baby in the tub when I was trying to meditate. Morgan came in and laughed at our situation and made a joke that Raymond better enjoy the baba while he still could, his days were numbered! Raymond pulled off and cried for a second, like he understood, but he had a nice nursing session and a good bath afterwards.

Apparently he did understand.

Saturday came and went and he never demanded nursing. After he went to bed I cried for a while. Sunday came and my game plan was that if he needed the boob he could have it once as I have not planned on this being the weekend of weaning. But he never needed it. This morning he pulled down my shirt a little but then giggled and started playing with toys. He had a big fall and let me comfort him but did not go for the boob. He is fine.

Like all other milestones, he just went with it when he was ready. I didn’t get a chance to “plan” or “implement” he just did it. Which is wonderful … however, I am a bit of a mess. For 13 ½ months nursing has been a major part of my life and I am sad to see that time go. But I didn’t have to force it on Raymond … it was his time. And that means the world to me.

Do you remember cramps?

2011-02-14T15:02:00.001-05:00

I don't. I haven't had my period since May of 2009. I haven't been worried (with the exception of a couple of pregnancy tests along the way) as I have been an exclusive breast feeder. And let’s be honest, I've really barely started to wean the little guy.

Sometime last week I started having extreme pains in my stomach which I attributed to stress. After a relaxing weekend in Asheville with friends I thought I'd be all fixed, and while my mind is settled I find that my cramps have only gotten more extreme.

After we got home last night I had a major episode with back pain and light headed spells. I barely slept through the night as I was woken up about every 45 minutes with sharp, tight pains.

The whole night I tossed and turned and thought to myself what a wimp I must be if this is just the return of my cycle. I did have terrible cramps as a teenager which led to me getting on birth control at 17. But nothing like this.

Today they have only gotten worse. I finally bit the bullet and called the OBGYN --- thinking to myself that someday I would laugh about calling the doctor for cramps.

The call back did not make me feel silly as the nurse explained that this level of pain is pretty normal when you haven't had you period in a while. However, she did not make me feel better when she said I could also have a cyst. Apparently when you do not have your period for a long time and your hormones are all crazy ovarian cysts are common. WTF.

I can’t find much online about this potential “cyst” --- most sites simply state that it is a myth that breast feeding causes cysts and it shouldn’t be a deterrent to breastfeed. Okay, really, I’m sold on breast feeding. Would never go back on that choice and plan to keep it going for any other children we might be blessed with. But what about the potential cysts? I kind of feel like the nurse shouldn’t have thrown that out without more information or scheduling an appointment. I go in for my annual appointment next month and I guess I will get answers then. I imagine it would be silly to go to the doctor just because I am having bad cramps … and just because I might have a cyst that is common and will likely resolve itself. Likely I will still be experiencing this pain and still won’t have my period.

I thought I would be relieved to have my cycle start back as I have missed the connection to my body a little. But weeks of this pain followed by a period that could last 10 days to 3 weeks? I might go back on that wish very soon.

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Feb 22 Follow UP: I wanted to check in as I have learned that the pain and possible cyst I was mentioning really isn't caused by breast feeding. I know I already said that but I want to be clear as I would hate to make someone think there is a reason not to breast feed. In fact most of us have them and when you don't ovulate for a while they are harder to get through the next time around. Certain birth controls, pregnancy in general, irregularity or age could all be factors in irregular ovulation.

Do I have to call my baby a toddler now?

2011-02-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

We made it! Sunday marked Raymond's FIRST BIRTHDAY and we had a party with family and friends to celebrate. Today we had the dreaded one year well visit, complete with shots, and he is doing just fine (especially considering how many live viruses he has now as a result of the shots).

Raymond is not yet walking on his own but is holding onto our legs and walking with us, It is pretty cute. For that reason I can say he isn't a a toddler YET. But alas I find that we are now in the "Tots" category. We were even corrected at a restaurant when another mom called our children "TODDLERS, not babies."

Raymond will always be my baby, but that isn't the distinction I am trying to make.

I don't know how she did it ...

2011-01-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

My husband is out of town for work all week, and it happens to be the busiest week of my part time (not so part time this week) job, my technology is failing me all around and Raymond is changing his sleep schedule to take one nap. I am blessed that I have a child that goes into these transitions easily. I, on the other hand, am not transitioning very well.

But in the heat of my frustration I find myself taking deep breaths and pausing and thinking of my mom. My parents were divorced (and her heart broken )when i was 3. During the summers we had a lot of family and friends around in Elkmont to help care for me - and close friends in Gatlinburg too - but really she did the day to day totally alone. And I think she did a great job.

The thought of my mother is inspiring. I can make it through and hope to be as wonderful as she was.

Coming soon: One less thing to worry about!

2011-01-25T11:26:00.001-05:00

I continue to count down the days until Raymond’s birthday (5 ½ more to go!) with great anticipation. One of the many reasons is because after Raymond’s first birthday he is statistically out of the danger zone for a second bladder infection. Which means that every time he gets a fever over 101 I do not have to take him to the doctor and have a catheter done and that I no longer have to have a hidden nugget of guilt that my decision may cause him to have kidney damage. Whew.
Some background: Raymond is uncircumcised. I don’t really want to open this conversation up to debate about the “circumcision decision.” All I want to say is that Morgan and I did a lot of research and consultation which lead us to the decision not to circumcise and we are VERY pleased that we did not cosmetically and irrevocably alter our child.

But, despite our resolve, this decision was seconded guessed when Raymond got a bladder infection. This is the information I have --- DISCLAIMER, I am not a medical professional! --- Males under 1 year that are uncircumcised are more likely to get a bladder infection/UTI than circumcised males. Males that are uncircumcised that are older than 1 have almost no occurrence of bladder infections/UITs … among many other longer term benefits … here I am about to go off on my tangent … refocus. I think the statistic is that uncircumcised babies have 1 and 10,000 chance of getting an infection. However, after the first infection occurs, uncircumcised babies have 1 in 100 chance of getting a secondary infection (I am certain about the second statistic).

Okay, no big deal, right? Antibiotics will clear it up. That actually depends on who you ask. By the time the baby has a fever and you know there is an infection the bacteria has penetrated the kidneys and gotten into the blood stream, which could mean that your baby boy is at risk for kidney damage and or failure.

Why does the baby get the infection? Babies poop in diapers and before the foreskin retracts you cannot necessarily be 100% that you have gotten all of the poop out. A small particle of poop may get in the shaft and work its way back until it gets into the urinary tract and so forth. Additionally there may be other factors – such as urinary tract reflux – or other irregularities in the baby’s bladder and associated parts – that make the occurrence of a secondary infection more likely.

Back to our story: After we were properly diagnosed with the infection by our pediatrician we were referred to have some tests and imaging done of Raymond’s bladder, urinary tract, kidneys, etc. The main thing there were looking for was the reflux. We had an ultrasound done and then this terrible horrible dye/catheter/x-ray series done where there looked for the reflux. Raymond did not have any reflux BUT there was indication of a slightly dilated part of the uritar … dilated means it isn’t even narrowed! But the “abnormality” plus the fact that Raymond is uncircumcised meant that our pediatrician wanted us to see a specialist.

Side note: I love our thorough and thoughtful group of pediatricians but admittedly I am a little worn out on the culture of fear created by malpractice insurance. A topic of another time.

Specialist number 1: Total ASSHOLE. To start, he so unprofessional as to be loudly dictating notes about the client next to us so I knew all the specifics of our case … then he didn’t even LOOK at my child when examining him and was very cold … but moreover he pretty much told me that I was negligent for leaving Raymond uncircumcised because he would likely have kidney failure due to infections, that I was like his dumb Mexican clients for leaving him uncircumcised (I am biting back the fact that NO OTHER COUNRTY IN THE WORLD HAS ROUTINE CIRCUMCISION as a secular practice which was a part of our decision process) and then he recommends that I put Raymond on antibiotics for the FIRST YEAR of his life as a preventative measure to make sure there isn’t another infection. I won’t even go into the other blatantly racist actions by him and his staff towards Hispanic clients that I witnessed. I was so shocked by my experience there that I wrote a long letter to my pediatricians so they would be advised and consider if they wanted to make referrals to the doctor again.

The pediatricians passed my letter around and I got a call to apologize for the referral but also to state that they would like me to see someone else. There are about 10 doctors at my practice and they consulted and approx half felt I should put Raymond on antibiotics and a preemptive measure whereas the other half did not. I got the warning (my file was noted for their liability reasons I’m sure) and was referred to the big time pediatric urologist at Duke. Here we go AGAIN!

Specialist number 2: I got to Duke and Dr. Superspecialist looked at all of the images and records for Raymond and couldn’t figure out what exactly what the “irregularity” as the dilatation was well within “normal range.” He did say that it was good that I followed up to be certain. He also told me that unless there is a real serious irregularity he never recommends the use of preemptive antibiotics as the current studies show that it only helps 1 in 7 children whereas the rest of them still get bladder infections and also suffer the effects of being on long term antibiotics when there is no bad bacteria – basically totally voiding their immune systems and altering their bacterial flora for life. Exactly what I wanted to hear and what I knew to be true from all the research we did prior to making the “circumcision decision.”

Despite this report the way I was treated by the first doctor had left an inkling of guilt in my heart and soul that my baby boy could hurt or really be hurt by our decision not to circumcise. It is really pathetic that I have held onto it as I know so much about the benefits he will experience as a result. But the 1 in 100 statistic is very real and I have dutifully kept my eye on any fevers, had 1 extra catheter and held just a little bit of my breath in worry.

I should also admit, maybe for the first time, that part of my fear was not only for Raymond but for myself as I have been so vocal in our family and community about our decision that if Raymond had complications as a result I would have been wrong. And all those who stand in slight silent judgment of our decision would feel validated. Which is also ridiculous because it isn’t like he would have ever had a moment to had kidney damage as we have been so proactive in his care. But these are the worries you carry around as a mother.

5 ½ more days until one less worry …

Whew, I'm almost there!

2011-01-20T21:18:00.000-05:00

As we approach Raymond’s first birthday (10 days away) I am struck with many, many thoughts about motherhood and my experience but most notably I am damn proud of myself for breastfeeding exclusively for a year. I did it. Yes, I am tooting my own damn horn and I am not going to feel bad about it. Not only did I do it but I loved it. Breastfeeding created a bond from his first day of life that I believe will last for the rest of my life, and possibly beyond … although I’m not really up for a metaphysical discussion at the moment.

I have only 3 other friends who have accomplished exclusive breastfeeding for the first year. I have several friends whose lifestyles (social, work, personality) didn’t accommodate breastfeeding and even more who were unable to physically breastfeed at all or who could only breastfeed for a short time. I know that with strong parents these children love their moms and will be just fine! I do not mean to suggest that I am a better mother for having a year in.

My life HAS been controlled by being a food source, but honestly, I haven’t noticed. I have said to several expectant friends that it is just a choice, you decide to alter your routine to support breastfeeding and embrace it OR you feel overwhelmed and possibly resent it down the line.

I feel incredibly blessed to have physically feed Raymond for his first year. I DO plan to start the weaning process (I’m really still on demand, except for nursing to sleep as he got so many teeth so early) after his first birthday. My goal is to be done by 18 months. I am not driven to this date by feeling like he’ll be getting too old but more because I want to teach him to love food and eat! Too often when we get out of our routine I don’t worry about getting him a “meal” or “snack” because I know he is getting everything he needs from me still.

As Raymond has had 1 cold (viral), 1 ear infection (70% chance viral, 30% chance bacterial), 1 bladder infection (bacterial) and 1 hand food and mouth disease (viral). I certainly cannot say he has never been sick as a result of my breast milk. I have struggled with feeling like my milk isn’t as good as everyone else’s because he has gotten sick, despite being breastfed and at home. I had the idea that breast milk would create a shield against sickness and that isn’t true. But you ARE making a healthier child and able to comfort and hydrate them with a substance stronger than any antibiotic to help get well!

Babies Babies Everywhere!

2011-01-20T11:04:00.001-05:00

We have dear friends all over the country with newborns. It is so wonderful to know that they are experiencing the pure JOY of becoming parents, or in some cases having their second child.

I was particularly touched when reading the birth story of Miss Esther Pearl Sasser Strom this morning. As Sabrina put it, I too have been " robbed me of a lot of innate confidence that I had previously held that my body would know how to have a baby."

All of the preparation that we did for a natural birth went out the window when my blood pressure started rising. I do not regret any of the decisions or care I received in Raymond's birth. But it has created a disconnect from my hopes for a natural birth and ultimately from my confidence as a woman. Reading about Esther's birth has helped me remember what I wanted to experience!

YAY Sabrina, Eric and Esther! Thank you for sharing your story.

Can't always plan for changes ...

2011-01-17T15:41:00.001-05:00

When I was pregnant I had many ideals about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I now know that you can’t plan for that sort of thing – nor can you plan before you know your child. One of the most important characteristics I wanted to embrace was attachment parenting – and I know that I have succeeded in that regard. Additionally, I wanted to be a parent that had a flexible lifestyle and schedule for my baby. However, there is a caveat to my idealism. In August (approx 7 months) we started to let Raymond “cry it out” and developed a regular schedule. Really, it sounds much worse than it is – I promise. Despite the fact that it has worked and I am a believer in the method, I am still embarrassed to say I did it as I was SO certain I wouldn’t be that kind of mom.

After we went on the Morgan’s family annual beach trip Raymond’s schedule totally changed. He would no longer nurse to sleep … or to nap … and I had NO idea how to go about getting him to bed or in a regular sleep pattern. After reading the books, talking to the doctors and talking to friends it became evident that the most successful practice is “crying it out.” No, I thought over and over, NO NO NO. I am not going to be that mom. We will work this out.

But the most obvious thing to go had to be night time nursing. To this day, unless we are traveling and comfort is needed, no baba to go to bed. I’m really glad we made that change so long ago. I also know his teeth have benefited greatly!

Finally I gave in to trying to let him cry. We developed a naptime/night time routine, wrote down the schedule and let him go. It is simple really – bedtime: bath, PJs, song, bedtime – naptime: wash hands, book, song naptime … Ah, I’m one of those parents! For about 2 weeks we really struggled with the routine. We would let him cry for up to 10 minutes (this is physically painful!) and then go in and comfort him … sometimes we would have to do it 2 or 3 times. But it worked.

Crying it out did not mean let him scream and wail in the crib and not comfort him. For us it meant developing a pattern and routine that we could all adjust to and live with. The hard part is the adjustment and you have to determine where your tolerance is in the process. I think if we had not started seeing GREAT results after 2 weeks I would have tried something else.

We’ve crossed time zones, gotten new teeth, gone out to dinner late and missed naps. I am not a total slave to the schedule and Raymond does adapt well. Soon he, sorry we, will face two more big changes – weaning from nursing (I’m going to start the process after his first birthday with the hope of having him totally off by 18 mo if not before) and transitioning to one a day nap. He is showing signs of getting ready for the big nap move but I’m hoping he’ll hold out for a bit longer.

I have to be willing to embrace the hard work associated with these upcoming transitions … willing to see him cry, willing to face frustration on all our parts. I’m not looking to push either transition. What I now know as a mother is that you can’t plan for ANYTHING but have to let your child’s needs guide you and meet them with educated and strong direction as they change. I’m really blessed to be at home (even when I’m working) to be a part of this process.

Ear Follow Up

2011-01-14T22:26:00.000-05:00

Today was a wonderful day. I learned that my son's left ear is totally fine and that he does not have to have ear canal enlargement surgery. His hearing is perfect in both ears. And, should he have a blockage in the narrow canal is isn't a big deal - they just use ear drops.

Several people, including Morgan, thought it was premature for me to go ahead and meet with the superspecialist EMT but I couldn't be more pleased that I did. Instead of spending the next 2 years dreading his ear I know he is totally normal - with a "normal" abnormality.

Thank you thank you thank you.

This is the second time I have been referred first to a local specialist and then to a super specialist at one of the teaching hospitals in the past year. Both times I have learned that my son is totally normal and there are no concerns. Next time something comes up I'm having our ped send us straight to UNC or Duke to meet with the best and skip over the not so current doctors around town.

Wow, 2011, really?

2011-01-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Here we are ... 2011! I have not had a free moment to blog in nearly a month (apologies to my avid readers) and have honestly missed the opportunities for reflection. Life moves so quickly! We are preparing for Raymond's first birthday in just over 2 weeks - I can't believe that a year has gone by already. Or that it has been 20 months since I learned that I was unexpectedly pregnant and my life totally changed. I should say our life as Morgan's world was equally turned around and around while we figured out how to become parents.

I have a few resolutions for the new year: (1) Don't eat sugar because of lack of sleep, stress or anger thinking that the indulgence is justified because of whatever I am "going through" - (2) Don't be so reactionary/snappy towards my husband, he doesn't deserve it (even when I have extreme lack of sleep, stress, anger or sugar comedown) - (3) Love every day and its moments to the fullest, spending less time inside my own head making life less wonderful than it really is.

These resolutions are a tall order, but I think I can do it!

The left ear ...

2010-12-09T14:35:00.000-05:00

Raymond has one irregular ear. There is a skin tag, a “pit” leading to the sinus and a narrow ear canal on his left ear.

At our first pediatrician visit (when he was six days old!) our doctor took one look into the ear and immediately sent us to the ENT. The ENT was awesome and gave us some information on watching the pit as it could get infected, removal of the skin tag (cosmetic and optional) and said we would keep an eye on the ear canal. Today I remembered that at that time he said we would consider options closer to one year old.

We were put on a follow up plan with him to keep an eye on the ear. In the second visit, when Raymond was five months old, the ENT explained that outer and inner ear development happens at different times and that the irregularities did not mean that there were inner ear problems, but they might. So we needed to keep an eye on his hearing and know that if there are questions we would have to have an MRI or CAT scan as you cannot see through the ear canal.

Yesterday I went in for my third follow up visit, which was aptly timed as I wanted to follow up on Raymond’s recent ear infection and alternative treatments. The good news is that the right ear is totally clean and from what the DR can see of the left ear it is clear too – without any leftover fluid from the infection. And Raymond’s hearing is great!

I am, however floored by the news regarding the ear canal. The ENT told me that he needed to send to a pediatric Otolaryngology specialist and surgeon that specializes this sort of problem. I had no idea that we had a problem; I thought we just had an irregularity. I think I made him repeat himself at least three times as I was so floored by what he was telling me.

Apparently Raymond needs to see the specialist for evaluation, including ear imagining (i.e. strap him down and put him in a machine), and possibly surgery at age 4 to enlarge his ear canal. It is most likely that this narrow canal will cause hearing problems when he is older, the canal will be totally clogged with wax, impossible to clean and no air will be able to get to the ear drum. This is not a certainty – but my ENT would not give me any percentages and consistently said I needed to see a specialist. (I thought he was the specialist!?!?!)

Per the ENT, the surgery is “a major procedure, a much bigger deal than getting tubes put in your ear …” We should go ahead and start the process of meeting with the specialist to get as much information as possible, both on the procedure, statistics and Raymond’s specific case (have images of how the canal is developing, if the inner ear is effected and if his hearing is effected) so that we have time to weigh the facts to make our decision. Age 4 is optimal for the surgery because the ear canal has grown enough to determine if there is definite need and is still growing so it is malleable for the procedure. The procedure is cutting into the ear and manually making a bigger hole from the outer ear into the inner ear. At this time we would also have a pit and skin tag removed.

After hearing all of this several times yesterday, talking it through, and thinking about it all day today I am still floored. At no point have we ever discussed anything this major with the ENT or our pediatrician. I have put a call into my pediatrician to talk it through with him. I am scheduled to see the specialist, Dr. Austin Rose at UNC Dept of Otolaryngology in the Neurosciences Hospital on January 14. We will use this visit to ask questions and get more information. I am not submitting Raymond to any “imaging” until I get a much better handle on what is really going on here.

I do like the ENT and I am certain he didn’t want to sound the alarm and make me worry before he was certain that the canal wasn’t growing. But I seriously could have used some sort of heads up on this. I guess the next three years is some time to get informed and process what is going on.

Tappan's Tips on C-Section Delivery & PostPardum

2010-11-27T10:49:00.003-05:00

I have several expectant friends who are due in the next few months. Some dread the hospital, some trust their doctors and/or midwives but they all seem to want low intervention or natural births. Luckily most of them are open to the fact that their safety and their child's safety is what is most important. I find myself having to hold back telling them everything I think about birth and having a new born. I know some of the advice is helpful but God only knows can be overbearing. I am thinking about my friends all the time, which has inspired me to blog retrospectively about tips for c-section delivery and post pardum. Some of these tips apply no matter what so I hope you'll find them helpful!

(1) It is going to be okay if you have a c-section.

(2) Once you realize you're going to have a section get your stuff together in the delivery room to be transferred into the recovery room. Have a brother/father-in-law/friend who is there be in charge of moving your belongings or packing you.

(3) I wish I had my mom there to stay with me while I was in recovery and had dedicated that Morgan stay with Raymond, or vice versa. It is kind of scary to be suddenly all alone with the hospital staff (even if you really like them, which I did) while the baby and husband are away from you. I think it was also hard on Morgan to feel like he needed to run back and forth.

(4) Make sure that you get to meet your baby in the operating room as it will be about an hour before you'll get to see him/her again. (Unless there is a medical reason that keep you from the baby.)

(5) DON'T be afraid of the recovery pain medication. TAKE THE DRUGS. You have had intense surgery and you will not be able to enjoy the first moments and weeks with your child and build confidence if you are suffering.

(6) DO be careful of hurting yourself. Remember that the pain medication makes you feel like you're fine but you can still aggravate and hurt yourself more.

(7) Focus on skin to skin contact and nursing you baby.Use the lactation consultants and have your nursing pillow with you!

(8) If you are induced or have a c-section it may take a day or so longer for your milk to come in because your body didn't go through the natural process of giving birth. IT WILL COME, don't worry, and don't let the hospital freak you out about it on discharge. If you have to use formula for a day to keep the baby hydrated that is okay too, but don't give up on nursing it will come!

(9) After you get home remember that some weird things may happen - your leg may be numb for several weeks, which normal from the nerves that are cut ... You may have incredible pain several days/weeks latter because you're backing off the pain medication but your uterus is still contracting and pulling on the sutchers when you're nursing. This is all normal! (Unless you have a fever in which case there maybe an infection and you need to call the doctor ASAP).

(10) If you have pain medication and feel like a whole pill is making you too loopy to be up with the baby, try quartering or halfing the pill ... if you do quarters then take a quarter every hour instead on every 4 hours taking a whole pill. That way you don't get wasted but are able to manage the pain in recovery. (Note: You should talk to a medical professional prior to altering any drugs.)

(11) Almost all of my post pardum "mood" was centered on the fact that I had a c-section rather than a natural birth. I do think those feeling were (and continue to be) valid, but try not to waste your thoughts on it. It is unnecessary negative energy that keeps you from healing!

(12) ...kind of personal here... You still need to wait to have sex even though you didn't have a vaginal delivery as your body is raw/effected from carrying the child and if you had any form of labor it is effected that way too. It is still going to hurt the first time --- but not for too long, and not nearly as much as those who have major tears or cuts from their delivery. A little personal c-section bonus :)

(13) Granny Panties. Learn to love them. You do not want your underwear line rubbing up against your incision and you'll still be a bit swollen so I recommend the kind that go up to your bellybutton. Soft, washed and ready to go at the hospital and probably some more for at home ... you'll probably want to toss them after the first few days and then again after 4 weeks or so ...

The Pink Stuff, Part II

2010-11-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

About noon yesterday Raymond's fever finally broke! We thought we were moving in the right direction ...
he continued to pull on his ears and be fussy but surely we were getting better. He was up screaming all through the night, but for some dumb reason I never thought to turn on the light to look at him when I went in to comfort him (Baby Sleep101, keep it dark for them to go back to sleep).

Morgan got up at about 7:00 to find Raymond COVERED in a very angry rash. Okay, this could be good. If he has Roseola the fever had broken and this is the end of the virus rash. Probably that is all it is. But I called the doctor just in case ... he could be having an allergic reaction to the amoxacillin or we could need to look at all of his sickness from a different perspective.

Our doctor's office is open on the weekends (yay!) and the nurse had us come in at noon to see if it was an allergic reaction. And then we learned ... drum roll please ... Raymond is allergic to THE PINK STUFF! Once again, should have known when I dropped that first bottle!

The doctor prepared us for some of the challenges we need to be aware of as parents with a child who is allergic to penicillin drugs - most importantly to beware of Urgent Care/ER/Other Drs offices when treating Strep Throat. Apparently some practices just give a massive penicillin shot, which the doctor said would be devastating for Raymond. We also need to be prepared to travel with antibiotics abroad to protect him there too.

I also learned that amoxacillin is only 30% effective in treating ear infections ANYWAY. DAMN IT.

And on that note, while the left ear has cleared up, the right ear is in very bad shape ... the drum close to being inflames enough to burst. So, not only is he allergic to The Pink Stuff, it also didn't work at all and his ear infection has spread and is much worse in the other ear. So now we're on treatment plan number 4 for this week, which includes a different antibiotic (zythromuacin ... probably didn't spell that right) and may or may not include travel for Thanksgiving. If this treatment works we should be okay, but at this point I am not making any promises.

THIS IS SO HARD. At least Morgan is home now to help.

The Pink Stuff

2010-11-19T12:18:00.002-05:00

I remember segments of childhood more than specific occurrences. Of those segments, I clearly remember my ear infections and … THE PINK STUFF … the yummy cure all that lived in the fridge and sometimes I would even pretend to not be feeling well to get a taste. (Result: The last time I took amoxicillin I got a terrible rash! I’m done with it … tapped out on being able to use it, or any other drugs in the penicillin family, when I get sick)

Amoxicillin. Yummy and YUCKY. And Necessary.

In my various waves of mother purism I hoped to never have to give Raymond antibiotics before he was a year old. It was my personal goal. Yet another goal that was either totally unrealistic or I failed.

On Monday I took Raymond into the doctor early in the morning and he was diagnosed with his first ear infection … in his weird ear with a narrow ear canal where if there are any complications he will have to have a CT Scan. Even though his fever was not raging and there was a chance his body could overcome the infection on its own I felt certain, in that moment, that a little Pink Stuff was better than strapping him down and putting him in a scary machine.

(At the same time I was also thinking of a dear friend who has a baby girl that temporarily lost hearing due to ear infections before she was one year old.)

I get the prescription, come home and open it to give him the first dose and drop the entire bottle of amoxicillin everywhere. Hot pink bubble gum stain on my pants, all over the floor, splatter on the walls. Gross. Luckily my brother in law was here and got the dog out (it would NOT have been good for Cooper to get into The Pink Stuff) and cleaned it up while I teetered on breakdown. I should have taken this as a sign that I shouldn’t give it to him. But NO, I go back to the pharmacy and pay full price for a second bottle to help my baby.

Wednesday rolls around and he still has a fever – now it is slightly higher – and he has started grabbing the base of his head and crying. His neck appears swollen and is very sensitive to the touch. Back to the doctor with great fears of meningitis or other scary things associated with brain swelling. Two and a half hours later, after extensive exams, two doctors, blood and urine testing we know: Raymond does not have an ear infection anymore, he does not have meningitis, there is no bacteria in his blood, there is no bacteria in his urine, and his viral blood count is incredibly high – so high in fact that one of the doctors said it is the highest she has seen. My directions give him Tylenol and keep him hydrated, call back if the fever isn’t going tomorrow.

OK, a virus, we can deal with this … part of life … part of being a baby…

Yesterday comes and things seem a lot better until Raymond fever goes back up and I cannot get it down with Tylenol. And he has stopped eating, still nursing but no “solids” or water. Back on the phone with the doctor… virus hasn’t run its course yet, if it started on Wednesday then we should expect him to have a fever today.

Round and round we go. I should say that I am very happy with the care we have been getting with our doctor(s). My frustration is not with them but with the virus. It is so aggressive. Today Raymond woke up in obvious pain, high fever, etc. It took me two hours to cheer him up and for the fever to go down … which is very odd for my baby. I just have to let it be, I can’t fix it, I can’t do anything! DAMN VIRUS.

So what happened … he got an ear infection, we gave him The Pink Stuff, which in turn voided out his immune system and WHAM he got his with this virus. A terrible aggressive virus … just like all the medical literature says will happen with antibiotics. And the kicker is, now that I've bought in, I have to complete the course of treatment - so finnish the bottle! We're not done with The Pink Stuff!

I am left feeing much less assured that I did the right thing to get rid of the ear infection and feeling guilty as hell that I let him get exposed to the virus.

All the damn pro-biotic supplementation we do couldn’t stand up to The Pink Stuff.

I hate it, but I know it won’t be the last time I’ve got to use it.

It is not nice to blame someone else for your problems.

2010-11-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I talked to two good friends about the challenges introduced into marriage by being a parent. Across the board it seems that having a child presents more challenges to marriage than the dreaded “first year” of marriage – probably because so many people live together before they are married and have already made that adjustment in today’s world. Of course, conversations like this always come at a time of some internal struggle which maybe to personal to share in the old blog. But, alas I do think that the introspective nature of my quest to evolve is worth sharing – or at least worth writing about as it helps me grow.

Basically I am mad as hell that Morgan has a life outside of our family. Rational, NO. Right, NO. Bitchy and unrealistic, YES. But what are you going to do about it? Sometimes you just feel the way you feel and you have to have a little journey to get over it.

So what am I really mad about? It is hard to say. Identifying what you are really upset about in your life is SO MUCH harder than blaming someone else. My poor husband, it is so easy to blame him for my feelings! Okay, sometimes he earns a little of the blame … but it is in my best interest to evolve.

I think there is a lot of guilt in motherhood for needing something outside of mothering - I love my new job and that is fulfilling a lot of my brain needs – and I LOVE RAYMOND – and he fills my heart and soul every moment of the day. But I am honestly lacking in the friendship area. I have many dear friends that I can talk to all the time – but my “life” cannot be centered on the phone/email/Facebook only. Right? And I’m pissed that Morgan has made connections in that area where I am just starting too. Just pissed. I want him to stay home and be my best friend all the time because I am missing a part of human interaction in my world. Is that fair to him? No, of course not … but it is so much easier for him because he isn’t the primary care giver.

So, what can I immediately do to stop being mad at him? Ideas? It isn’t fair or right and I have to get over it. And get over feeling guilty that I need more in my life than being a mother. Is there a breast feeding friendly pill I can take to resolve all the irrational emotional turmoil that I put myself through?

I need my mommy!

2010-11-10T22:12:00.000-05:00

The first week of my job Raymond had a hard time ... but it seemed to have leveled off until today. We have sitters come in when I need to go to meetings and there is a pretty regular routine. Today, however, as soon as I got back from my lunch meeting he it was on. No walking away, no putting down - my baby wanted to be held and have his mommy at all times.

On one hand I feel touched to be so needed - us moms do get off on being needed after all. But mainly I feel totally guilty about have sitters come in two days in a row. At least I was able to give him my full attention once I was home. I think that is the most important part - to really focus with the time I have.

Halloween!

2010-11-01T12:53:00.000-04:00

Halloween

I believe that coming from a divorced family has made me a bit odd about the holidays. Which is strange because I hate the divorced-mom/single-mom syndrome that my mom has about Christmas … always trying to make up for the fact that there isn’t a dad around for me. This is probably intensified by the fact that I have two traumatic daddy abandonment issues around holidays. (1) My dad decided not to see me anymore at Christmas, and when he told this to my mom right before Christmas she had a heart attack and was hospitalized and I was at Grandmother’s house for Christmas without either of my parents at like age 4 or 5. (2) I was trick or treating in downtown Gatlinburg (I know, classy) at 5 or 6 and walked into my dad’s restaurant and saw him eating and walked up to say hello and he told me to leave and go to my mother … then I started crying and he didn’t even get up, he had the waitress escort me out and he told me I shouldn’t come back to the restaurant ever again.

As a result I am determined to make holidays wonderful for Raymond. The Easter Bunny came this year (sometimes he forgets babies before they can remember – but not Raymond!), we were all dressed up like Bees for Halloween last night and Christmas will be at home – always. My kid will wake up at home for Christmas … he just will. It is our family tradition.

I know I’m a little militant about my family holiday dreams – and I am a little conflicted. Halloween, for example, has been a holiday about live music and big parties for about 15 years. Last year I was here with my mom very pregnant and we greeted trick or treaters as we sat in camping chairs – the only seating we had – and watched movies. Morgan was in California for Phish’s Festival 8 … I had tickets too but gave them up at the last minute because I was just too preggers. So this year was the first year that we were all together in the family friendly Halloween and it was nice. We’ll have the memories of carving pumpkins and dressing up for our baby boy forever, even if he doesn’t. I do think it is important, at least to me if not our whole family, to be making the shift into creating holidays for Raymond rather than ourselves. I feel very blessed that it worked out that way!

The Giving Tree

2010-10-28T21:48:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite parts of being a mom has been rediscovering toys, games and stories. The classic story, The Giving Tree, made me tear up the first time I read it with Raymond as it made me think of my mom and the kind of parent I hope to be. Maybe that is just because I am lucky to have an AMAZING mother.

You remember, the tree that gave the boy everything throughout all the different parts of his life to make him happy until there was nothing left but the stump … and then the boy comes back as an old man and rests by sitting on the stump. It is a really great story, although there is a part of me that thinks the boy is selfish and shouldn’t take from the tree anymore and a part of me that thinks the tree would be doing the boy a favor to say no.

I find myself in a crossroads between being the child and the tree these days. Most recently I faced the seemingly harsh reality that we do not have a stay at home grandmother who can take care of Raymond when we go to a crazy New Year’s Eve party on the other side of the country or otherwise plan travel. Both of our moms work, and we certainly benefit from their labors – last minute emergency vet visits, the way too expensive travel crib which is the only way Raymond will sleep on the road, our furniture, our home, a “hand me down” car. The working grandmothers give – give –give all the time. We are very blessed.

And yet here I am the little boy saddened that I can’t leave my baby and go to the party. And here I am the mother who wants to be with her son to give him a happy New Years Eve … filled with breast milk and mommy’s love.

I think it is time for me to let go of my neediness and accept my new role as the giver. I don’t want to whittle my mother or mother in law down to a stump by taking all the time. We need to give too --- all support each other. Most importantly I need to take care of my son and husband. As we plan the holiday season it is clear that the best way to do that is to take care of Raymond at home and send Morgan off to ring in the New Year with our friends.

Ah, the evolution into motherhood continues …

Wanted

2010-10-20T21:25:00.000-04:00

Baby proofing consultant. Come into the home, find all possible ways that my baby could be hurt and remedy the risk. Willing to pay ... well, I don't have much, but willing to pay nonetheless.

A day in the life ...

2010-10-13T20:17:00.003-04:00

Some days are made for sitcoms ... today started as one of those days. I was up VERY late working on taxes for the 10/15 extension deadline. Raymond woke up at 6:00 am and there was no stopping him. He slept for about 15 minutes for his morning nap, during which I started to do my first mass mailing for my new job. After he woke up I was running back and forth from the office with him trying to keep him out of electrical wires (why are they so inviting?) and dog hair (I need to vacuum, but who has time?). In the back and forth my printer started spitting out envelopes all over the floor … a 100 or so by the time I got back into the “office.” These envelopes then had to be organized in alphabetical order. I then turned around and Raymond had knocked over and started playing with the pile that was in order so I had to completely start over. By noon he had fallen on his face, bit his lip and was sporting a new bruise on the left side of his face.

Then comes lunch… if you haven’t had a baby this will sound especially gross… we had a full lunch and I was feeling REALLY good about his fresh diet of whole made organic baby and finger foods for the week. I didn’t think about what the combination of beets and prunes might do … all of the sudden there was a BIG POOP. Okay, no big deal, right. Then I look down and see poop dripping out of the highchair onto the FLOOR. His cloth diaper was totally saturated and covered, as was the “cover” as was the high chair and of course the baby. He went directly into the sink where I hosed him off for a while. After cleaning Raymond up I put him in his crib where he SCREAMED bloody murder while I cleaned up the rest of the mess. This took a little while –

Luckily Cooper was outside.

After I cleaned up I let the dog in who was also screaming to get inside from the yard. I went and picked up Raymond and he puked (spit up no longer covers it) all down the front of my shirt and inside of my shirt. At this point I could have freaked out. I may have been on the verge. But instead I just sat down on the floor of the nursery and laughed until I cried. Luckily Raymond was laughing too.

Now we are on to naptime number 2 … surely he needs to get some sleep … right? Not so much. I put Raymond down at 3 … he was super mellow, we read a book, cuddled, life was good. As soon as he hit the mattress he started SCREAMING again. I got into the shower hoping that by the time I was out he would be asleep. No. I let him go for almost 45 minutes – my heart breaking the whole time but really thinking he needed to sleep – NOPE. Damn it.

We have had a WONDERFUL late afternoon/early evening playing like crazy. I gave him a bath and put him down without any fussing at all. We sang along to Neil Young’s Harvest Moon album for the nighttime wind down and it worked perfectly. And brought me back to a special place… Now I’m cooking myself the insanely overpriced local grass fed rib eye I bought at Wholefoods as a reward for making it through the day.

We did it. We had a wonderful bruised, bloody, shit stained and puked on day. And I feel so blessed to be alive and have my baby boy.

Thank you!

When a Religion Major and a Philosophy Major Make a Baby ....

2010-09-26T11:58:00.002-04:00

Last weekend we had Raymond's baptism. It was perfect!
We (unknowingly) scheduled the event for what would have been Raymond's great grandfather's (the original Raymond) 100th birthday and is Uncle Ken's 62nd birthday, making it an extra special occasion for the Vickery clan.

We had many of the Morgan clan here as well! Raymond continued the tradition of wearing the Christening gown Granny made for the grandchildren. It was really lovely and fit perfectly!

Mom came the week before to help prepare and play with Raymond (who was terrible to her, but hopefully he will have recovered before he sees in a couple of weeks!) My cousin Leda came and not only saved the day by helping Mom and I will all the preparations and implementation – but also was a wonderful support and representation of our family.

Planning this baptism was also perfect - but came with a lot of interesting conversations. Morgan's spiritual background is very different than mine - raised as a Baptist, went to Episcopal High School, got involved with Young Life (where he was "Church hurt" - I think I owe that phrase to Elizabeth Shaw, but it fits perfectly) and then went to Sewanee where he was a comparative religion major and learned that fire and brimstone is not necessary for faith. All of this has left him sure of a higher power --- and very analytical of how religions, specifically the Christian traditions, guide you in spirituality.
I, on the other hand, am a traditional Episcopalian through and through. What I define as traditional maybe seen as "liberal" these days --- the church I grew up didn't care who you slept with as long as you were being true to yourself and your relationship with God. The church I grew up in did not claim that Christianity was the only way --- and certainly didn't make any of the crazy claims about creationism, etc.

Morgan and I have an ongoing dialogue about the simple fact that you can be a Christian without believing that everyone else is going to hell - but as he grew up in the Baptist church and more importantly was involved with Young Life and then to top it off our young adulthood had been ridden with the Christian tradition being used as a tool for hate - it follows that my personal experience doesn't necessarily align with the masses on a day to day basis.

For all of those same reasons I have not been active in Church for 10 years.

Fundamentally, however, we are on the same page. We believe that there is a higher power (Great Spirit) and we believe that many different religions can act as a vehicle to having personal faith. The main difference is that I am comfortable calling myself a Christian/Episcopalian whereas Morgan sees the academic oxymoron in believing that Christianity is not the only way and saying you are a Christian.

When we were driving across the country last summer we talked about how we wanted to raise (then named) Thriller and both decided that we did want to have the community and support provided by a church. But we want to have an open dialogue about what is taught in Church and raise the baby knowing that it is okay to question or disagree with what you learn in Church. - Morgan's only request was that we would spend as many Sundays in the woods or visiting a Buddhist meditation group as we did in Church to expose the baby to different forms of spirituality.

Thriller turned into Raymond and we were presented with planning the baptism. Early on we agreed that we did not want to have it in a church and we wanted it to be outside. We also agreed that we wanted godparents with different spiritual beliefs to support Raymond in his spiritual growth. We had a lot of people offer to be godparents that we love dearly and feel that Raymond has a huge community of support – not just based on who is on the certificate. We are very blessed.

I was not comfortable trying to find a church just to have the baptism – I think it takes some time to find the right fit and didn’t want to just pop in to have Raymond baptized and then realize it wasn’t the place for us. My childhood priest and very close family friend, Father Tubbs, agreed to come from Tennessee to the baptism in the spring and then we relaxed and did not really debate the issue anymore.

At the end of August Mrs. Tubbs sent over a program for review. I looked at it and honestly considered not even showing it to Morgan and I didn’t want to deal with any negativity. But I was a good wife and gave him the copy for review – it was the standard Book of Common Prayer service. His immediate reaction was as I thought … bad. At first he said: “Whatever makes you happy” – I knew it was really bad then as he never says anything even close to that so I pushed him a little more - “I thought we agreed to have a agnostic baptism…” – well baby, by definition a baptism is not agnostic – “There are too many ‘Lord Jesus Christ’ and ‘salvation’ referenced for me in here…”

He finally came down to “I just don’t believe in original sin.” Okay, that is reasonable, I don’t believe in original sin either – nor does my mom, nor does my priest. So Father Tubbs suggested that we redline the service and he would make any edits we were comfortable with … at this point I am feeling pretty lucky as many priests would not give you that opportunity in a sacrament.

A few days pass and I finally sit Morgan down with a red pen and have his go at it. He starts off marking things up on the first pass – then he reads the whole service through and starts to be a little less reactionary and thoughtful. And at the end of it all he decides he likes the service just the way it is.
Father Tubbs did a WONDEFUL job talking about respect for different traditions. I was so pleased to have him come and show Morgan an example of the church I grew up in!

We talked about it this weekend and he said it was perfect, just the way he had wanted it to be. It means so much to me that Morgan the time to consider the service and came to peace with having a baptism. I don’t want to push my faith on Morgan or Raymond. But ultimately it is how I have come to know God, and I do believe that my life has been touched by God … or the Great Spirit … or whatever you want to call the higher power. And I am so happy to have my family share in this tradition.

Saying Goodbye to The Stay at Home Mom Blues

2010-09-20T12:22:00.000-04:00

I am certain that this has come across through my various blog posts, but I would like to point out a very real feeling that I have experienced through being at home: The Stay at Home Mom Blues. Having a child and having the time to be with him full time has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Morgan has given me a great gift by providing the support for me to be at home with Raymond. But alas, like any good American, I want more - and have found myself in funk after funk. I think part of this funkiness is due to feeling a lack of control or autonomy in my life. I also feel incredible guilty for not contributing financially. I have been totally torn up trying to find the path out of this self-centered condition so that I can embrace my time with Raymond more.

Morgan was not able to go to a dear friend's bachelor party the other weekend because we couldn't afford it. Seeing his disappointment over missing this occasion made me realize more than ever how much he has given up to support and sustain this new phase in our life together. I was not able to figure out a way to get him to Texas for the party, but I did find the motivation to check out some part time jobs and low and behold, my dream part time position at the top of the first job board I reviewed (after receiving the direction from a good friend).

I sent off my resume and cover letter the next day and within twenty four hours I had an interview and within a week I had the job. YAY! YAY! YAY! During each step of the interview process the job became more and more perfect as I learned about the organization, first it was just part time, then it was part time work from home, then my new boss told me she is a huge believer in breast feeding and wanted me to take time whenever needed to make sure I was able to breast feed as much as Raymond needed... it just keeps getting better.

I am making far below what someone with my education and experience should, but I couldn't be any happier for all the reasons listed above.

Most importantly I have appreciated every moment with Raymond so much more as a result of having this job - I think we have achieved attachment and looking forward to having our mother/child relationship grow into a new phase.

Goodbye Stay at Home Mom Blues!

Do what you want - Yea RIGHT!

2010-08-25T13:08:00.003-04:00

Last night we tried a few new things in the Vickery home, mostly focused on trying to get Raymond into a bedtime routine that is not nursing to sleep and getting Mamma to Yoga at 7:00 pm. Morgan came home early (6:25) to make sure I could get to Yoga and to work on the new Raymond bedtime routine. I had news for him when he arrived - Raymond had his first for real diaper rash.

You think at nearly 7 months we would have already passed this milestone, but now, out of no where his entire front and back and down his legs were COVERED in the rash, he was screaming in pain when I changed his diaper and used a disposable wipe and couldn't be put down, etc without also suffering. It was terrible when I realized all of this at 5:00 pm - I even called the doctor (for a diaper rash!) as I was so startled by his suffering. I was about to talk myself out of my Yoga class to make sure Raymond was okay --- but my internal dialogue took a shift and I decided that Morgan would be fine for 2 hours. FINE. And it is just a diaper rash after all...

I had just a few minutes to run down the diaper rash care before running out the door - wash with soap and water and a wash cloth, use a cool wash cloth to make sure all the soap is off, let totally dry and then COVER in zinc based diaper rash cream. Whatever you do DO NOT USE DISPOSABLE WIPES - and whew, I was out the door. As we have reusable bamboo wipes in a warmer beside the changing table and all the other necessities I did not think this would be a big deal.

I had an awesome Hatha Yoga class and was feeling totally restored! I came home to an empty front room with toys all over the floor and hearing Raymond screaming in his room and went straight to him. It was actually pretty adorable, he reached for me and said "Mamma" (there were witnesses!) and kissed my face (or tried to suck on my face, either way adorable!) and I went to nurse him to calm him down.

Morgan came in to finish his dinner and was obviously grumpy. I asked what was wrong and he said "I just had to deal with a crying baby for 2 hours, I'm in a bad mood." Okay, I understand this, God knows he has come home to me in a similar state many many times. Raymond fell asleep and I took him in and put him down in his crib and he automatically woke up screaming I reached down to pick him back up and realized his sheet was freezing and soaking wet. Morgan forgot to tell me/change the sheet from the wetness associated with the whole diaper area cleaning...

I gave him to Morgan to calm down while I changed the sheet ... and in looking around Raymond's room I discovered many things. (1) There were clothes on the floor between the dresser and changer (2) the drawers to the dresser were all half way open (3) the disposable wipe container was on the floor (4) there were 3 reusable wipes that were wet on the changing table and on the floor (5) all of the nicely folded clothes in the dresser were tossed around making no sense at all. I began to realize I must have missed quite an episode.

While I was straightening up Morgan went back to trying to get Raymond to sleep. He read him a story in a very flat "I'm so pissed off right" now voice, he walked around with him, he looked at me grumpily and asked if I had any suggestions ... I finally took Raymond back and we went through nursing, walking around, singing songs, etc - I finally thought he might be asleep and got into the shower at 10 but he was still crying until Morgan was finally able to get him to sleep at 10:30.

As we crawled into bed Morgan's bad mood was really starting to get to me. I asked him if something else was wrong ... we talked for a while and he finally admitted: "I know this is what you deal with every day - but - I just couldn't do what I wanted to do and take care of Raymond ... none of his toys were interesting, I couldn't get him to stop crying."

( -He gets major kudos for giving me some props and understanding that my day isn't about what I want to do at ALL with Raymond - )

For all of you moms out there I'm sure you can appreciate that I was tying very hard to be sympathetic and not laugh out loud at this statement. Really? You were not able to do what you wanted to do? You had to adjust all your activities around Raymond?

We laughed about it this morning and I think Morgan has recovered from 2 hours of not being able to do what he wanted to do. I hope so anyway, as I plan to go back to the Yoga class next week.

This comic relief got me through getting up at 12:30, 2:30, 4:30 and 6:30 with Raymond. Man, it would have been so cool to do what I wanted to do and sleep through the night.

If he only could have looked at the camera and smiled ...

2010-08-24T15:44:00.000-04:00

Baby Raymond is the best, brightest and youngest HeadCount volunteer!

2010-08-22T22:55:00.001-04:00

I write too much about changes, frustrations and things that I miss or struggle with ... I really use the blog more like a journal than anything else. It is a good thing my husband does not read it (hehe). Tonight, however, I would like to reflect on my AWESOME Saturday afternoon/night.

Morgan and I have volunteered with HeadCount (http://www.headcount.org/) since 2004. HeadCount is a national, nonpartisan, nonprofit voter registration organization that started in the "jam band" communtity but has since reached out to other genres of music, local events and much more. Anyway, we've been registering voters at concerts for 6 years now. After I got pregnant and we moved to North Carolina I took a more "behind the scenes" role and we have both missed being in the field terribly - becuase we miss the civic engagement and miss seeing so much great music! (Okay, living in Raleigh vs. San Francisco might also have to do with the lack of music ...)

Due to a variety of reasons it looks like I'll be running the Raleigh team until the election on November 2, 2010 - and I must admit I have been seriously jonesing to get into the field for a while. The Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area is ripe with opportunities to do voter registration and the senate race is very competative this year ... not to mention all of the state politics. Raleigh is the capital after all. I see opportunity everywhere and it is hard for me not to jump on it!

For some time we have been scheduled to work the Jack Johnson/ALO/G Love concert in Raleigh last night - it was planned intially as a big night out doing something we love - but after the tables turned it became something we were responsible for ... which was all well and good until our babysitter canceled for band practice. We couldn't find a replacement so we took Raymond to the show to work the HeadCount booth and for his first big time concert!

How much more family friendly can you get then a Jack Johnson show? How much more nonprofit friendly can you get than a Jack Johnson show?

Raymond was AMAZING. We arrived at 3:45 and he hung out with us all afternoon and registered voters without a peep at the booth - and THEN was happy as a lark (with earplugs) to enjoy the show and dance the night away with mommy and daddy in the lawn until 11:30. He also got to meet Jack Johnson! There is a photo - but Jack's photographer took it so hopefully I'll get a copy to share.

Morgan and I totally got to reconnect to an acitvity that is very meaningful for us and have a great day and night! And while working a show for HeadCount is like putting on your favorite comfortable pair of jeans - doing it with Raymond was new, wonderful and easy. I feel really blessed to have had the expereince and such a wonderful day with my boys!

Its funny that the day to day, family vacations, holidays, etc all present challenges and sometimes frustrations in learning how to do things with Raymond ... but music is easy. I guess that is becuase it is at the core of our tradition.

Don't forget to VOTE November 2, 2010!

Vacation and "The Schedule"

2010-08-20T14:03:00.003-04:00

As you probably know there are millions of ideas on scheduling your baby - millions. And somewhere in all that research and literature you're supposed to find your own way for what is right for you and your child. I have had the luxury of not working, which has in turn given me the chance to be pretty loose on "the schedule." I adhere to the baby-lead schedule philosophy and have created our routine around Raymond rather than creating a routine for him. I also believe that the security that a routine provides babies can be achieved just in the pattern of the day - not the exact timing.

The evolution of our schedule has gone something like this -

Newborn: Sleep when baby sleeps, nurse baby on demand, sleep, no sleep, sleep
1-4 Months: 5:30 am wake up, nurse, play, ... sleep ... only real change is that naps became more regular ... and sleeping at least 6 hours at a time at night
5-6 Months: Wake up around 7 or 8, nurse on demand, play play play, nap at 10 ish, "solid" meal at noonish, play play play, nap at 2ish, play - nurse - play - nurse - play OR go to daycare at gym, eat rice cereal at 6 ish, bath, nurse, play, reading time, nurse, sleep by 8:30/9:00

Last week we went to the beach with almost all of Morgan's maternal family - there were approx 25 of us there for the week and it was a serious challenge to the routine. All of my theory that not being too strict on the schedule would enable us to go on trips/ have changes more easily is, it turns out, total bullshit.

Breaking up the routine for the family gathering made more work and a lot more frustration for Morgan, Raymond and me. This is what I learned: (1) There is no such thing as vacation if you're a mom. (2) Dads still find time to do all of their fun vacation activities while mom takes care of the baby. (3) The family expects you and the baby to be perky, adorable and fun on demand based on what their schedule is.

I did have lots of loving hands to help with Raymond and over the course of a week I was able to go to the beach three times, once just to jump in, and twice for about an hour to lay out and relax. Morgan, Raymond and I went down together twice, the first time Raymond hated it so much I had to come back and take care of him right away while Morgan swam and the second time was perfect, we all sat in the surf and played with the sand and water for a while. I never got to go swimming in the ocean with Morgan.

And somewhere in the planning for this vacation I assumed that Morgan would pick up a lot of what I normally do with Raymond - and we would have fun doing it together or I would have a break. And he tried, he did, but plain and simple, Raymond is my full time job and Morgan can't just take it on or step in like that. And maybe I shouldn't expect him to - I honestly don't know. By the end of beach week I learned a lot about what my expectations should be when traveling with Raymond. Next time I will be better prepared emotionally for what to expect instead of having pipe dreams about relaxing like a non-mom. Those days are behind me.

For the past week I have struggled to get us back into any kind of pattern and am totally exhausted - the fact that Raymond has teeth breaking through left and right isn't helping - but I have great hopes that come Monday he'll be more settled into being home and I'll be able to get back to the gym and into having some moments for myself. Those moments are very important and I now know why many moms cling to "the schedule."

Crawler!

2010-08-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

For a month or so it has been coming, any minute. We've watched Raymond crawl one "step" and then forget how, we've seen him push himself in circle after circle, we've seen him get into "plank" position and onto his knees - but this weekend did it - we now have an all out crawler.

I tear up when I see his new independence - and how happy he is with himself as he makes progress and reached his goals. I'm frustrated that what he seems to want the most are shoes - and he wants to put them in his mouth! I'm terrified that we haven't really "baby proofed" yet and even more concerned that the TV is going to fall on top of him (can I rationalize getting a all mounted flat screen for safety?).

Most of all I can't figure out how to keep up. The Funky Farmyard isn't big enough, a twin comforter isn't big enough, a king size quilt isn't big enough. If I look away for a second he is across the room! I am seriously considering making a "track" that goes around our house and has activity stations along the way to interest him.

ReUSE -

2010-08-05T09:27:00.000-04:00

It is one thing to get a hand me down from friends, but another to actually buy second hand clothing and baby gear for your child. I think there is a little part of your mind that just plain old wants the best, newest, cleanest and coolest for your baby. Which is great if you have a budget for "stuff" but I do not.

In the past six months I have seen Raymond's needs evolve so quickly that I have been mentally preparing myself to buy second hand, but the only shop that I knew of is just okay - and never has anything I need right when I need it. On Tuesday I drove all the way out to North Raleigh to check out another shop and it was CLOSED when I got there (note: remember to call to make sure places are still in businesses in this economy). Yesterday I found an AWESOME shop that I have driven past dozens of times. Kid to Kid - it is a chain second hand shop. Their store is clean and well organized, their staff is helpful, they are very selective about what they buy and their prices are great! YAY!

I was able to get the Bumbo seat that I have wanted for a while with the trey for half of the price I would have spent buying it new - and it is in GREAT shape. It looks new enough to me. Morgan still didn't approve of my purchase as a real need - but when we are at the beach for the next week without a high chair I think he will change his tune.

Tired & Cranky Mommy

2010-08-05T09:13:00.001-04:00

Raymond will be waking up shortly. so this will be rather brief in the world of my blog entries. I am feeling totally spent. I am angry, my nerves are shot, I'm having a terrible time sleeping because I am letting worries monopolize my mind. And as a result I don't feel like I am being as very good mom or wife, which then makes me fell guilty which also keeps me up at night.

I don't know what it is ... what has triggered this. It has been building up over the past couple of weeks - last Friday I was on the verge of loosing it while I cleaned the house. I felt so guilty for putting Raymond in his crib and leaving him there with toys while I ran around cleaning for 2 hours. (I was checking on him and he had toys and was fine, but I am used to playing with him!) I resented every minute I was spending away from him. And since then it has just escalated.

What confuses me is that I thought by starting my new routine of going to the gym I would be fulfilling my physical needs which would help me emotionally and be fulfilling for me emotionally because I am doing something for myself. But no - it has been a month and I am just tired and cranky.

What is a stay at home mom to do to get renewed? Babysitter is not in the budget. The gym is the only place where I have any sort of childcare arrangement. Husband is wiped out and distracted when he gets off of work - and he really just wants to play with Raymond at the end of the day - which does give me the chance to shower but doesn't really do much for overall renewal. Stupid TV gets turned onto baseball and husband stops talking after TV is on and then passes out in front of TV. Can't wait for football season.

I know the greatest gift in the world is my time with Raymond right now, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it is also all the time on point for my baby boy. I need a "Dude" day - or something of the like - but I don't think I get to ever have a day off again.

Vaccines

2010-08-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

Today at 2:15 pm I take Raymond to the doctor for his 6 month check up which includes the dreaded vaccines! I hate it I hate it I hate it. I have rescheduled the appointment 3 times as I have tried to prepare myself with the perfect 36 hours to have him process the shots.

I feel like we have made the right decision to keep Raymond on a traditional vaccine schedule (with the exception of refusing the Hepatitis B vaccine at birth but allowed him to get it at 2 weeks). I thought about it long and hard and did a lot of research before we had him. I also think it helps that our pediatricians office really took the time to talk to us about the vaccines before we started them and were willing to adjust the schedule based on what we felt was best. My defensive gaurd didn't pop up as much due to this communication.

I was not totally sold on keeping the schedule even after we had decided that we would do vaccines becuase I had heard about how hard getting all the shots at once could be on the baby - but then as I looked at our lives and how much we travel it was apparent that it was best to get Raymond protected as early as possible. We flew to San Francisco, which is a hot spot for even rare diseses due to the number of immigrants and travelers that come into the area, when Raymond was just over 2 1/2 months. This trip motivitated me to get things going and now we are in it.

I made the first time mom mistake of letting him get his first series of shots right before a road trip to DC to see Morgan's family in April. He cried and pooped the whole way - it took us like 8 hours to get there and we all felt terrible. But the next morning Raymond felt great. The next round came at 4 months and Morgan and I put nothing in the agenda other than having a stress free loving day with Raymond. He did not feel well for 36 hours and it was miserable. But then he bounced right back and didn't even cry later that week when he got his first two teeth!

So today I am prepared for at least 36 unhappy hours. I am trying to make sure he gets a good nap in this morning --- and have everything done around the house so I can focus on him. Morgan will be home late tonight so it will be all me for the sad baby boy! I just want to hold him, nurse him and love on him while the vaccines make their mark and constantly remind myself that the MAJOR benefit is that we are trading 36 hours of not feeling great for the potential of getting really, dangerously sick. Right?

Trust the system! Trust the CDC! Trust the doctor! These things are not in my nature but I am doing it. I am trying. It is just so hard when he is hurting as a result of me trusting "the man."

Breast feeding and beyond ...

2010-07-26T14:55:00.003-04:00

A year or so before I got pregnant I was talking to a friend with a beautiful baby girl and breast feeding came up. She told me that she breast fed her baby until she was a little over two years old. My friend was actually disappointed because she didn't nurse for longer... I have to admit that my first reaction was shock - I was taken back by the length of breast feeding and thought to myself that that was weird and unnecessary. I meaningfully joined in the school of thought that believes that once a baby can walk or talk they are far to old to continue to breast feed.

After I became pregnant and started to research breast feeding I had a slight change of heart, at least understanding the science behind the benefits of breast feeding your baby as long as possible. But I was still sort of weirded out by the concept. I knew I wanted to breast feed for at least 6 months and hopefully a year for health benefits - but I couldn't imagine what it would be like, nor was I particularly interested in learning about it. About a month before I was due I figured I better suck it up and get informed. During this crash course on breast feeding and a second Bradley class dedicated to the subject I started to get a little excited about being able to provide everything my baby would need! The science behind breast milk is really amazing and interesting!

24 weeks later I have made it easily to the 6 month mark and happily look forward to another 6 months or more of breast feeding. It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I had it easy, the only struggle we had was that it took 24 hours longer than expected for my milk to come in. Raymond had been so easy to nurse and I haven't struggled with supply (knock on wood). I know many women who have struggled and either moved on to formula because it works for them or who have spent countless frustrating days and weeks making breast feeding work. It is a lifestyle choice that requires determination and dedication. I feel blessed to have had this experience!

People comment that breast feeding is an amazing time to "bond with your baby." And that is totally true. I don't feel like that phrase even begins to cover it. In some ways I feel like it is a totally primal experience - when your body and your baby's instincts meet without thought or reason and nourish you both. The baby get everything it needs and your body releases hormones that help you relax. I might even call it primal meditation.

Now Raymond is starting to move into eating "solid" foods. He has had rice cereal, sweet potatoes, squash, hummus, sweet peas and avocado. The more I read about the introduction of food into the diet I realize that there are two schools of thought - one is that you start to ween the baby off of breast milk through the other foods and the other that you are introducing the solids to give the baby an opportunity to develop a taste for foods at a young age. When we started preparing to introduce the food it did not even occur to me that we would be weening him - and it still doesn't. My approach to all of this is that he will make the right choices for his body when he is ready. We are just providing exposure.

I have really enjoyed planning and making the baby food as well. It is a pretty amazing concept, to give your child their first flavors and tastes of food. And I continue to breast feed on demand. I think it may have dropped off a bit but was are not on any kind of schedule nor have I kept track since the first month passed.

We will see how long I breast feed - I am confident that it will easily be at least a year. Maybe longer. Maybe two.

E Coli

2010-07-09T12:39:00.001-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with bacteria. There are a lot of good bacteria in the world that we need and depend on in our lives. For this reason I try to stay off antibiotics and as a general rule don’t bug out with anti-bacterial soaps, hand sanitizers, etc. My theory is always to be cautious, clean and thoughtful and you’ll stay healthy.

And then there are the BAD bacteria. The bacteria that made me terribly ill on my honeymoon, made scales appear all over my face, that caused a staph infection in my armpit and most recently the evil awful terrible E Coli that gave my baby boy a bladder infection. I HATE that E Coli.

Twelve days ago Raymond’s low grade teething fever spiked and his fussiness turned to something much more serious. Once again I found myself at my pediatrician’s office at 7:00 am for walk-in hours. This time around I thought I might be being overly cautious. Maybe this was just extreme teething and they were going to tell me not to worry. Or at least that is what I was mentally trying to rationalize while all of my mother instincts were totally freaking out.

We went through it all, the symptoms, the exam and finally the dreaded finger prick. After squeezing Raymond’s finger dry the doctor (who I love, btw) came back in to report that his white blood cell count was very high (a “20”) and as the ears, nose and throat were all clear that left us with one other option, his bladder. The only way to check was via catheter. I held my baby boy and covered him with kisses for the two or three minutes it took them to extract some urine and felt like the most evil terrible mother in the world. He of course bounced back right afterwards and was not at all upset.

We had to wait about 15 minutes for the results – so I nursed Raymond and played with him and generally he seemed to be feeling a lot better. Again my mind was thinking I put us through all of this unnecessarily.

The doctor walked back in again with a grave expression on her face. There was blood in his urine and an even higher white blood cell count. We had to wait until the next morning for the official culture results but alas we knew – bladder infection. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Bladder infections can quickly reach the kidneys which is the primary concern for safety reasons – as such there is no way to avoid the use of antibiotics. Damn it. We started treatment immediately and I also started supplementing with some pro-biotics on the advice of baby nurse extraordinaire, Aunt Carol Vickery. Raymond has two days left of the antibiotics and seems to be doing quite well.

I, on the other hand, have put myself through and through the ringer about how my baby boy could get E Coli. I have talked to two nurses and three doctors all of which have told me that it just happens and I can’t put this on myself. I have blamed myself for not keeping the dog away from Raymond, for not washing his hands more, for kissing his fingers, for letting the bottle serialization area in our kitchen get too close to the food prep. And it goes on and on.

Most notably I mistakenly let myself get taken in by some dumb internet site that said it was my fault for not circumcising Raymond. I have since done much more credible research and checked with every doctor I know to confirm that this was not the cause. (On this point I would like to make a side note that everyone I consulted advised me that while there is a slightly higher correlation between uncircumcised boys under one year of age to bladder infections it is not the cause and in fact the lifelong average of bladder infections in uncircumcised males is significantly less. I was also told across the board by everyone I consulted that the lifelong health benefits to the male are so great when not circumcised that whatever correlation exists to infant bladder infections is inconsequential in comparison. My question to you all then is WHY DON’T THEY TELL ALL PARENTS ABOUT ALL THE HEALTH BENEFITS WHEN THEY ARE DECIDEING WHAT TO DO? Passing out at pamphlet is one thing, but actually hearing it from the doctor is another. Still too touchy of a subject I guess.)

Next week I have to take Raymond to have an ultrasound of his kidneys as there is a slight chance that he may have an enlarged kidney that is the cause of his infection. Again blaming myself for anything I could have done in my life to mess up my reproductive organs so he might have a kidney irregularity. We also have to do another catheter to make sure the urine is all clear of infection.

If he gets a second bladder infection then we will have to have more invasive testing done. God willing that won’t happen.

In the meantime I am scrubbing down my house at every turn and making my husband crazy with all of my newly instituted mania. Earlier this week he asked if it was still possible for me to just sit and take a breather as I seem to either been tending to Raymond or cleaning something. Obviously - Morgan is right - I can’t sit down very easily. I don’t think I’ll be able to do so until I know my baby boy is really okay.

The Great Diaper Delima

2010-07-06T23:02:00.000-04:00

Like everything with pregnancy and child raising, you can find someone who will say anything about diaper choices to back up or justify your diaper practice. But when it comes down to it there really is no perfect way to diaper.

I think there are two absolutes: (1) Diapers are without question the second largest contributor to landfills around the world. (2) Human waste, when left untreated, is without question absolutely terrible for the environment.

But is it better if you only breast feed? If you only feed organic baby food? What about the effect of the treatment plants on the earth? What about cloth, chlorine free, latex free? What about water problems where I live? Forget the planet, what is best for my baby's health? The never ending series of questions goes on and on ... AND .. pick your choice or your poison, there is a study or a blog or some other seemingly credible source to back it up.

When I was pregnant Morgan and I started sifting through the massive amount of information about diapering and decided to go with cloth diapers at home and disposable whenever we were out or traveling. We have stuck to this plan pretty well - in 21 weeks of Raymond's life I have used 9 packages of 7th Generation Diapers (approx $99) and cloth diapers the rest of the time (total investment $150 so far). Our investment in cloth has certainly paid for itself and I have not had a problem with cleaning them. I use liners that are totally biodegradable between the bottom and the cloth and flush those along with any #2 waste. If the waste overflows then I use our nifty sprayer to rinse any excess off and flush it. I wash the diapers as soon as I run out of covers, about once every 6 days, with a few drops of Tee Tree Oil to act as an anti fungal. They always come out clean and I have no feeling that my washer is poopy, which was my fear. I am sure there is some reside of poop in our brown water, but I do not think it much more than some folk's skid marks would leave behind. (hehe skid marks).

I do use disposable (chlorine and latex free) diapers whenever we are traveling, going out, and when Raymond is sleeping. (And I am much less likely to "knock out" the poop with a disposable. I suck.) Simply because it is easier. And for many people that is what it comes down too - what will work in their lifestyle. Many of us live in areas with totally different environmental challenges so it makes sense that we would make alternate decisions regarding the best way to diaper for the world.

But the point blank truth of it all is that is is gross - not so much gross for us to deal with our child's poop - but gross for the world. Personally I am a little better knowing that at least 50% of our diaper waste isn't going into a landfill - but that is what works for me. There is definitely no right answer.

Mamma Chi - Follow Up

2010-07-06T22:39:00.001-04:00

As I previously mentioned, motherhood has changed my perspective on taking care of me. It would be a total lie to claim that I have ever found inter peace through yoga or meditation. I have never had the patience to perfect my practice. As a child and into my teens I did find a great deal of peace through the ritual of church and church camp, but those days are long gone. For as long as I can remember - in all the phases of my life - I have found my soul through music. And after a four night Phish run I am totally revived.

Last summer I caught 6 or 7 shows while I was pregnant and had a really good time, affirming the fact that my enjoyment had nothing to do with the party but instead with the music. However, I believe that in 2009 Phish and I were both guarded - Phish 2009 was busy trying to hit all the notes and I was busy trying to catch them - and tune out all the party I was missing around me as the pregnant SOBER driver, etc. Phish 2010 finds us both in a very different place. I am so happy to be here - to have let down the guard and the concerns and let in the music -

Despite the bruises covering my legs from dancing so hard in the seats, my chi is flowing smoothly and fruitfully. Thank God for Rock 'n Roll and Phamily, all along the way.

Mamma Chi

2010-06-26T11:53:00.000-04:00

This has been a hard week of mothering. Raymond cut his first two bottom teeth at 17 weeks with mild fussiness and barely any crying. One night we was just wired at like 3 am and I stayed up with him for a couple of hours playing and the next morning there was one tooth, the following morning the second one arrived. Since then we have had a little break from teething mania, until this week. No new teeth have appeared YET, but they are very close and my little boy hurts. I hate it. And as he has really not been a crier thus far, I am totally caught off guard by the amount of crying and lack of sleep that is going on every day.

To top it off I have went to the dentist and had a serious teeth cleaning that left my mouth in a lot of pain and I went to the dermatologist and had two moles removed.

I was feeling a little frustrated and when speaking with my brother in law this week about being a little off he pointed out the obvious - I did have pieces of me cut out this week! Philip is undergoing acupuncture treatment for chronic back problems right now and of course he would be enlightened enough to point out the freaking obvious - my Chi is totally out of wack.

I have had very successful acupuncture treatments over the course of my adult life and believe wholeheartedly in the theory behind it - and often when I can't get to a treatment try visualization meditation to balance out my Chi. I was even working in that mindset through pregnancy and delivery. But since I have had Raymond I have not had a moment to think about my internal energy flow.

I have joked a few times that as a mom I no longer have the luxury of being sick or having a "Dude" day. And I am happy with this change. All I've needed to keep myself going since I had Raymond is a shower. As long as I could have 5 to 15 minutes of hot water to wash off the spit up, etc I'm okay. Or at least that is what I have been going on - but this week I have realized that this Mamma might need a little more. I need to get my Chi back in order to be able to keep going - to be the best mom I can be and not get too run down.

Can I still be "green" and shop at Target?

2010-06-22T08:54:00.132-04:00

The only Gandhi quote I know off hand is very trendy these days - but a good quote nonetheless: "Be the change you want to see in the world." I love this quote and its sentiment - and while it closely mirrors the Golden Rule, I feel it is more expansive in not only covering the way you treat other people, but the way you live within the whole world. Thoreau also touched me in Walden: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined!" The later quote inspired my senior philosophy thesis and was a reading at our wedding in 2007. Clearly the idea of living with intention is central to the value system Morgan and I embrace and will expose Raymond to ~ it will be up to him to live how he sees fit.

Morgan and I fight against mainstream American consumer culture to make decisions that have the smallest carbon footprint possible in an effort to "be the change" in our environment. Ultimately we believe in living simply in local economies with less consumption. That is a very loaded series of goals, however, and I am faltering with the dreaded big box store.

Since moving to Raleigh I have rediscovered the convenience and value of Target. I have to admit, I REALLY look forward to getting to go to Target. It is one of my favorite air-conditioned outings. In the six years we lived in San Francisco I went to Target a total of 5 times and I remember them all vividly. There it was easier and cheaper considering the price of gas to shop at Cole Hardware or on Clement Street and not drive OUT of the city to go to Target. Here, Target is less than 2 miles from my house.

However, every time I come home from Target my dear husband gives me the slightest look of disapproval in my shopping choice. And maybe some back handed comments about me shopping there from time to time. One of the qualities I love about Morgan is that he always challenges others and himself to be more thoughtful in their actions by playing the devil's advocate - so I can't complain too much about his Target trash talk. But after a recent confrontation about it I am reflecting on my consumerism and the example I am setting for Raymond.

I have broken my choice to shop at Target down within "the change I want to see in the world" into two categories - first, the benefit of distribution of "green" products to the mainstream and second, the harm to local economy.

Target is a pretty damn good employer, corporate citizen and friend of the environment. And currently Target has the best price on 7th Generation household products in my area. So, when I need cleaning supplies, dish soap, laundry detergent I can buy the brand that is very "green" at Target and save 25% from the prices at Whole Foods, other local retailers and even more from ordering online. Target also sells a full collection of several other brands of "green" household products at a lower price than other local retailers. As such the mainstream consumer can walk into Target and be presented with easy, low cost green options. The benefit of getting these biodegradable, green - i.e. bleach, phosphate and other chemical free - products into widespread use is incredibly important to our environmental and personal health.

In business school I did a lot of research on effective ways to market green products and services, and to no surprise the most successful brands do not lead with their positive environmental impacts. Rather, to be embraced by the consumer something that is "green" needs to present a value proposition that saves money or is healthier - just being good for our world isn't enough to sell to the mainstream. It also needs to be EASY to buy and COST competitive. While the various brands have to earn credibility, distribution through Target is definitely easy and cost competitive, achieving half of the equation! I am 100% behind mainstream distribution that takes green products out of the niche.

(Note: I could also make Wal-Mart sound good as they have one of the most efficient distribution networks in the world, are covering their rooftops in solar and offer one of the nation's largest assortment of organic foods. However, as I know the first two points alone save then enough money to provide all their employees the most stellar benefits in the country, which they do not do, and their organic food selection is all factory farm organic that only became available after the FDA lowered organic standards a few years a go, and moreover they still top the world's top ten list for child labor violators. As such, I haven't shopped in a Wal-Mart in some time for anything other than emergency trips to their vision department to get contacts.)

Target is a national retailer and most definitely effects local shops. We've all heard the stores and seen the documentaries about general stores in middle America closing down due to big box operations. We know that the lower cost products are often made abroad (the dreaded made in China) and as a result not only are domestic retailers effected but so are domestic manufactures. It sucks.

If I could have the real change I want to see in the world we would step back into a world of local storefronts. And to really step out of the box I would like to see fewer options, and have the options offered to consumers have higher quality and less mass distribution of crap. But I am not sure we can really go all the way back there to the totally local marketplace in our global economy with Internet shopping. Consumers wants choice and value on demand, and I am certain that driving to a big store and finding what you want in person and taking in home has its own value in efficiency.

And I have to boast that Target and REI are pretty much the only non-local retailers where our family regularly shops. We do the best we can to support local EVERYTHING. And I think we are able to pay a premium to shop locally because I save our family money by buying household products, toothpaste, etc at Target.

Surely this also sets a positive example for Raymond? Surely shopping at Target does not make me the cause of faltering local economies? I believe I am still causing some positive change with the choices I make.

Or maybe I have just folded under the American culture for easy, cheap shopping like a house democrat selling out universal heath care for the next best reasonable option. There is always a judgement someone can make, even if you're making a good thoughtful decision.

FEVER

2010-06-22T08:35:00.000-04:00

At the end of April Raymond got his first cold on the way back from California I was shocked and thought that somehow my breast milk was failing as all the literature makes it sound like if you breast feed your baby will never get sick. Then I blamed myself for being distracted and not covering the entire plane in hand sanitizer on the way home. Even though the cold lasted over a week, he never had a fever, just a cough that broke my heart! The cold ran its course and our little man recovered nicely.

Then came the first fever in May. I noticed about mid day that he was feeling a little warm, but I didn't really trust myself to be sure. Since having Raymond and due to breast feeding my body temperature is way higher than it used to be. But at dinner that night cousin Drew was holding Raymond during dinner and also noticed that Raymond was very warm. We immediately took his temperature in his armpit and it was 103.5 degrees. We then followed it up by taking the rectal temperature as the armpit reading was so high and it was over 105 degrees. I was terrified! That sounds so incredibly high! My gut reaction was to RUN to the ER - which of course would be the worst thing I could possibly do to Raymond -

Luckily Drew is a veteran dad and was able to be very helpful and responsive. While Morgan was calling the nurse line for the pediatrician Drew called Carol, our family baby nurse, and she calmed me down. The most important part of what she said being that as long as I trust Raymond's doctor we were going to be fine. The nurse on call advised to make sure he was getting plenty of fluids, give him generic Tylenol (not to use the name brand as it was very close to the recall), strip him down to minimal clothes and go to the doctor in the morning. She said if it did not go down or peaked close to 107 degrees to call back. This whole time I am thinking 107! Are you kidding! Won't that kill someone! But my mom reminded me that baby's get really high temperatures and it is okay. We followed the nurses' advise and Raymond's temperature dropped down - although I couldn't get it below 100 all night.

This particular night we were having a nice meal and Morgan was planning on bottle feeding Raymond so I could enjoy some wine. I was about 2 1/2 glasses in when we realized he had a fever! The most important thing you can do is to nurse and get the baby hydrated and I was totally blocked from being able to do that for a couple of hours. I started pounding water while Morgan tried to give him the bottle. Raymond was seriously resisting the bottle (as usual) and I felt terrible!

I was up most of the night and had Raymond in the doctor's office when it opened at 7:00 am for "walk-in" hours for sick children. (Note: if you are looking for a pediatrician I highly recommend making sure the office has a good walk-in period for occasions like this. It was awesome not to even have to call or worry, I could just GO!) After a full exam we learned that Raymond simply had a virus - a virus that needed to run its course.

All of the baby health and prep books I read did not prepare me at all for the fear and worry that came with the first fever! But I learned a lot. Raymond has has two subsequent fevers since this experience. One after his second round of shots - the day after the shots he just moaned and moaned and had a little fever. This is to be expected. And again over the past two days he has been running slightly under 100 - also to be expected as he is teething. I hate that he doesn't feel well but I am not experiencing the frantic worry or personal blame that accompanied the first fever at all. I am not even giving him Tylenol as it has not broken 100 and I don't want to over medicate. I am nursing like crazy but that is good for both of us.

Trying NOT to Judge or be Judged

2010-06-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

If you know me you know that I can be completely judgemental. It is one of my worst qualities. Often I have to talk myself out of judgement before re-entering social situations. Throughout pregnancy and in becoming a mother I have had to face my terrible judgemental nature of others as I watched/watch people judge me for decisions Morgan and I are making. There is nothing more personal that how you decide to carry, deliver and raise your child.

However, I constantly find myself challenged. I look at other people's decisions and really think that if they only knew what I knew from all the reading a prep that we did they would make better decisions. I can even make that sound good: I think that parents should all be better educated on pregnancy, delivery, toxicology, nutrition/breast feeding and development to make the best decisions for their family and child. Although, behind that statement I am still thinking, then they would do what we are doing.

Last weekend we were in Vienna with Morgan's family and I knew my decisions were being judged twice. The first time when Raymond's great grandmother asked what he was eating and I advised that we were still on a breast milk only diet. She looked at my mother in law and said something along the lines of "they feed them so much later now." The second time when Morgan and I were discussing a trip next January and my mother in law said "oh well you can leave him with us, he'll almost be a year, you won't still be breast feeding." When I advised that in fact I am planning on still breast feeding at that time she sounded surprised with a simple "Oh you will?" Neither of these fine and generously loving ladies would ever say they thought I was wrong in either of these decisions - it is much more of a that is not how we did it sort of feeling. There are countless articles in parenting magazines and baby books about how to address the generational divide between current research on child rearing and wisdom passed down through the ages. I am blessed to not be challenged by either of their statements as I know they love us and trust the decisions we are making, but nonetheless I want to explain. I want to send studies and links and personal stories that justify why we are right in the decisions we are making for Raymond. But I know that is not the way to be. I just have to walk away - and know that if anyone ever asks I have a whole arsenal of literature to share.

Besides my nature and need to be right, I think a lot of my personal struggle with judgement is centered on my feverish need to be certain that we are doing everything right, that we are being the best possible parents, that Raymond has the best possible care and advantage we can give. There are regular pauses in my day during which I step back and remember that the most important thing we can give Raymond is simply love - not breast milk or sensory development toys. Just love. The rest is all gravy. I know that. I know that for other families too.

Babysitter.

2010-06-15T18:53:00.000-04:00

I hate being away from Raymond. Plain and simple, but as I mentioned in my last entry I need to be making some space for myself too. We have been out a few times and always had a family member babysit Raymond. A couple of weeks ago, however, we decided we wanted to find someone regular so that we could do "date nights" as well as going to see some music - and now with Morgan working if I need to do something baby free during the day we also need someone to sit for Raymond. I signed up for a trial with an online service shortly after our conversation and after several online profiles and some rather odd messages from people I was feeling pretty desperate and freaked out. Okay, really freaked out. I don't care if the service does background checks, I still can't stomach finding a babysitter online.

Then Morgan walks in the door after a round of disc golf where he has met a great new babysitter who is friends with our friends and is looking for regular babysitting. WHEW. She came over to meet me and played with Raymond and instantly I knew we had found the perfect fit!

So today I had our dream babysitter come over so I could run some mommy errands and to make sure it was all okay while I was just running around as compared to being in a movie or at a concert when it would be harder to connect. Everything was perfect. Raymond was totally happy and the babysitter did a great job.

I, on the other hand, went through a mild personal breakdown in Target when I started judging myself for missing moments with my baby. I had to come home and breastfeed mid-errands and just make sure everything was alright. I think it will be easier next time, and am sure it will be easier when Morgan and I are doing something together as opposed to me just trying to have some me time.

Am I still interesting?

2010-06-14T15:51:00.002-04:00

In the wake of being so focused on being mom and my love for Raymond I have started to loose parts of myself in other ways. That is to be expected. Morgan and I have often said that after having Raymond life perspective shifted - we can't really remember not having him or what seemed to be so important in life before having our baby boy. But this week I am suddenly searching for something interesting about me. I think it is part of every woman's fear in becoming a mom, or even worse, a housewife (how did that become me!) that they loose a part of their identity. Between this inevitable sense of identity shift (as I don't really think it is a loss) and my professional void I am freaking out a little. I do volunteer nonprofit work ~ granted it is for HeadCount and not the Junior League ~ but I am officially a stereotypical housewife. (Did I mention that I am also learning to play tennis?!?)

I know that this is just part of the phases of self adjustment I should expect with being a new mother. And I wouldn't trade this time with Raymond for the perfect job, at least until after he starts to walk, after which I will be seriously looking for work as I need to contribute and pay off those student loans for my fancy new MBA. But for now I am the mommy, the food and comfort source.

I think what gets me right now is that when my husband looks at me I see his intense appreciation and love for my new role. He supports me and loves that I love to be with Raymond. But there is a part of me that wants him to see me just as Tappan again - a well mannered little southern shit talker who can hang with the guys and dance all night long. I want to see the expression of love and amusement when I am simply me ~ but how can I expect that when I don't know where Tappan is all the time behind the responsibility and focus on Raymond that goes with being mommy. We have found a babysitter and are looking forward to some date nights in the future and I am afraid that when it is just the two of us I won't be able to find me again and that while we will continue to connect over our little boy and love for this phase in life somehow he will stop connecting with just me. (Yes that is a run on sentence written in the stream of consciousness style - I feel every teacher I have ever had reading this and am expecting the red marks ... but this is my blog and I am not turning in for a grade so THERE)

But I can't put needing to refine my personal identity on Morgan. Oh no, that ball is really in my court. I need to carve out space for my own interests and my own time to continue to grow. And only then can I find comfort in myself and confidence when I face the world as Tappan the Mommy, Tappan the Homemaker.

100% Mom

2010-06-10T09:24:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a steady job since May of 2008. Wow. That is crazy. Previously I had worked without a break from age 14 to 27. To be fair, I was finishing business school until May of 2009. Between December 2008 and May of 2009 I applied for over a hundred jobs in the Bay Area and got ONE call back for a pyramid scheme. I did some consulting work and plan to do more. And I have taken over the role of national Volunteer Coordinator for HeadCount - a volunteer job that I truly love and want to put more time into as it is. But due to our move and my pregnancy I did not secure work before I had Raymond. My plan was to wait until he was 5 or 6 months and get a job because I love to work, have a new MBA to use and I need to start paying back my over $100,000 in student loans. But, as time has passed it has become more and more evident that I want to be with my child. Now I want to stay at home until he is a year and work on trying to build up more consulting work.

Morgan has supported me in so many ways - first to quit working in the first place so I could focus on school, which was amazing. Then to move across the country and take a "promotion" even though it wasn't the best fit for him professionally to give us a better life. After he quit his job in late April and I started frantically applying for new jobs in North Carolina to tell me not to - as he wants Raymond to have his mommy and that he would find work to support us comfortably so I could be at home as long as I want. This week Morgan started his new job, which does afford us that comfort (less my student loans which are just going to have to be deferred for a little bit longer).

Not to mention the fact that because of his work from home status with SunPower and then brief period of unemployment I have really had a partner in parenting. Getting up early, letting me sleep in, playing with Raymond so I could take a bath and relax or run errands. Treating me to Saturday morning tennis lessons so I could get out of the house for some real "me" time once a week. He has done it all. I am spoiled. Totally spoiled.

This week, with Morgan's new work routine, I am 100% mommy all day long. It surprises me that my arms are sore as I felt like I had Raymond most of the time anyway. And, I have to admit that while I am seriously missing Morgan during the day, I am loving the alone time with Raymond. Focusing completely on him rather than sharing him with Morgan is awesome. I feel so in tune with all his little smiles and cuddles and play time. I feel like I have gone from simply being the food and comfort source to being the playmate too. I am seeing all the developmental and emotional LEAPS again. I am so blessed to have this time and will continue to soak it up as long as I can. I love being 100% mom, thank you Morgan for giving this time to me!

Letting Go

2010-05-25T13:29:00.000-04:00

We had a wonderful family weekend in Nashville. My good friend Kat was married on Saturday and we made the trip for the celebrations. My mom came up from Huntsville to babysit for the weekend so we could let loose a bit. Mom ROCKED. On Friday we went to the rehearsal dinner and returned to find Raymond totally happy and entertained by mom and the Tubbs, some good family friends. We came back to the hotel for me to nurse and put Raymond to bed - and then went to a bar around the corner. However, when it came time to go someplace new, I couldn't stomach being a whole 16 blocks/cab ride away from the hotel in case Raymond needed me - so I went home at midnight. Really, how lame is that? I was too worried to go farther away! With the perfect set up! Morgan was able to stay out until 4 AM rock it - but I had to be close to our little man.

On Saturday Mom, Raymond, Morgan and I went to the wedding together and once it got dark Mom took Raymond back to the hotel. I had a really hard time with this because we were relying on a shuttle to take us home and we were 45 minutes out of town and I knew I wouldn't be able to just hop home in case he needed me. But I let go - slowly. And after he left finally let myself have a much needed drink. But once again when we got back into town I came home and went to bed - not because I was too tired or didn't want to stay out with my people - but because I felt the need to be where Raymond was in case something happened. Once again, Morgan had NO PROBLEM staying out until (cough cough) 6 AM.

On Sunday I was like OK, next trip I stay out late and you stay closer to home with Raymond. And Morgan's response was totally true, there is no way I can do it when Raymond is around. I can't let go that much - can't let myself drink to much or be so far away that I can't get to him if needed. I mean seriously, I had my mother and a fridge full of pumped milk. I could have easily raged. But I couldn't do it.

I have often been the last girl standing - usually long after my husband has passed out. I need to think that when appropriate I can still pull that off - but when/how? Have I permanently changed?

Baby Signs

2010-05-12T13:37:00.000-04:00

We have several friends who have taught their babies sign language as a form of expression before they could speak. There are a few theories on how to do it - Morgan and I have used a simple approach so far, introducing only the signs for mommy, daddy and milk.

We had some good advice, first from my best friend Jane, who said "Don't teach them MORE - there is nothing more annoying than having a kid sign 'MORE' but then can't follow it up with what they want more of!" That is why we are teaching milk, and not more.

Morgan has been very good about using the daddy sign when he talks to Raymond, and a could of weeks ago Raymond started putting his had on his forehead, but he hasn't quite been able to get it right because he doesn't seem to have consciousness about what kind of shape his hand is in ... nonetheless, last weekend when my mom was in town Raymond did make his version of the daddy sign to explicitly ask for Morgan. WOW. That is all I could think. WOW. HE DID IT. And of course I took him to Morgan (who was in the process of cooking a gourmet Mother's Day Weekend Dinner for us!).

This experience left me proud as I could be - I really do think Raymond is exceptionally bright and perfect. Okay, now I sound like one of those moms, but really I can't help it.

Today, however, a new kind of excitement came when Raymond looked directly at me and made the mommy sign for the first time, with his hand perfectly open and everything. I am a big puddle of gooey melted mommy pride and love as a result. I really have no idea how much of what he is doing with the signs is based on actual cognative function or if he is just following our lead. Either way he is developing so well by leaps and bounds and I have to say that I am damn proud of the job we are doing.

Not to mention the fact that he also just rolled over for the first time ... however, I am not sure that counts as he is asleep and didn't know that he was doing it. At least I know he can now, right?

Hello BLOG, have you missed me?

2010-05-12T13:01:00.000-04:00

I had great expectations that after Raymond was born I would use this blog to regularly keep track of his life and milestones. However, I have barely used it and honestly find it flat whenever I try to write just about Raymond. I can't seem to put words together to explain how awesome it is to sit and talk with him for 30 minutes, or about how each new sound makes my heart melt. How can you explain what it feels like to have your child sound out their first S or D noises? But I have found that I have missed having the blog as a resource for myself. So, I have decided to revamp and write about my experiences as a new mother - I am sure Raymond will find his way into blog just the same.

Best Husband/Dad Ever

2010-03-09T13:22:00.001-05:00

I have to take a moment and give some serious kudos to Morgan. Every day he blows my mind by doing something new and wonderful for me and Raymond. Most notably, he likes to take the 6 a.m. feeding/changing/playing shift and let me sleep until I am needed. He gets a little time alone with Raymond and feeds and loves on him and takes care of me at the same time.

We knew having Morgan work from home most of the time would be great for me and the baby, but I did not realize how great it would be for Morgan too. In addition to starting his days off with his son, every time he is feeling a little overworked all he has to do is leave his office, walk down the hall and hold the baby for a few minutes to re-goup. (Sometimes I can even get a shower in these moments)

I feel SO blessed to have such a partner in parenting. YAY Morgan (aka Dad).

First Road Trip

2010-03-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

Last weekend we headed to Virginia to introduce Baby Raymond to his great grandmother, Clarene Vickery (aka Meemaw) and see Morgan's family. We had great expectations of calling all our friends and family in the area to see the baby and have an open house of sorts at Morgan's parent’s house. However, a strange twist early in the week made it very had to make plans as well as having to make some big parent choices early on. Morgan's dad called on Tuesday to advise that he might have the shingles – which would mean that he could transfer the virus to Raymond and give the little guy chicken pox. At 5 chicken pox is no big deal but at 5 weeks having chicken pox can be very dangerous! Ray was supposed to get his test back on Thursday to let us know the results. We scheduled the trip for this weekend because Morgan had a conference to attend in DC on Friday so there was NO canceling the trip – instead we just made a backup plan to stay with Meemaw. Thank goodness we had another place to go as late Friday we finally learned that Ray did in fact have the shingles and could not touch or be around Raymond for the weekend.

I have been going to Vienna to see Morgan’s family for 7 years and have never stayed at Meemaw’s house before. In addition to traveling with the baby for the first time I was also going into a totally new environment. I have to admit I got a little nervous the first night when Morgan left to go see his dad and I was there to set everything up alone. However, I was able to set up Raymond travel bed (which is really more like a tent) and get comfortable on my own.

Even as Ray having shingles and changing plans was disappointing, it also turned into a wonderful surprise weekend with Meemaw getting to spend so much more time with Raymond than if we had just come over for dinner or to visit in the afternoon. Instead, she really got to know the baby and play with him, which was just perfect. Similarly we all got to spend more time with Uncle Steve which was awesome. I really enjoyed getting to chat with him more than I usually do.

Meredith Vickery was able to briefly meet Raymond on Friday when she was at Parkwood. Granny Annie and Uncle Phil came over to play with the baby and Meemaw extended awesome hospitality. Agnes came over on Saturday for lunch to meet Raymond and catch up with us, which was also a great and different kind of visit than we usually get to have with Agnes. Amanda Morgan also came over to meet her new cousin. All and all we had a great weekend. I am now very glad that we didn’t try to see more people as I was totally wiped out and so was Raymond. We now know to keep visits short and not have too many people.

On Sunday we went out to Four Sun’s Farm (where Morgan and I were married) to play. For some reason I felt like I was supposed to stay inside with the baby and did not take advantage of getting him as much fresh spring air as I should have – I guess it seemed a little too chilly. I regret that decision now as not getting outside as much I wanted put me in a bad mood the whole way home. We did enjoy the spring air the best we could and feasted on great munchies with Ann, Ray and Phil while the dogs ran around to play.

Raymond did show signs of being a little bit fussy in his new environments but generally he was a dream. I think he just got fussy because we messed up his sleep pattern (it would be wrong for me to call it a schedule as I haven’t even come close to setting a schedule up). Today is our second day at home and it feels like we are almost recovered - - -

Breast Feeding Does Work : )

2010-03-01T22:21:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow marks Raymond's one month birthday! We went to the doctor today to have his well visit - a trip that I have been a little afraid of despite knowing that he seems to be doing well. At these well visits they weigh the baby and let you know if they are gaining the "right" amount of weight. As a breast feeding mother there is no way for me to be certain about the amount of milk going into Baby Raymond - yes, I can look at what is coming out to know he is getting something - but it is nerve racking just the same. A couple of times a week Morgan gives him a bottle and I then know he is getting X amount of pumped milk, but otherwise it is all on faith.

And then there is the spit up. You know that babies spit up, you see little bits of it around the wee ones over the years. But you do not know the sadness of a new mom whose entire life is dedicated (happily) to feeding her child and then to see it come up again and again and again. Even if you are giving them enough milk to grow, how can they be getting what they need if they can keep it down!

My mind, my fears and my inexperience have had my mind racing over the past two weeks worried SICK that I was not providing enough for Raymond. I some found comfort in talking to good friends who are also breast feeding and resources online - but the scale has been looming. Raymond’s big one month weigh in ...

and the results are GREAT!

Raymond:

Weight -

Birth: 7 lbs, 7 oz

One Month: 9 lbs, 10 oz

Length (guess they can say height until he stands up!)

Birth: 20 1/4 inches

One Month: 21 1/2 inches

YAY! My boy is growing well and god's resource, a mother's breast milk, works! There is something very confidence building about these results for me. I wonder how big he'll be on April 1!

Raymond's First Sewanee Party & Outing!

2010-02-25T04:49:00.001-05:00

Last weekend was a very exciting time. On Friday Liz has us over for dinner in Chapel Hill and Raymond got to meet Liz, Chrissie and Graham as well as having a surprise visitor, Hayley! We almost bailed on the dinner party because we were so wiped out from Morgan's first week back teaching and we are SO GLAD that we did not. It was a blast and Raymond was a dream the whole time we were at Liz's house. However, as soon as he got into the car for our 30 minute drive home he started crying and did not stop until we were pulling into our driveway. It broke my heart and there was nothing I could do. Carol, our Aunt and Baby Nurse told me the next day that it is not uncommon for a baby to be in a happy zone when being exposed to a lot of new stimulus and then to respond by crying once the baby has been removed from the new situation. Very interesting.

On Sunday we followed up the dinner party by heading back to Chapel Hill to play outside. The weather has been so miserable and Sunday was suddenly a warm 66 degrees and sunny. Raymond has been out to eat and run some errands, but this was his first outdoor outing! We broke out the BOB and took it off road for a riveting game of disc golf with Graham, Chrissie and Liz. Lots of fun in the sunshine! Raymond, however, stayed shaded and asleep for the game.

My Boys (Check out Raymond's Awesome SF Garb, Thanks Uncle Basel!)

2010-02-25T04:39:00.000-05:00

Raymond loves his bouncer! Many thanks to the Morgans...

2010-02-25T04:34:00.000-05:00

Kat comes to meet Raymond - February 13

2010-02-25T04:15:00.000-05:00

Raymond: Weeks 1 & 2

2010-02-18T18:43:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting that while Raymond is only 19 days old I feel like I have known him forever. Morgan said that his first impression when holding the baby in the operating room is that he has an old soul - and maybe that is so.

Physically he is so strong and lean. He lost a little too much weight in the hospital but since then he has chowed away on breast milk and is filling in. We checked out of our one week visit with the pediatrician with Raymond weighing 7 lbs 12 oz, so he is healthy and growing as he should be! Breast milk is working. Breast feeding has become my life, and luckily he has taken to it very easily. I kind of feel like a cow some of the time, but generally it is an amazing expereince. I have heard over the years that it is a "bonding" expereince between mom and baby - but I never imagined what the "bonding" expereince would mean in my life. I would like to think it will mean the same thing for Raymond but he probably won't remember. :)

He makes lots of grunting noises, can lift his head well, smiles in his sleep and sometimes when he comes off the boob. He keeps filling out and developing more and more characteristics - for instance his little chin which seemed to be set into the rest of his face has filled out and now looks a lot like my chin. I love observing the changes in is facial shape expressions every day. It is hard to keep up.

Reflection

2010-02-18T13:02:00.000-05:00

I obviously haven't been good about blogging since we had Raymond. Honestly my hands have been pretty full getting used to the baby - I didn't want to put him down for the first week at all. And, moreover I have been a little messed up by the way our birth turned out. I think I am over it, but the first few weeks have been filled with a lot of tears and uncertainty as a result of having our "natural childbirth" go so un-natural. Before I move on from this point, which is one that I really hope not to revisit ever - well, at least until we have another baby and we have to decide what our plan will be, I would like to reach out to all of those who say "It doesn't matter how the birth turned out because you have a healthy baby." NOT TRUE. At the same time that I am filled with the greatest joy in my life, there is also a great sense of loss and I have had to allow myself the opportunity to feel those emotions. On some level I ultimately feel like a failure - on other levels I know the interventions we had were medically necessary and know in theory that is why they exist. My experience as a new parent has undoubtedly been effected by the birth experience - not my love for or "bonding" with Raymond, but a place inside of me has hurt. I am getting over it with the support of Morgan and the community we made through our Bradley classes and friends - but it is there. I hope that new moms everywhere know that it is okay to have feelings like this and they do get better. They do - but don't feel at fault for feeling sadness about your experience in the birth process. As a woman, as a mother - you have the right to have those feelings about what YOU went through - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

And the future entries of this blog will be dedicated to my amazing son!

Raymond Comes Home February 3, 2010

2010-02-03T22:51:00.008-05:00

A Birth Story … or Novel… Raymond Arthur Vickery, born January 30, 2010 at 5:19 P.M.

2010-02-02T23:57:00.003-05:00

I am not even sure when to begin this birth story as it feels like such a wild ride really over a week. On Monday night we had our last Bradley Class and left felling recharged and ready for labor. You were already 4 days past due and we had an early appointment with Dr. V. Your dad and I had a natural childbirth planned and I was very nervous about going to the doctor and discussing induction. Luckily your dad was able to clearly talk to Dr. V while I was nervous about our hopes and the induction time line and we secured a hospital appointment on February 4 so I would have more time to go into labor. It is really important to note this appointment as it left us feeling totally supported by our medical team, which ultimately got us through your birth!

I had a healthy pregnancy so waiting the full 42 weeks before inducing seemed safe and reasonable to everyone involved. The only mild concern was that my blood pressure had started to increase slightly over the past month.

On Friday we returned to the doctor’s office for a routine check and Non Stress Test. When the nurse was doing my vitals prior to meeting with Dr. Grana I noted that my blood pressure had spiked significantly just in 3 days. I had also suffered some serious nausea the night before which then meant that I had two signs of preeclampsia in a 24 hour range. As soon as Dr. Grana came into the room it became obvious that she was also concerned about this possibility. She did the exam and asked us to head on over to the hospital where we would start induction as soon as possible. At this point I was a fingertip dilated, approximately 70% effaced and you were in a -2 station.

Your dad and I took our time (as usual). Filled with excitement, we dilly dallied around with anticipation of your arrival! We went home to get our bags and set up the animals. We also talked to our parents and a couple of friends to let them know we were headed to the hospital. We stopped at Whole Foods to get some lunch from their hot bar and get some treats for the nurses. At 12:30 we finally checked into the hospital for induction.

As we were checked in and had all of the initial work done we quickly realized that the risk of preeclampsia was limiting our birth preferences. We knew that the Pitocin would require continuous fetal monitoring and a continuous IV, so we immediately requested a telemetry unit so we would have freedom of movement. However, due to the high blood pressure this request was denied and we learned that we would have to stay in the bed or within the immediate proximity of the bed, where I had to be seated, per my doctor’s orders. I had to not only be hooked up to the IV, but also to a blood pressure cuff for a reading every 30 minutes. Additionally, I was not allowed to labor in the bath or shower.

At 2:00 pm they started a low dose of Pitocin through an IV drip. We were getting a low dose to help protect you from being under too much stress and realized that we were in for a very long night. We projected that you might arrive in the wee hours of the morning on January 30.

I checked in with our afternoon nurse and learned that my blood tests came back positively and I did not appear to in fact be at risk for preeclampsia, which in my mind meant that as soon as our midwife got there I could get a new set of orders and have all of the restrictions listed above removed from our labor.

At 6:30 pm Mary Charles, the midwife on call for my labor came over to the hospital and inserted the Foley Blub, the second part of my induction procedure. The Foley Bulb was put into the tip of my cervix and air and fluid was blown into a balloon to manually force my cervix open. Once the bulb was put in your dad and I anxiously were waiting for labor to start and to use all of our Bradley techniques! We had oils, tennis balls, rice socks, etc lined up and ready to go just as soon as things really got moving. Mary Charles was also ready and planned to spend the night to support us through the labor and delivery. At this point I was not able to ask her about lifting the restrictions as she had to run off to another labor, but knew we could discuss it when she got back.

At 7:00 there was a shift change and the first of many amazing nurses came into our life. Apparently at shift change they took requests for who wanted to work the natural birth and Kristen volunteered. As a successful mother of 2 natural births she came into our room with a positive, supportive attitude and ready advised us through the process.

My Foley Bulb came out at approx 9:30 pm and there was a lot of blood. The nurse that assisted Kristen in taking it out checked me and told us that we had made it to 3 cm of dilation. I had only felt a couple of contractions, which I would not categorize as severe. I was starting to feel very lucky about my pain management skills and thought we were moving right along.

Not long after the bulb came out Mary Charles came back into check on us. She came in ready to have “a talk” with us about our options. I, on the other hand, thought she was coming in to tell us how great we were doing and lift all the restraints on my movement, etc. As soon as she sat down I advised that I understood I was cleared from my blood tests and would like a telemetry unit and to be able to move around. She looked at me frankly and told me that I was borderline on the blood tests and my blood pressure was still running really high. She continued to advise us that we needed to discuss what our options would be in hard labor if my blood pressure was spiking. She said she would recommend either an Epidural or a dose of Magnesium Sulfate to bring my blood pressure down.

Your dad and I asked her to explain what the risks to the baby and to the mom if my blood pressure “spiked” and what the Magnesium Sulfate was. We learned that you and I were at risk for seizure due to the blood pressure increase. Additionally, Mag Sulfate is a nervous system drug given to prevent seizures. We were advised that the Mag Sulfate is safe for the baby but required more recovery time and monitoring for the mom, who would suffer many side effects. We had not heard of Mag Sulfate before and did not like the way it was described to us. Mary Charles presented us with this information so we would have time to consider it calmly and not in the heat of the moment, which I really appreciated. She also said as my blood pressure had been going down little by little over the past few hours she felt comfortable allowing me to continue on our natural birth plan.

And so we did … for the next several hours. It was snowing outside and we had a few of the courtyard where the snow was accumulating. Your dad turned off the lights and I sat on the birthing ball rocking back and forth to make it seem like I was walking and watched the snow fall while he played me the guitar. I was feeling slight cramping and the monitor was registering contractions. We felt that we were making great progress especially when my body temp started dropping and I got very nauseous for about 30 minutes. Kristen decided to check me at about 2:00 am after my stomach calmed down and we were all confident that we would be pleased! She checked me and as I looked at her face I knew we were not as far along as hoped. She marked me down as 3 cm dilated, 80% effaced and -2 station. Obviously a disappointing result, especially after being on Pitocin for 12 hours. Mary Charles and Kristen suggested that we go off the Pitocin, sleep for a few hours and start again in the morning. Additionally, Mary Charles advised that she was not comfortable breaking my waters because the baby was sitting so high. She planned to consult with Dr. Toma in the morning and said if he was comfortable doing it then it would make sense to kick in labor.

At 6:45 a.m. on January 30 Dr. Toma came in and checked me and broke my bag of waters. We learned that there was mecomium in my fluid, which means that you had had your first bowel movement inside of me and is a possible sign of distress. Mary Charles assured us that as there were no other signs of irregularity on your heart monitor we shouldn’t worry about the maconium. Pitocin started back up again at 7:00 and we said goodbye to Kristen, our sweet nurse and advocate, as we moved on to a third shift of nurses for our labor. Her parting words to us were to make sure I changed position as much as possible.

I immediately started to feel contractions. They did not hurt terribly, but required that I move around. Mary Charles let me move around as much as I wanted in the room as long as the heart monitor was working and my blood pressure was low. We lucked out AGAIN and had a wonderful nurse, Peggy, come in to work with us. Peggy came in full time and was monitoring my blood pressure, contractions, etc as well as providing awesome advice on positions in the kindest possible way. During the next 3 to 4 hours your dad and I danced together, he rocked back and forth in the rebozo, I got up and down on all fours while he massaged me and so forth. All and all I was finding the pain very manageable with the techniques we learned in birthing class as well as some good music! As long as I was moving, I never felt like the pain got more than a 5 or 6 rating on a 10 point pain scale. However, as the morning progressed I tried to sit or lie down a couple of times to try to get comfortable and preserve my strength. I found that I could not lie down or be still – then the pain became much more intense and I was unable to manage it. At 11:00 am I was checked and they found I was at 5 cm, 80% effaced and -2 station. We were so excited! You were on your way!

Peggy made the suggestion that I sit all the way up and let your dad massage my feet while we listen to music to help me get some rest. We listened to some Garcia/Grisman bluegrass and I went into a trance. I could feel the contractions coming on like a wave, but would get lost in a song and forget about them – then I would feel like your dad was pulling the pain right out of me when he would rub my feet. It was amazing! Eventually the album ended and my trance was broken and I got up and started moving around again.

Peggy kept asking me to rate my pain and I never said I was feeling more than a 6. As long as I could sway my hips in by dancing with your dad, make low, groaning breaths or be in the rebozo I was feeling good. At about 1:45 I started to feel pressure on my back and my pain level increased. Your dad started to use the tennis balls on my counter pressure point in my back with great success.

At this point I looked over and started to realize that my blood pressure was reading pretty high. First I noticed top numbers in the 150s and bottom numbers in the 90s – not that I know what those numbers mean exactly. I just knew they were high. Peggy looked a little worried and suggested that I sit down again. With the new pressure in my back it was impossible for me to get comfortable sitting or lying down. The pain suddenly jumped to an 8 or 9 on the 10 point scale when I was down. So, I of course jumped back up! At this same time I saw that my blood pressure was reading something like 169/120 – which is very dangerously high! Peggy said I had to sit down and I asked her to get Mary Charles as I was becoming frightened.

Mary Charles came into the room and said that she needed to check me and that I had to sit or lie down for a while and bring my blood pressure back down. I tried to take her direction, but sitting was too painful. She checked me at approximately 2:30 pm and I was 6 cm, 90% effaced and -2 station. I tried to get up after the exam and she told me that I really could not. My blood pressure had gotten really high (somewhere along here it was 200/95 (ish)) and it was time to discuss the epidural and/or Mag Sulfate for treatment.

I was so frustrated and in so much pain from sitting down I kept trying to put the conversation off my tricking my way into getting to stand up by claiming I had to use the bathroom. Neither your dad nor Mary Charles were letting me get away with any of these tricks. Your dad started trying to coach me through transition as he thought my irrationality and the new intensity of labor clearly indicated I was in this phase. He told Mary Charles and Peggy that is where he thought I was and how he wanted to help get me through it as we had planned. They both disagreed with his thought that I was in transition due to my progress (or lack thereof) and more notably the position of the baby.

I was sort of aware of their conversation around me but concentrating harder on trying to transcend the pain. I kept thinking that I just had to get through it, and kept trying to get off of the bed to do that. Finally I realized that when I was getting off of the bed my blood pressure was increasing a great deal and I was seeing a lot of spots whenever I sat up or pretty much opened my eyes. I remembered our conversation the night before about seizures and looked and Mary Charles and asked her to get the epidural. I immediately became so embarrassed and unhappy in my decision. I felt like your dad would never forgive me and like I had caved in and was already failing to be the mother I wanted to be for you. At this point I let my emotions totally take over and started crying about being a failure and begging your dad to forgive me. Both he and Mary Charles tried to calm me down and repeatedly told me I was not failing, that I was making a medical decision based on facts and need. I still could not hear them and continued to get more and more upset until they had to sedate me with Stadol.

As I got the shot Mary Charles said I would feel like I had one too many margaritas in a few minutes and then we would get the epidural. I was already thinking about ways to avoid the epidural and it occurred to me that the Stadol might be all I needed to get my blood pressure down. I laid back into the bed on my side and your dad wrapped his arms around me and I fell totally asleep.

When I started to wake up I felt the back pain and thought I was at home, waking up in bed with your dad in the early phases of labor. I got out of bed looking for Cooper to let him out and to start moving around to see if I was really in labor. Your dad got up and slowly brought me back to reality and I started to realize where I was and what had just happened. I started to suddenly be at peace with my choice and knew it was the right thing to do considering all the factors and our end goal – a healthy baby and a healthy mom.

I was pretty out of it when I got the epidural. Directly after they put in a catheter for my bladder and a catheter to monitor the contractions inside my uterus. Mary Charles explained that they wanted to monitor the contractions to see how effective they were being. Peggy said she needed to see how big they were from the inside to figure out the right dose of Pitocin to get the baby moving out. They asked that I go to sleep while they got a read on where I was. When I fell asleep I knew Peggy had turned the Pitocin up from a dose of 2 to a dose of 10 (20 being the highest dose). Your dad took a little break and went out to talk to his parents and get a snack. I woke up just a few minutes later to Peggy, Mary Charles and another nurse, Ann, talking in whispered tones and looking at the print out from the external monitor. I pretended to still be asleep to see if I could pick up on what they were saying and learned that I was contracting every minute and that there was no resultant progress in dilation or effacement. Additionally, they had noted a slight irregularity on the heart monitor every so often, indicating that the baby was probably in some kind of distress.

I made it clear that I was awake and asked for a report on the status and was relieved that Peggy and Mary Charles disclosed all of their whispers to me openly. Mary Charles also made me aware of something that I had missed over the past two days – the baby had not moved down at all. Every check from Friday morning with Dr. Grana to the last check that afternoon found the baby’s head to be at -2 station. Mary Charles also said it was molded, a word I had started to pick up on throughout the day on Saturday but had not really been concerned about. Apparently the baby’s head was not going to fit through the birth canal at its current position and nothing we had down over the past 2 days was affecting that position. Suddenly not only was I doped up, lying down but I also had to talk about a c-section, the number one intervention I wanted to avoid. About this time I looked over and realized that they had taken me off of the Pitocin and Mary Charles had already called Dr. Toma so that he would be ready to do the section.

Unlike the decision to get the epidural, getting the c-section with the facts in front of me was an easy choice. You were showing multiple signs of distress, the placenta was getting old, my waters were broken, I was not dilating even on a high dose of Pitocin … the list goes on. But most fundamentally, your head would not move out.

Your dad came back into the room to check on me and I updated him on the new status. He seemed surprised, terrified and relieved all at the same time. Twenty minutes later I was being wheeled into the OR and approximately an hour later you entered our world.

Your birth was a wild ride! Your dad and I came together and got through it, creating one of the most amazing experiences of our lives. Thank you for putting up with 29 hours of labor and greeting us with so much joy! We can’t wait for a whole lifetime of adventures with you, Raymond Arthur Vickery.

8 days later ... still no Thriller ... but still laughing

2010-01-29T06:59:00.004-05:00

In North Carolina yesterday was the "calm before the storm." There was a high of 65 degrees and it could not have been more beautiful outside which was lovely considering that it is below freezing today and we are looking forward to another week or so of very cold temperatures.

Morgan had a full day and then got us outside. We drove to Chapel Hill to check out a new disc golf course right on campus. This particular course used to be a golf course and it is long and beautiful. We jumped in on the back 9 and Morgan started chatting it up with a very nice guy on the course, and the next thing I new Cooper and I were trailing behind playing in the woods while the boys were going after the course. I personally don't like to throw with other folks because I am so terrible and I needed to entertain Cooper as he is a total freak on the course.

It was a nice walk, lots of hills, etc. I knew that I was only good for 9 holes based on the length of the course and the fact that we had dinner plans at Morgan's cousin Erin's house. However, we did not realize that when we came to the end of the course we would be so far away from where we were parked. Our nice new friend gave us directions and Morgan, Cooper and I trotted away to find our way back to the car and to Erin's house.

The ground along our walk was literally a swamp - muddy as it could be. My shoes were covered in mud, my dog was covered in mud and my jeans were covered in about 3 inches of mud at the bottom. Needless to say our leisurely walk had turned into a complete mess - and in my mind here we are about to go to a dinner party! I was not pleased, but Morgan was keeping me smiling and laughing at our "bog" just the same. I thought I saw a dryer way to walk in the woods, and in my attempt to cut across along the edge of the fairway my shoe got stuck in the mud and came off and now I also had wet, muddy socks. Lovely.

We saw a bridge and dry path and thought we should get on it - although we realized that it would turn us around and take us off the course. We thought we had no choice. We slowly started back up the hill on the dry path and images of what would happen if my water broke and we were lost in the woods at sundown with no jackets and really no idea where we even were started to enter our heads. At this point we look through the woods and see our new friend, who was playing the rest of the course, looking curiously at us and I am sure wondering where in the hell we are going.

On our walk bak down to meet him and get better directions Morgan gets me laughing so hard that my stomach starts to cramp and I start throwing up, which makes me laugh even more because I become convinced that I might actually go into a very muddy labor! Morgan keeps it going, suggesting that he could have delivered Thriller into his fleece vest and then he would have made millions writing a book about the experience.

We meet our new friend in the bog and realize that we were only about 100 yards from the parking lot that whole time. More laughter. More puking. More cramping.

We had to cancel dinner with Erin as by this point I was really a total mess and feeling pretty bad from all the puking and cramping. I did let myself get excited, however, thinking that this could be it! Our car ride home was very uncomfortable and I was getting very hopeful! But alas, we came home and the cramping and puking subsided and there is no baby Thriller.

We go and see the doctor later this morning and I'll find out if that cramping meant anything as far as dilation goes!

Thriller Watch Update

2010-01-27T12:39:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we went into the DR for a stress test, fluid measuring and exam ... and more importantly to figure out what the next steps are IF I do not go into labor. Initially Triangle told us they would let us go approx 10 days after the due date - but it was clear that there could be a few days here or there based on the situation and considering that we know my ovulation date is off as I quite my birth control in the middle of a cycle/package and was pregnant 10 days later. I have felt confident that if we got to this point we would be able to do what is best and not be pushed around.

That all being said, I was extremely anxious going into the doctor yesterday. I had a terrible dream, was up at 6 am in tears, and generally just really worried. We got to the office and we went into the stress test - basically I laid back in a giant recliner and had probes belted onto me. I could see the monitor and print out from where I was sitting and could hear the baby's heart beat in the room. The heart beat was the best part! However, the print out was depressing. The top line represented contractions, and it was flat as flat could be, but at least it was accompanied by the baby's heartbeat on the second line, which was strong and healthy.

Morgan was there with me and decided it would be a good time to try some relaxation exercises from our Bradley class as the whole thing was making me so on edge. He was right, and just as we were about to turn to violet in our meditation sequence Dr. V walked in to check on us and move us to another room, suggesting calmly as we moved over that it was probably time to bite the bullet and talk about induction.

I completely froze. I had so much to say - so many questions - ideas - etc but I lost them all. Dr. V is super mellow, easy to talk to, listens, not judgmental - pretty much I just really trust and like him. And I lost my nerve to start using all of the skills we have learned in Bradley and all of the knowledge we have gathered to be able to talk about what we want. Luckily my dear husband did not.

Dr. V checked the fluid levels and placenta via ultrasound and then did my exam - no progress from the past 2 to 3 weeks - still effaced, still ripe, still a fingertip dilated. Then he left for me to get dressed again and came back in to chat with us about our plan. Morgan asked all the questions and talked to him about our hopes and got us a full 2 weeks past the due date so we are scheduled to go in next week. I was a deer caught in headlights. Good doctor, tell me what to do. Jesus, you would NOT think I had not spent the past nine months preparing for this!

After Morgan and Dr. V worked out the details and the appointment was made with the hospital Dr. V looked directly at me and softly asked "I know you have questions" and then I was slowly able to start talking again.

So the plan is as follows:

(Hopefully go into labor on my own)
IF NOT then,
7:30 PM on Wed Feb 3 check into WakeMed Cary
Have Foley Bulb Inset - basically a bulb is put into my cervix and air is blown in to try and open it up some more
Spend the night at the hospital, maybe go into labor :)
6:00 AM on Thurs Feb 4 - Foley Bulb removed (unless it has fallen out), water broken, pitocin started
Hopefully have the baby before approx 10 pm, after 10 pm start thinking about c-section

Okay. Not what we want to happen, but all things being equal, pretty much the best back up plan we could possibly ask for. I feel totally confident in the support of my Dr, which is key, and trust him completely. I feel totally confident in my coach - Morgan really came through yesterday as such a knowledgeable and great communicator! Feeling his support and the fact that he is so in tune with me to know when to step in and take over (note that I generally have a hard time letting go control) makes me know that once we get into labor, whenever or however that happens, all I have to do is focus on me and Thriller and Morgan will be able to take care of everything else.

I feel relaxed and supported and loved. All and all not a bad place to be. Maybe this state of mind will kick in my labor!

Bradley Class 12 (again)

2010-01-26T08:05:00.001-05:00

Morgan and I went back to our Bradley class last night, despite the fact that I went to the last class in the previous series and I am so glad we did! For several reasons. (1) I totally wasn't prepared for the breast feeding class 14 weeks ago so I got a lot more out of it this time around. (2) We had a lactation consultant, a Le Leche League leader and a PhD candidate in nutrition all come to talk to us about breast feeding so it was VERY INFORMATIVE. (3) The dinner/pot luck party a a great way to chat and really feel connected to the community around the class and feel like we have a support system going forward. (4) Morgan got to practice diapering and swaddling a baby doll, which was pretty much the cutest thing ever.

OKAY, now I just need to go into labor!

Today was not the day ...

2010-01-23T19:56:00.002-05:00

Well, I was hopeful. Last night Cooper and Ophelia totally bugged out and would not leave me alone. Ophelia started running into the nursery and meowing frantically all night. They both came into the bathroom and stared at me at the same time while I was taking a bath - Ophelia even jumped up on the edge of the tub. And of course I think started over analyzing everything that was going on inside my body and realized that I was having some mild cramping. We fell asleep to Thriller moving around at a rapid pace and as he/she was hitting me all over I had the slightest glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that maybe it wasn't the baby moving around but rather my uterus moving around.

No such luck.

And then today was my first due date.

And it is Poppy's birthday.

We wanted it to be today.

Maybe tomorrow. Morgan thinks late next week. We'll see ...

I told Thriller not to rush this morning, he/she will be rushed through everything in life, if they need more time - take it! Just don't make me have a c-section or induction, please!

2010-01-22T17:44:00.002-05:00

Tappan at 40 weeks and 1 day. Thriller hasn't made a big move yet, but we are hopeful.

Countdown 00:00:00, Still No Thriller

2010-01-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

If you are an avid reader of the Thriller News Filler, you might have noticed that we have had a countdown clock at the bottom of the blog. Every day I have faithfully scrolled down to see how many days, hours and minutes it is until the due date with anticipation that today would somehow mean something. On Tuesday when I went to the doctor it was apparent that I would likely not deliver today - but I have still been holding out some hope - especially as I know our favorite midwife is on call today. As the day goes on, however, reality has set in. I am probably not going to meet Thriller today - or even tomorrow - and life must go on.

In my next doctor's appointment on Tuesday I have to do a stress test to make sure that Thriller is still okay. As long as the baby does not show signs of stress we carry on - and can go until 1/31 without facing pitocin. Initially, a pitocin induced labor was one of the things I wanted to avoid the most - as it often leads to so many other interventions and can put the baby under stress. However, in the past weeks we have had 3 birth stories from other Bradley couples - all of which had to induce, all of which were able to still have pain medication free births, all of which were at the same hospital where we will be and so forth. The reality of this being a possibility is slowly setting in and I think we will be okay if that is what we are faced with. I would be most disappointed, however, if I have to have a c-section. The reality there is that doctors, midwives, birth centers, etc don't want to do VBACs and I would never have the opportunity to experience a truly natural birth if we get to that point. So fingers crossed we can avoid a c-section, even if pitocin becomes a reality we have to deal with.

There are many other avenues for drug free induction that we will pursue prior to getting to that point, but I want to wait until next week after the stress test and our next doctors appointment to begin the aggressive options.

Right now Morgan is betting on January 23, his Poppy's birthday. I like it! The 23rd was also my initial due date according to the midwives in California - so ... maybe, just maybe, that is when little Thriller will come out into the open!

Bradley Class 11

2010-01-19T06:44:00.002-05:00

As you may recall, if you have been following my Bradley blogging, that this is really class 12 for me as I took the last class on breast feeding first due to my due date. I am not sure if we will go again next week - obviously the first reason not to go would be because Thriller has arrived (please please please please) and the second being that I have already taken the class. We would really like to come because it is a party and to end our "journey" with the 8 couples we have been taking the class with for the past several months

The intersection of people interested in the Bradley method creates a very unique class dynamic. There are those who are older, quiet and more reserved, younger liberal looking couples, couples where the husbands are just there because the wife wants to do natural birthing and others couples where the husband is just as engaged (maybe too engaged?) in the process as the wife and so forth. All and all a pretty socially awkward scene. By the end of 12 weeks, however, we might not know each other's last names but we have broken down a lot of barriers and formed a loose community of first time parents stepping out into the next, amazing phase of life.

Last night we had a couple who took the last series and currently have an adorable 11 week old baby boy come and share their birth experience. I was very moved by their story and dedication. Throughout the course of their pregnancy they did not believe they would be able to have a vaginal birth because the mom had a low placenta. But she was totally dedicated to the hope that the placenta would move and she would be able to give her baby a natural birth. She took all the classes and prepared herself and her husband with no rational reason to think she would be able to have a natural birth - just hope. And low and behold just weeks before her due date her placenta shifted simply 3 cn which enabled her to realize the joy of birthing.

In class last night she said she felt very blessed to be able to experience the process of giving birth to their child as her body was made, something that would have been robbed of her if she had been forced into a c-section for this birth and thus for any future children they might have.

Wow, right? What a statement - what a story - so much strength and faith is show in this woman and her husband that they did not give up on their birthing experience. I know I feel inspired.

Paternity Leave

2010-01-17T18:07:00.003-05:00

SunPower, a California Company, offers up to 6 weeks of family leave to mothers and fathers at 80% pay in accordance with the law. Morgan went through the approval process for the leave, only planning to take 3 weeks off, and we have been planning on enjoying the time together bonding with Thriller.

However, he decided to call his HR contact to confirm exactly how much his paycheck would be hit and how benefits, etc would be effected. Thank GOD he did.

The "paid family leave" is covered by Prudential (like disability insurance) and not through the company directly. Prudential will only offer coverage for family leave in states where there is a legal requirement - and despite the fact that Morgan WORKS for a California company, because we live in North Carolina where there is no legal paternity leave requirement there is no coverage.

Therefore he does not get any time off surrounding the birth of our child. He can maybe take unpaid or sick days while I am in the hospital but that is it.

Okay. Obviously this is a bullshit situation. But we are looking at the bright side. He works from home, doesn't need to be in the field teaching until 2/15/10 and has been in a really good work grove lately. For all of those reasons we believe that we will be just fine. His work may happen at 5 am or 10 pm, depending on when the new baby routine allows him to focus, but we'll get it all done.

The "bonding" will still happen because of our situation and that is all that matters. The principle pisses me off - but no point in carrying around that negativity - it doesn't help anyone.

Still Waiting ...

2010-01-17T17:57:00.003-05:00

At long last I think I might have let go of the obsessive urgency to go into labor.

I have a bad cold and don't feel well ~ although for this weekend my complaints are not pregnancy related but good old fashioned cold related. Being pregnant doesn't seem to be that bad in comparison to my new symptoms AND more importantly I really want to get well before I go into labor. If I go into labor before I get well there is not much I can do about it and I just have to trust that we will make it through. However, got willing a couple more days will do the trick.

Morgan has been amazing, and while I feel terribly guilty about being a bit needy and under the weather he has taken care of my every need - including talking to the doctor today about what over the counter meds I can use for relief, running to the drug store, making a steady supply of hot tea and any other thing I could possibly want.

My mind is also totally GONE. I could not even remember who won a football game I watched yesterday this morning.

The final countdown! It's driving me INSANE.

2010-01-13T16:55:00.002-05:00

Okay, really, 7 more days? I don't know if I can stand it. I keep reminding myself it is good for the baby to stay in until term - - - best for the baby, best for the baby, best for the baby. We just want to meet the baby!

We have packed, repacked, added items, and packed again.

Every time I sigh, grown or make another noise when standing or moving around Morgan jumps into position, stopwatch in hand, in case labor has started. (There are a lot of noises along these lines once you hit 37 plus weeks - everything just hurts, I think) It is pretty much the cutest thing in the WORLD that he is so ready and attentive, but there seems to be a series of letdown expressions when I have to confess that I am not in labor, just struggling to move that is breaking my heart!

That being said I have had a couple of intense Braxton-Hicks contractions ... but, according to the exam yesterday, I continue to be effaced and soft, but not dilated. Following my appointment I went to get a massage and had all of my labor points worked like crazy with the hope that something would happen - but nothing yet. She did work a crazy point on my chin which is apparently aligned directly with my cervix which seemed very powerful.

I waddle, hurt and need food and sleep all the time. The cold air/central heat combo has created and intense sinus pressure that is causing a weird ear/nose/throat grossness that I hate. I've gained a whopping 17 pounds in pregnancy, all in the last 6 weeks, and I really feel it. And I have pretty much regressed into complaining a lot (as I am sure you can all tell). And I feel guilty about that.

Mainly I want to meet Thriller. What will he/she look like? Will he/she have the Vickery webbed toe? Will he/she sleep well? I want to know! I don't have the need to know the sex or even have a name - just to hold the baby and look into its eyes. It is all I want in the world at the moment.

Bradley Class 10

2010-01-12T20:28:00.003-05:00

This was an awesome class! We reviewed the second stage of labor and had an experienced doula come and show us tricks for massage and how to use a REBOZO - which I think is going to be a MAJOR BONUS in labor. The rebozo is a Birthing Shawl/Sling/Burial Cloth for women to use from Mexico. In labor it is wrapped around the mom like a hammock and she can lean into it, taking the weight off of her and let her coach/husband/doula rock her hips back and forth. It can also be wrapped around the belly and head for other relief. The doula used me (and my big Thriller belly) to demonstrate how to use the rebozo and then we all practiced with twin sheets - as we might not all be able to order the rebozos from Mexico. Morgan's immediate thought was, of course, that we needed to find an authentic store that carries various cultural trinkets like the rebozo in town and buy our own handmade shawl from Mexico to cherish and use in the future (would also be a good sling as I don't have one yet). This attitude is hands down one of the things I love the most about my husband. Unfortunately we have yet to identify such a store and will likely be using the twin sheet at the hospital which will work just fine.

We also practiced on the birthing ball, used rice socks and tennis balls for counter pressure and learned various massage techniques. Morgan learned lots and I am sure will remember it all.

We had a couple join us who are about to have their second child and were just popping in for a refresher on Bradley and they were great to meet and hear positive stories from. She was induced with pitocin but did not use any drugs and said it really wasn't that bad - but she didn't have anything to compare it too. Great attitude.

All and all a wonderful and practical class with lots of good tips on what we need to do! I had a contraction in the middle of the class and am not sure that I am going to make it to next week - Thriller could be joining us anytime now. Come on Thriller!

Doctor Doctor!

2010-01-08T10:33:00.004-05:00

Yesterday morning I woke up with a cramping sensation at the top of my ribcage and got a little excited and confused, as I expected such a sensation to happen much lower in my abdomen. When Morgan came home from a morning appointment we had to remind ourselves that if I was, in fact, showing signs of pre-labor that it could go on for weeks before anything major happened. Luckily we had an appointment with Triangle OBGYN at 1:50 so we knew we could get a clear answer.

The philosophy at Triangle is not to start checking you via vaginal exams until 39 weeks (unlike some doctors who start checking you weekly at 36 weeks). I agree wholeheartedly with this standard of care and having as few vaginal exams as possible for many reasons. However, yesterday due to my cramping the Dr. Grana did check me and I have to admit that I liked the feedback of knowing where I am in the process. She was very gentle and I did not feel like I was at any risk of ruptured membranes, etc which helped too. (I was actually expecting the exam to be much more uncomfortable than it was - but I think that it was a woman, Morgan was there and more importantly that we have been doing the perineal massage helped!)

Anyway, drum roll please, I am not dilated at all but my cervix is thinning and the baby is starting move move down in station. These are the perfect signs for 38 weeks! On one hand I have been anxiously expecting to have the baby a little early as so many of my first time mom friends have had that experience in the past year or so - but on the other hand I know that it is best for Thriller to stay inside me until he/she reaches term.

This is all well and good as my mother is snowed in and there is no way she could be here for the next week - which would be very sad! Maybe in addition to being warm inside Thriller knows he/she needs to wait for the artic storm to pass throguh the south so he/she can meet Grandmama.

Next week I'll be getting a massage that hits on some inducement points and I have started taking Evening Primrose on the advice of one of our midwifes to help make sure I don't go over term. Triangle will let me go 10 days (maybe a couple more) over 40 weeks - but I really hope we don't have to get to that point. (a) Thriller will be massive as he/she keeps gaining about a pound a week and (b) induction/intervention is definitely not in line with natural birthing.

In other Thriller news - there has been a lot of movement! The baby was all on my left side, head down, rear up (just the way they need to be!) but on Monday night he/she flipped over - so now they are still head down, rear up, but cradled on my right side. Thriller is so big that I could see this drastic movement (not to mention FEEL) through several layers of clothes and Morgan's XXL Carhartt hoodie (which is my current clothing option of preference). Crazy. Yesterday we went for a walk around Lake Johnson after the doctor's appt and I experienced 2 Braxton-Hicks contractions from the walk - they were about 14 minutes apart - so my body is getting ready! Hooray!

Human Kidness

2010-01-06T11:13:00.003-05:00

When Morgan and I moved to California I remember that I was very frustrated by the fact that people would not look at you when you passed them on the street or sat by them on the bus in San Francisco. There was a sudden cultural element of being on your own that caught me off guard. As we developed amazing friendships in California a network of support grew that helped me move past feeling alone and we continue to be supported by that network today - even from afar. We are very blessed.

Moving back to the southeast and being pregnant has, however, reacquainted me with not only the kindness of family and friends, but also that of strangers. I know I am 9 months pregnant so people are just being more helpful at the grocery store, etc - but really, I am feeling very blessed. Family has spent countless hours and resources helping us move in and sharing resources to make our home, friends have traveled from far and wide to come and visit, we have nearly everything we need from gifts to be ready for the baby ... the list goes on!

Most notably I have been taken in by a local prenatal massage therapist. I went to her before the holidays for what would be my one budgeted massage and she felt like i was in such bad shape that she insisted that I come back yesterday, free of charge, because she would worry about me. I cannot in any way shape or form afford to continue this tradition, but she keeps insisting that I come back so I am scheduled for next week and she had offered to help us in labor if we need it (if the baby is OP we'll be taking her up on that for sure!) I am just blown away by her compassion and really very grateful as I was, in fact, suffering and her support is making a tremendous difference.

I like to think of myself as a good person, but I do think that city living made me a little self interested. I am currently feeling so blessed - it honestly makes me want to be a better person - and more importantly show Thriller how to be a better person early on.

Thank you family, friends and strangers for bringing such kindness back into focus in our lives!

Bradley Classes 8 & 9

2010-01-05T21:17:00.007-05:00

Monday night touched on some very interesting topics concerning the postpartum experience as well as providing advanced review of the first phase of labor.

I was not thrilled to learn that the bleeding after a vaginal birth can last for up to 6 weeks - it just caught me totally off guard. Additionally, we learned about the blood clots - apparently if they come out of me at the size of a plum or smaller it is cool, but larger than a lemon need to call the doctor. My question is what kind of plum or lemon are we talking about here? There are many lemons that are equal in size to plumbs ... right? We saw some pictures of the clots and it freaked me out a bit - but I do feel much better prepared having had the experience and class.

(Moreover, I am not totally stoked on the reintroduction of Maxi Pads into my life. It has been a long, long time. Ladies, I know you understand.)

The most important postpartum lesson we learned was not to over do it in the weeks following the birth. I know that is going to be a challenge for me as I always have so much that I want to do, and apparently I have a type A personality where I like things done my way (who knew?) - my friend Lindsay just had a baby and she advised that she pushed it a little too hard at first and really had to step back. Hopefully I can take this advice and take care of myself and Thriller. I know we will have help from our family in the first few days, and I am honestly the most excited about having Phil (my brother in law) around to help because he will come to the table with nothing other than the intention of trying to make things easy and happy with us and no preconceived notions on how we should be doing things. Its funny how that works out, I want him to come like the minute I start having contractions which I never honestly would have thought was what I wanted. We are working out a list of other things we will need help with to share with our moms when the time is right and Morgan's Uncle Ken and Aunt Mary Lou, who are local, are primed and ready to be on call as needed, as well as our dear friends Chrissie and Graham who actually have way more baby experience than we do as they have nieces and nephews. Not to mention countless remote support systems of friends and most notably Morgan's Aunt Carol who knows all things baby and has already been an amazing resource and advocate for us. We are pretty lucky I believe.

All I have to do is let go and let all these people help us. Say a little prayer to help me get there :)

Review of the first phase of labor was awesome because Morgan missed the introduction in class 5. I think we are totally ready. I'm a little spent from the holidays and having company, etc - and have a bit of a list to get through. So, in a perfect world I'd like Thriller to give me about another week to get ready and rested. Will see :)

Before the holidays we had a realistic and disturbing Bradley Class 8 - we learned about the c-section. I don't want one, but if I need it what can you do? I was, however, disturbed by the video of a live c-section and to learn that they take your uterus OUT of your body and clean it and then reinsert it after the baby is born. AH! Hopefully we won't have to cross that bridge, although I am reassured to know that my OB is an old Deadhead, so IF we have to go into the OR at least we might be able to have some good tunes to keep us mellow.

New Years Eve 2009

2010-01-01T21:01:00.005-05:00

Last night we celebrated the end of a very positive and change filled 2009 and rang in 2010 in downtown Raleigh with Chrissie and Graham. It was fabulous, complete with a yummy meal at the Raleigh Times (I had chocolate cake in lieu of cocktails), a great view from the Clarion hotel, the downtown "acorn drop" followed by spectacular fireworks and much more. It was awesome to see Raleigh put on such a fun celebration and so many people out and about to celebrate.

Granted, I can't remember the last time I was sober on New Years Eve - it didn't really bother me at all. I still had a great time! Today, however, I am totally exhausted and have accomplished nothing productive.

Hopefully Thriller knows that when midnight hit we were celebrating 2010 as his/her year! Can't wait for something to happen in the next 3 weeks so we can finally meet Thriller!

Christmas Holiday 2009

2010-01-01T20:28:00.014-05:00

Strepococcus Agalactiae - Group B Strep - GBS

2009-12-30T12:29:00.002-05:00

In the world of information and modern medicine you would think that women and men everywhere would know about Group B Strep and its effect on pregnant women - more importantly its effect on delivery. But alas, this symptomless bacteria goes unmentioned in women's health education until you become pregnant. Then you start picking up on clues - mentions of what to expect in doctors visits, pregnancy books, childbirth education classes.

Today I know that 43% of women carry GBS in their vagina and/or anus. The bacteria is different than Strep Throat. It is not an STD or otherwise a transmittable bacteria - it is just something you pick up along the way that is consistently becoming more prevalent, or at least awareness has increased, in our society. For example, books published 10 years ago state that 1 in 4 women have it whereas yesterday I learned that the most current statistic is 43% of women carry it. And yes, I also learned that I have Group B Strep growing in my vagina.

It sounds terrible and gross, right? Actually not really gross? It is symptomless unless you have certain autoimmune diseases or are getting chemo - then it might become a problem in the everyday life of a woman.

But when you are having a baby it becomes a big damn deal, and so it should. The knowledge of GBS has identified the cause of many health problems with newborns, such as fever, breathing problems, seizures, limpness/stiffness, heart rate and blood pressure abnormalities, poor feeding, sepsis, pneumonia, meningitis and sometimes death.

So what does this mean?

Between 35 and 37 weeks you get tested for group B strep. They don't do it earlier because it is so easy to catch that they need to check at the very end. If you have it then you have to get an IV of antibiotics every 4 hours for approx 20 minutes throughout your labor. The bacteria grows so fast that they have to keep giving you antibiotics - but at least they no longer make you be on an IV the whole time. As a result, I now have to have a needle in my arm, something that we had hoped to avoid. This also means we have to go to the hospital a little earlier (we were going to wait until contractions were 3 minutes apart but now we have to do 5 minutes apart) and we have to stay in the hospital for approx 2 days so that the baby can be monitored to be sure they don't develop any complications from the bacteria. We had hoped to leave the hospital much earlier, but alas we will be there for a couple of days now to make sure Thriller is okay.

In Bradley they continuously tell you that Healthy Moms Have More Options - which is true - and now my options are limited by a bacteria that I did nothing to contract and didn't even know existed prior to being pregnant. In reality we are blessed to know what GBS is, know that I have it, and be in a place in the world where we can take preventative measures to protect Thriller from it. But I feel dirty and like I am already doing something that puts my child at risk so I feel terribly guilty too! I can only come to the conclusion that these feelings are the result of a lack of information about GBS. I think we should talk about it more and be more educated about the bacteria as a society rather than slipping it in like a dirty little secret that puts your unborn child at risk when you are pregnant.

I have to get over my disappointment in the diagnosis and move on - and likely this is a good exercise for me to go through prior to delivery as I am sure there will be other bumps in the road that deviate from our ideal birth plan. Needles, early admission, later discharge. Not that big of a deal, I can still move around, get in the tub, and generally do everything just as we have planned. And we have information to protect Thriller. That is what is most important.

Parent's Right to Choose?

2009-12-18T15:08:00.010-05:00

(Preface: As I start to frame this blog entry in my mind, I KNOW that as compared to other countries around the world Morgan and I are extremely blessed in the technology and wide range of birthing options available to us in the United States. I just want to put that out there before I express my frustrations.)

I thought I was keenly aware of regulation of my body. I grew up in a pro-choice home, have an undergraduate concentration in Women's Studies and am very well versed on the history of regulation of women's bodies and sexuality by laws and social norms around the world. All of this background did not, however, prepare me for the laws, hospital regulations and variations of standards of care surrounding the birth process and having a child.

Over the course of my pregnancy I have lived in California, Virginia and North Carolina (where we are settled). We have been planning a natural childbirth from the start, but finding the location for our birth has presented complications along the way.

If we were still in California, I would be having a water birth at home with a midwife. There it is legal and our insurance would have covered the entire cost (which would have been much less for them, like a total of $3,000). As the home birth midwifes in California are legally admissible to the hospital, if there were complications my midwife would go with me and continue to be my primary care provider. Additionally, as midwifes are legally licensed in California they bring oxygen tanks, pitocin for the afterbirth, general anesthesia for repair and other necessary items into your home to provide the same medical care you would get in the hospital.

In Virginia I was introduced to the reality that in some states there are two kinds of midwifes, those who do home births, who are not admissible to the hospital, and those who do hospital births. In the hospital birth scenario the midwife does not give you the individualized care of a traditional midwife-patient relationship, but rather operates with multiple patients at a time, providing quick and unpersonalized care (I am sure there are some exceptions here, but generally this is the case).

Even after exposure to Virginia, I mistakenly assumed that North Carolina would be one of the liberal states and that I would have the same options as I did in California for birthing location. (Note that the states have an approx 50/50 split regarding home birth and midwife legality.) Our first choice was the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill. This birthing center provided the safety of being in a "facility" which we felt was an important concession to make to our parents, and also provided a place where I could have a water birth which was my top choice for birthing method. My mother in law said early on that I should consider the fact that the success rate at the Birth Center is contingent on the fact that they only accept a very specific group of patients with low risks. I didn't want to listen, and assumed that I would be low risk - no problems, low blood pressure, no reasons for concern - but alas, when I finally got around to submitting my records they did not accept me as a patient because my BMI was too high for their guidelines. Please note that they never even examined me! I cannot even tell you how it felt to be told that I was too fat to have Thriller there. I was devastated.

At this point I was hitting 6 1/2 months pregnant, moving to a new town, no contacts, and no clue what to do. I cried a lot - and Morgan got online and started researching options. Home birth had been our initial choice, and in the absence of the birthing center, seemed like our best option. Additionally, we really wanted a water birth and hospitals in North Carolina will not let you have a water birth! You can labor in the tub but not have the baby in it.

Little did we know that we are now living in one of the most conservative states regulating home birth! It is not illegal for us to have a baby at home, but it is illegal for any medical provider to attend the home birth. There is an underground group of providers that will help you, but their names are not disclosed and if you go to the hospital not only will they not be admitted, but you can also not disclose who was there without exposing them to loosing their license or arrest! We have the SAME INSURANCE as we had in California, but given the laws in North Carolina we would have to pay out of pocket for the home birth. Not to mention that any provider who would attend the birth would not have insurance. Additionally, I am just not comfortable with an underground midwife bringing pharmaceutical supplies and drugs into my home. I don't think it should be illegal for her to have them or administer them - but when it comes to the birth of my child, I want to make sure that the best legal alternatives are around.

Assuming risk by employing civil disobedience, despite my liberalism, is not appropriate when it comes to having a baby.

Luckily my Bradley instructor made a great recommendation for Triangle OBGYN (doctor/midwife practice, very natural birth friendly) and Wake Med Cary (10 minutes away from our house, also very natural birth friendly) - and generally I am happy. The parents are happy and I do not feel like I need to go into the birth with my defenses up.

Despite the fact that I have found a good doctor/midwife practice and am having Thriller in a very progressive hospital I still find my mind wandering back to extreme frustration! It is my body and Morgan and I's child growing inside of it! Shouldn't we be in charge of how it comes into the world? It is SO MUCH safer to bring home birth above ground where it can be legal than have it occur behind closed doors with a hush hush attitude.

Here are some other ways my body and Thriller have been regulated thus far, I'm sure there are more to come:

Testing:

Simply being pregnant and receiving medical care opens me up to having legally required testing for transmittable diseases at the beginning and at the end of my pregnancy. Is there good reason for this, of course! If I have HIV they must know. If I contract HIV they must know prior to delivery as a c-section is required to protect the child. Moms may sleep around, fathers do cheat, etc - But nonetheless I am subject to body regulation without any choice.

But here is the kicker - they test me for every STD in the book prior to delivery but still the law requires that Thriller get an eye ointment to prevent blindness in case I have gonorrhea after birth. Doesn't it make MORE since to not do an unnecessary procedure and preserve the resource if they already know I don't have it? Really?

Alcohol & Drugs:

If I disclosed to my doctor that I was still drinking, or simply said I had ever smoked pot or used illegal street drugs, I would be subjected to routine drug testing, the law there applies to the doctor's responsibility, but it is still my body! In some cases women are even forced to meet with a probation officer and counselor like someone on parole! All this does is make it so women cannot trust their doctors and will not disclose their history to them, which is a real shame. This is not to say that an active drug user should not be subject to testing and counseling - but to be routinely tested after simply saying something like "I smoked pot in college" is a gross over extension of concern.

Vaccinations:

Vaccinations bring up a whole other debate. I have never felt so pressured or truly controlled and violated as I did the day I received my H1N1 vaccine. Was it the safe thing for me to do? Probably. But the CDC issued a statement that said ALL DOCTORS had to advise me to do it, binding their liability, and I honestly do not know that I will ever feel that I had a chance at getting the complete picture. Not to mention that both my mother and mother in law were extremely clear in their belief that I should get the vaccine which added genuine, loving pressure.

And then their are the concerns for the child's vaccines. Again, the CDC presents a schedule and the doctors have a liability issue if they do not follow it. I don't honestly have a problem with vaccines but I do have a problem with the set schedule and doctors who will not modify it based on the patent's (aka MY CHILD'S) needs. And, in some states, I have a serious problem with the addition of vaccines to the schedule.

I know that state and federal regulations governing pregnant women and children were put into place to protect the child. I know that extreme negligence and risky behavior endangers children and we (the collective society) need to protect them from their parents sometimes. But where is the line?

I believe that our society would benefit MORE from having parent education classes and giving parents the right to choose what is best for their birth plan and child. By taking the responsibility away from the parents and letting the state dictate regulation to protect the child from the moment pregnancy is realized we have taken away an integral part of preparing to be a parent.

I had a dear friend say to me last weekend that she had no idea that she had options, she thought you just went and did what the doctor told you to do. This prevalent understanding of your role in medical care in birthing in our society is so damaging to the parents! Have some ownership! Be an active participant! This is YOUR CHILD! Even if you choose to elect a c-section, take all the drugs offered, etc - OWN IT. Educate yourself and your partner to make smart decisions.

Morgan and I are obviously on the educated side, and as it is our nature, we question state regulations. I hope that we make good educated decisions for our child, and believe that we have in choosing health care providers and in constructing our birth plan thus far. I also hope that we can legally have our next child at home and have freedom to choose what is best for us and our family.

Bradley Class 7

2009-12-16T11:51:00.004-05:00

I have to say that I feel particularly lucky to have a Bradley instructor who is dedicated to presenting a fair, complete picture of the birth process. I know the course has a reputation of having instructors who are very harsh about the expectation of natural childbirth. In this weeks class we went down the list of procedures, drugs, choices, etc so that we can write our birth plan. It was a culmination of lots of the little bits of information we have gathered so far.

Laura suggested that we start off by loosing the idea of a "birth plan" because there is no way to plan your birth. Rather than we entitle the document "birth preferences" and really get it into our head that that is all it is - preferences. What we can do is be educated about our options to ask the right questions should we need intervention, etc and know what our preferences are. Otherwise you are pretty much setting yourself up for a feeling of disappointment or failure if you deviate from your plan - which will almost certainly happen.

I have been waiting to get my B-Strep test next week before writing my "birth plan" as it will make a significant difference in when we go to the hospital, if I need and IV port, and how long we have to stay. But now that I am thinking about it, maybe I'll go ahead and draft my "birth preferences" knowing that it might change.

Morgan and I were also charged with getting packed for the hospital in the next week or so! By the time I hit 36 weeks our instructor suggests that we should be ready to go! We have a checklist and I am SO NOT ready to go based on its recommendations. I'm still trying to think of a way to sneak Cooper into the hospital - probably not the most realistic thing for me to be focusing on :)

Thriller Shower

2009-12-13T12:56:00.020-05:00

Yesterday we had the most wonderful baby shower and housewarming party thanks to the best friends in the world. Our house filled up early with family and friends, homemade chili, sweet delights, cocktails and toasts! It was wonderful and we are very blessed to have had such a day!

Ophelia's Adventure with Thriller

2009-12-10T17:06:00.003-05:00

I just had the most amazing experience. I know I talk a lot about Cooper and he may have an unfair favorite pet reputation - but that is only because our sweet kitty is so shy, and moments with her are sweet and often still, which is how she likes it.

Ophelia was slightly traumatized by the move but has settled into our new house nicely. She sleeps beside me every night and is clearly aware that I am expecting. However, I has no idea how interested she was until a few minutes ago.

I took a shower, wrapped myself up in a towel and then laid down on the bed for a few moments off of my feet, a slight space existing between by belly and the body pillow. Ophelia crept into the slight space, and ever so gently (without any nails) started slightly feeling around on my belly. She used her paws to apply the slightest pressure until she found a spot where Thriller was moving and then followed the movement around with her paws (still without any nails) all over my belly. After the little adventure was done, she curled up headfirst to have her head right next to where the last movement was a purred at my belly.

WOW. Animals never cease to amaze me. Looks like our little kitty is getting excited too!

Bradley Class 6

2009-12-10T14:41:00.001-05:00

Transition > Pushing > Baby in Arms

In this weeks class we discussed transition and the second stage of labor. I must admit that I was surprised to learn about the drastic changes in body temperature and mood that occur in the transition phase. Also, transition is the phase where women most often give into pain medication - which is arguably too bad because you are so close! I haven't been there so I don't know ... but we have some pointers to get me through without caving into the epidural.

Ask for an IV of fluid (assuming you are not already on one), take the whole IV and get checked BEFORE asking for the epidural. The IV can speed things along significantly and get you through the scary phase without caving into the drugs.
Relaxation techniques: Needs will have totally changed from the first phase of labor, coach will need to remember that he needs to adjust.
Remember: More often than not, transition only lasts 30 minutes - Anyone can do 30 minutes!

I was also surprised to learn that I should actually listen to the coaching from the nurses, doctor and/or midwife when pushing to prevent tearing. I don't know why this caught me off guard ... I guess I just assumed that they were looking out for the baby and if you were going to tear you just tore. I have read a lot about the perineum and know that working with (not against) its elasticity will prevent tearing in birth - but it just didn't occur to me that someone from the outside might be able to help me strategize during pushing. It is VERY good to know as I might have just had the screw you I'm doing what my body is telling me to do attitude otherwise.

The inevitable POOP: I was already prepared for the reality of pooping when pushing from reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Luckily Morgan read this too and we had already joked about it. Also, luckily, we do not have a relationship where discussion or the reality of such things is considered taboo. In class this week the reality of the POOP was discussed - and it seems most of my classmates are also going to be able to face this fact. I have had friends who were so mortified by the POOP that they got down to the wire and wouldn't push due to the fear of their husbands knowing or seeing such a terrible thing.

Let me be clear, I'm not excited about this being a part of the birth process, but it is what it is. And it gets taken care of immediately by the staff who are caring for you. And hopefully Morgan will never know - and if he does I know he'll love me anyway and never bring it up. So if you are reading this and POOP is taboo in your life, I recommend facing it now! Besides, POOP will be even more of a reality in our lives after Thriller comes I am sure.

RING OF FIRE: Apparently right before the baby comes you become so hot that you literally will feel like you need to back up off of a heat source at the birth canal. This is often referred to as the "Ring of Fire" and the best way to get through it is to just remember - you're moments away from having your baby in your arms!

I like that part the most. Can't go through the pain, can't go around it - but just go through the ring of fire and meet your child. I think I can handle that!

My Big Baby

2009-12-08T15:46:00.002-05:00

As I started off pregnancy on the heavy side, then lost 13-18 pounds in the first trimester due to extreme morning sickness coupled with migraines. I have slowly floated along my pregnancy boasting gleefully that my hips are slimmer. Well, the good news is that my hips are still slimmer.

In my last doctor's appointment I finally gained my first pound, and was honestly a bit relieved to know that the baby was getting bigger. At that appointment Dr. V suggested that I was measuring a little big, but did not seem terribly concerned.

However, in the past two weeks I have put on an additional 4 pounds and am measuring 37 cn - which is where I should be measuring at 37 weeks - meaning that our little Thriller isn't so little! I would like to think that he/she has just had a growth spurt and will balance back out to be within the average size range. Morgan, on the other hand, believes I should not put so much faith into what is considered "average." He is probably right as neither of us is anything like average!

I am also sure that in the past two weeks I have gone through major physical changes. It is much harder for me to get up, I am extremely uncomfortable when sitting down, I can't sleep for longer than 3 hours at a time, bending over is no longer really an option and I have an insatiable thirst for water. What is going to happen as I get bigger? Geez!

Due to the increased size, I am going to have ANOTHER ultrasound on 12/22. This will be my 4th one and I am honestly not very excited about having it due to the concerns about over exposure to the process. At UCSF they clearly told us they were researching and publishing why it is important to have as few ultrasounds as possible and suggested you should have 2 at most unless you are considered high risk. I don't think the fact that Morgan and I made a big baby should come as any surprise to anyone, and I don't think that it makes me high risk - especially considering that everything has been totally normal thus far. But alas we are slaves to the medical profession - we should have the ultrasound in case there is XXX which could mean complications YYY. I like Triangle OBGYN and trust them - I don't think they are just trying to make a buck off of me at Thriller's potential expense - so fingers crossed we don't have any Xs or Ys in a couple of weeks.

At least Morgan will get to come to this one so he'll get another visual. There is the silver lining.

Jane comes to visit!

2009-12-06T13:58:00.009-05:00

The nursery is really starting to take shape! I wish I could take any credit, but alas my inexperience with these sorts of things rendered me unable to even consider creative sticker murals as a way to liven up the room given Morgan's moratorium on painting.

Enter Jane Sneed: Oldest friend in the world, mother of two, and regular decorator and re-decorator. Jane is one of those girls who always has images of how to make things look better in the back of her mind - and she worked some serious magic in Thriller's room. We now have trees, owls, squirrels (much to Cooper's dismay), frogs, turtles, bluebirds and bears - creating a warm and perfect little themed (but not over themed!) room.

In addition to Jane's decorating skills, she also re-introduced me to Babys R Us. While I have no intention of making this a regular shopping spot - it was MUCH better to go to the store with an experienced mom who could explain things and help make some since of it all. And that is where they had the super cute wall stickers!

I was treated, treated, and treated again over her stay and learned volumes of practical mom knowledge.

Thank you Jane!

Cooper:The Ultimate Protector

2009-12-02T22:56:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned throughout the blog that Cooper has been very attentive throughout my pregnancy - I still think he was the first to know that I was expecting. He is especially protective when strangers approach me. Since we have been in Raleigh there has been a lot of rain - causing southern storms unlike those we experienced in California. Today has been one of those stormy, windy rainy days.

Cooper has not only refused to leave my side throughout the storms, but today he has taken it to another level. This morning I woke up to find his paws tucked under my ever increasing belly. As the winds have gotten stronger so has his devotion. Not only does he feel the need to be right next to me but whenever possible he puts himself right next to my belly. He seems totally drawn to touch it and I know that Thriller has been kicking (or punching or elbowing) in areas where Cooper has been resting his head and he has to be able to feel it.

I can't wait to see Cooper greet Thriller! I might have to buy a video camera to document the occasion.

Nursery Progress

2009-12-01T20:01:00.006-05:00

About 1/4 of the very blue nursery is filled with the few remaining boxes we need to unpack. The rest is full of our recently assembled baby furniture! YAY! Morgan and I spent much of Sunday setting up the crib (which was pretty easy) and the dresser (which was much more challenging!) and today I finished the job by putting together the changing table. Whew. Nesting has taken hold!

We have been all over the place on getting the nursery furniture together - from looking at high end designers to mass producers (Pottery Barn, Land of Nod, etc) to local craftsmen to hand me downs. I was feeling a lot of pressure to get the main parts of the room together and my mom came through and ordered our set right when the immediate nesting need took hold. We decided to go with the DaVinci line, which is constructed of sustainably harvested wood from New Zealand and has a nontoxic finish (higher standards for nontoxic than just what is required by law). However, it did come in a lot of packaging material! So I am not sure that our good intentions totally counteracted our carbon footprint on this one - but we did the best we could. And truly, I couldn't be happier with the look and feel of the room ... and look forward to finishing the room over the next week or so!

Cooper is feeling a little neglected while I am distracted! Tomorrow may have to be Cooper day to make up for all my other activities.

Bradley Class 5

2009-12-01T18:56:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to our Bradley class solo, as Morgan is back in California for work. It will be his last work trip for some time, at least until a month after the birth and I am really secretly hoping for April. He is of course following it up with a trip to the Sierras for the weekend, where God willing there will be some snow for him to work out a little of his ski itch.

Back to Bradley. It was the best class yet! At least the most informative as we actually started talking about labor and what we (mom and coach) will need to do up until transition. Not the best class for Morgan to miss - but Laura, our instructor, gave us a DVD for him to watch and I took serious notes - which were of course typed up and emailed to him earlier today - with all the most important parts in bold.

As I am not a scientific person, much of what we learned yesterday that was most interesting to me was about "effacement" - I am now certain that the uterus is the most amazing organ in the body. Muscle literally moves from the front where it is protecting the baby to the back of the uterus to give your more strength to the baby out. Amazing. Wow. Body is amazing. This information, as well as a very visual images of my cervix dilating to 10 cm (about the size of a grocery store bagel) are going to help me tremendously in labor. While I am not a scientific person, I am very visual and I know focusing on images of what is happening inside me will help me get through the contractions.

We also learned about the 3-2-1 rule, which suggests that unless we have an accelerated progression, we wait until the contractions are 3 minutes apart, lasting at least 1 minute for at least 2 hours before going to the hospital. I think this will be key to my stamina - to stay at home as long as possible. While I was initially disappointed with the fact that we are not going to be in a birthing center, the close proximity to the hospital (10 minutes tops) does allow us a lot of freedom in this regard. Fantastic.

My confidence that we are going to be able to birth Thriller is growing by the day - and more importantly by the class. I am certain that by the time its TIME we will be able to be an educated, effective team in the delivery room. And baring any major unforeseen complications - I am certain with can bring this child into the world without drugs.

November

2009-11-30T16:56:00.008-05:00

November has been a slow month for Mom and Thriller. We've been putting the house together (slowly) and relishing the moments when Morgan has been in town. We went to Vienna to have Thanksgiving with Morgan's family and had an amazing feast! While there we also went to Four Sun's Farm (where Morgan and I were married) as well as taking a Ray Vickery tour of historical sites and wineries around Fauquier County, Virginia.

59 days and counting ... Bradley Class No 4

2009-11-23T22:45:00.002-05:00

Wow. It is 58 days until my due date. Almost all of my friends have delivered early, so I hope to be ready by Christmas! I am getting VERY anxious about being prepared.

Tonight Morgan and I went to the 4th Bradley class in our series. This weeks session was entitled "The Coach's Role" and we were very excited about the material as it was mainly geared towards Morgan.

Part of the coach's role is to be an educated participant in making decisions in the moment about medications and procedures.

I have to admit, that while I have been certain that I wanted to go natural since the beginning, I have even more resolve after tonight's class. We talked a lot about Analgesia (opium based narcotics) and Anesthesia (epidurals - which are cocaine based).

I was already sure that even in the worst case scenario we would opt out of the narcotics. However, I did not know that the narcotics are most likely to cause respiratory problems in the baby, which in turn means that it is taken away for observation until the breathing settles and you do not get to nurse or hold the baby, that they have to give the baby narcan (spelling? something like that) which is an anti-narcotic used to bring drug addicts back to consciousness to make the baby alert - NOR did I know, more importantly (almost, it is all pretty important) that it takes 2 WEEKS for the narcotics to get out of the baby's system. Not the way we are going to bring Thriller into the world ... even if I have to have a C-section I am opting out of any narcotics.

However, I have been more conflicted about the epidural. If I needed it, I was going to be open to it. In class, from the doctors, as well as through the stories and experiences of those I love there is no question that there is a place for the epidural in birthing, especially if it can lead to preventing further intervention (which would be very rare, but possible) or if you are having a c-section. I had heard rumors about chronic back pain being a side effect of the epidural, but I was still keeping a pretty open mind with very strong hopes that we made it through all the way without one.

And my new reason for not wanting an epidural or spinal is completely focused on me and preventing pain. Which may sound strange.

Apparently Epidurals and Spinals can cause migraines, and if you are already a migraine sufferer it is most likely that you will have the worst migraine pain of your life. This is because of a change in spinal fluid pressure on your brain stem. Okay people, I've already had what I thought was the worst migraine pain of my life. No way in hell I am doing ANYTHING that will most likely cause me to be in worse migraine pain that I have already experienced. I can't imagine that the most painful constant back labor and/or un-medicated episiotamy could be more painful.

In addition, immediately following the birth I would have to lie on my back to balance out the spinal fluid pressure and potentially the doctors would have to add more fluid back into my spine to get the migraine to stop ... I'm sure there is a more medically correct way to explain all this but this is the gist.

Not only would all of this be incredibly painful, but it would render me completely unable to nurse right away, hold the baby or do any of the things that I want to be able to do right after the baby is born. All of this would prevent me from being able to take the best care of Thriller possible.

My fear of the worst migraine of my life is much for extreme than my fear of labor. If there is a 2% chance it is too high, and it is much higher than 2%. The only way I will have an epidural is if I have a c-section - which god willing won't happen.

We can do this! And I have the best coach in the world.

Dr. V

2009-11-21T09:02:00.003-05:00

Friday was, in the world of a pregnant woman, a very exciting day. I had a doctor's appointment at Triangle OBGYN with Dr. V.

Due to Morgan's travel and work, he hasn't been able to make it to a doctor's appointment since my 20 week appointment, so I was really excited to have him with me to introduce him to the new practice and sort of re-engage him with the process of preparing for Thriller. He met me head on and had a list of as many questions for the doctor as I did.

Triangle offers a nurse midwife delivery as long as the delivery is vaginal and has OBs on call in the event of major intervention, such as a c-section. And, fundamentally, if the midwife has a question or approvals are needed, she has to check in with the doctor.

(Note: OK, this is more of a conservative approach than Morgan and I wanted to take to birthing, but as this is where we are I feel that it is a very good compromise. We found a practice and a hospital that will let us has a natural, midwife delivery and respects the methods we believe in.)

I have met 3 of the midwives, all of which I really liked, but meeting "Dr. V" was a big deal - sort of like meeting the man behind the curtain, and also the man who might have to cut me open if things go that way. Meeting with him gave us a chance to ask the hard questions to the decision maker to be clear about the theory behind the practice and what we can expect in delivery.

Dr. V could not have made a better impression on us.

(SWEET! YES! THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY!)

He is super mellow. He told us to go read up on Ina May. He answered all our questions honestly talking about the best and worst case. And he had actually really reviewed the chart enough to know that Morgan works in solar and know about our travels, etc which I honestly did not expect him to have done.

Induction: Will go 10 days past due date with new mother - really like to avoid induction especially with first time moms.

Early Discharge: No problem, if everyone looks good.

IV Port: Only required if you have B-Strep. However, if you're looking tired at 5 centimeters then its going in so they are ready (reasonable).

Food/Drink During Labor: Anesthesia at the hospital says NO - but if you need to munch under the radar they don't really care as long as you are not preparing for a C-section.

Labor: Tub, Ball, Move Around - whatever works for you. He did say not to be afraid to lie down especially as you go into the 3rd phase to preserve your strength.

Narcotics/Epidural: If it is in your birth plan to go natural, they will not offer, you ask for it.

Intermittent Fetal Heart Monitoring: As long as there are no interventions or irregularities, preferred method.

And many other points .... most importantly he said that he trusts the midwives 100% and clearly thinks of them as equals as medical professionals. That seriously made a positive impression on me!

His obvious intelligence coupled with his very honest and mellow attitude made me feel so secure.

Some people might want someone who seems very engaged or enthusiastic and been turned off by Dr. V. Not me. Not Morgan. I can't think of anyone I would rather have in charge of taking care of me and Thriller should our natural birth plan not work. (God willing this won't happen!)

Part of what we have learned over the pregnancy is that at lot of unnecessary procedures happen because of overeager doctors (Wolfe may call them "Masters of the Universe") and I am certain that Dr. V is just not that kind of doctor. Whew.

Slow House

2009-11-19T11:26:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I am a slow un-packer. We are slowly acquiring furniture and other items to fill on our house, and honestly it has not be as much fun as it could be without having Morgan here all the time. As he is home all this weekend I hope that we will knock out a lot of the remaining unpacking and do something with the yard. The grass is tall, the leaves have fallen, and the plants need to be cut back. I think I might have to make a trip to Lowe's today to get a rake and some other supplies to make our weekend productive. Of course, I have no idea what to do with the yard - at least Morgan had landscaping experience after college, but I honestly don't think he really has that much of a clue either :)

Anyway. Things are, however, slowly coming together. I knocked out the kitchen the first day - thank GOD. Mom came up and brought more furniture and some family heirlooms to fill in our home as well as treating us to new Italian leather couches, chairs for the living room (which haven't arrived yet), bookcases and among other things.

The bookcases required assembly and I was damned determined to do it on Monday. Putting one together took me 4 hours, several power tools and now the whole neighborhood knows I can have a mouth like a sailor. At least it was sunny and I was outside. Luckily later that afternoon Amy Vaden came into town and the next day she was able to put the second one together in an hour, without the use of power tools until the very end. Apparently I kept stripping the screws because the bit on the drill was the wrong size. Who knew?

I swear I used to be more self sufficient.

Anyway. The bookcases are complete! And the library/music room is almost perfect! We still need to get the guitars on the wall, figure out what wall art we want to go with, and source a nice desk chair as well as a second reading area chair ... so maybe it isn't that complete, but it sure feels a lot more full! And it looks great! Thank you MOM and AMY! So it is the smallest room in the house. Plenty to go. But we'll get there -

It takes time to figure out the best place for everything. And better to take it than rush through the process, don't you think?

I am feeling a little pressure from being 8 weeks out. I would like to have it done by December 10. This is my goal! Wish me luck!

Bradley Class 3 & The Circumcision Decision

2009-11-18T12:06:00.004-05:00

I really enjoyed our Bradley Class on Monday. There are a wide range of topics that we cover in each class, but this is the first class that started to bring people out of there shell a little. We did a foot to head relaxation technique as well as talking a bit about our personal experiences so far. We talked about pregnancy - the physiology of what is happening, etc some. Morgan could identify all of the organs on the diagram in our workbook, which was much better than I did. And then we talked about controversial issues in pregnancy. These included circumcision, b-strep/antibiotics, episiotomy, perineal massage, vaccines, etc.

The only one of these that Morgan and I had not already really figured out what we think/want to do is circumcision. I don't think either of us really knows what to think on this topic. On the one hand, we are the ONLY country in the world that has this debate - other countries (including Canada and all of Europe) ONLY circumcise for religious reasons. Insurance companies do not all necessarily cover the procedure as it is considered cosmetic and has no medical purpose.

But that is how his daddy is. And what all our parents did. So here we are, with all of our forward thinking still trapped by the construct of a social norm that makes us uncomfortable to think about being different.

In the Raleigh area there is a 60/40 split on circumcision vs. no circumcision - a common divide for educated, urban areas. The national average is like 55/45. Rural areas tend to see higher rates of circumcision. There are a lot of myths about why circumcision became the norm as far as the spread of diseases and cleanliness - and there are some truths. The most notable immediate development factor is that circumcised boys experience a drop in appetite and do not eat as much following the procedure for a while due to the trauma.

But this is one of those topics where you can find ANYTHING online to justify WHATEVER you want it to.

The American Medical Association states: All current policy statements from specialty societies and medical organizations do not recommend routine neonatal circumcision, and support the provision of accurate and unbiased information to parents to inform their choice.

Where does one begin? We have to have a plan in case Thriller is a boy.

For me the idea of having my (potential) baby boy taken away in the second day of life and put into a room where they go around snipping baby's foreskins in mass is relatively upsetting. I like the idea of having Morgan go with him so he wouldn't be so alone - but then I think that that would probably be pretty upsetting for Morgan. I have an image of the doctors approaching Thriller and Morgan snatching him off the table and running out of the hospital before the procedure could start - the Vickery men can't even face the idea of fixing their dogs!

And then there are other factors as well. Morgan and I have been hoping to have an early discharge so we can leave the hospital possibly 12-14 hours after delivery. However, if I have drugs, B-Strep or other complications then we have to stay the whole 2 days. If there are no problems and we can leave early then we would leave before it is okay to do the procedure. So then we would have to go to a doctor and do the circumcision in a Bris like fashion in the first week of life.

And then there is the insurance coverage issue...

And then there is the fact that men who are not circumcised experience a greater sensation in their adult lives when doing adult activities. Okay ... I can't really consider Thriller at this level at ALL.

And then there is the feminist prospective ...

I am very impressed that Morgan read through all the material and literature on this topic we were provided and is very thoughtfully considering what is best for Thriller. I think he will continue to do so, which is good because I don't want to look at the pictures of the procedure ever again. The slightest glance was too much for me.

My gut instinct is not to do it. However, it still makes me squeamish to think about either way.

I think Morgan may have to make the call on this one.

The Hallways Inside My Mind

2009-11-15T16:42:00.002-05:00

Everyday in pregnancy has presented new, often juxtaposed, series of experiences ... weather it is an urge to get organized or a desire to do nothing but sleep, insatiable hunger or finding food revolting, energy to walk miles or an inability to consider walking to check the mail ... it always seems new, unexpected and different due to the rapid way my body and needs are changing.

One of the most dramatically different internal emotional dialogues is the back and forth between feeling incredibly lonely or realizing that I am never alone ... little Thriller is with me all the time. The moments of loneliness are accompanied by a sense of loss and confusion whereas the Thriller oriented times have pride, focus and purpose. Unfortunately I haven't gotten those good vibes in a few days.

I am sure that the loneliness is intensified by the fact that my husband has been out of town for weeks for work and I am no longer in San Francisco. But nonetheless I think that there is something more there - some sort of feeling of loss of a part of my life that will never be the same. I guess if you plan a pregnancy and decide it is your time it is a little different because you consciously say that you are ready to move on. And honestly, I have been totally ready to move on for some time. I was feeling a lot of disenchantment and frustration in the often self indulgent nature of our San Francisco lifestyle. That all being said - as I talked to Morgan over the course of this week and he was in San Francisco with all of our dear friends doing all of the things that we love to do I dug myself into a deep dark hole of discontent. I would also like the blame it on the bad weather - maybe the lack of vitamin D can be blamed for my selfishness?

And that is ultimately how I feel, petty and selfish. I have the most amazing thing in the world happening inside of me - I'm growing our child. And there is nothing with greater responsibility or purpose. I know every moment with Thriller will be more wonderful than every night out in my whole life! But I hope that at some point things will calm down and I do get a few more nights or cocoon days with Morgan before the baby comes. Moments that are really ours, our adventure, before the two of us become three. Those moments renew me.

Dance Party with Thriller

2009-11-14T14:55:00.002-05:00

I have been able to feel Thriller move around for a few months now. First there were flutters, then sharper movements, then clearing some pounding or kicking from the inside. As previously mentioned, the baby obviously responds to music (specifically the bass) and I have recently noticed that Thriller also responds and starts moving a lot whenever we are in a setting where lots of people are talking.

But last night, we had a new series of rapid movements while I was being totally boring - watching movies and making giant floor pillows for the nursery (yes, that is right, I went to the fabric store and am hand sewing something). Thriller just started going NUTS at about 1 am. Moving around like crazy - this kid has some rhythm.

My only explanation for the stimulus for this movement is that somehow maybe Thriller knew his daddy was dancing away across the country at a Widespread Panic concert at the Fox Theater in Oakland. I know, its a long shot, but the baby hasn't moved this much since we went to go see Panic in Raleigh ... so I wonder if somehow the inspiration was a connection to Morgan. Is that possible? Probably not, but with as much as Morgan has been traveling these past few weeks, I'd sort of like to think so.

Pediatrician Search

2009-11-13T14:18:00.004-05:00

I have been so focused on finding the right doctors for my prenatal care and delivery in Raleigh, that I honestly had not even thought about the importance of finding a pediatrician. At my first appointment with Triangle OB/GYN they could not stress enough how important it was that I start the interview process immediately and I then learned that in order to registered with the Wake Med Birthing Center I also had to have one lined up! And I was already 10 weeks late registering with Wake Med!

And then I learn that the doctors fill up, only taking so many new patients a year, and as I was so behind it might be hard for me to get into anyone good!

I immediately got a stack of business cards from Triangle and started setting up appointments, asking around and checking out online reviews. I was only told by practices that they were not taking patients so that gave me a place to start. I seriously miss Yelp in San Francisco when it comes to times like these! Although there are some pretty decent local resources with reviews, etc. I scheduled my first interview appointment and then realized that I had NO IDEA what to ask about or look for. Luckily Jane (oldest, dearest friend and mother of 2 ... or is it 5?) called me back immediately and started going over the list of interview questions and things to watch out for as I was driving to the interview.

It is a different experience to be in a new town on a doctor search. When I was a child in Tennessee I think that I went to the only pediatrician in Gatlinburg, or at least the one that everyone we knew went to ... and then when we moved to Alabama I never really established a pediatrician. Quite honestly, I wasn't sure what all the fuss was about.

But then I started paying a little more attention and realized the complexity of the pediatric relationship. We are luckily on a PPO so most of the concerns of many parents do not apply to us directly, but if we were on an HMO it would be very different.

Then things started to click ... such as the fact that we want a doctor owned practice as opposed to a practice owned by a large medical network that has really been created to operate within the HMO system. So then even if you have a PPO you are only referred to their internal HMO specialists etc. Wow. This whole conversation about health care is suddenly effecting my life in a different way. I've been lucky enough since we were married to be able to go to any doctor I wanted and not really needed anything special. But when you are thinking about being able to provide the best health care for your child with OPTIONS it is a whole different story.

I am an avid supporter of Health Care reform and a Public Health Care System (the result of being uninsured most of my life and afraid to go to the doctor due to the cost) and I know things are going to be changing. But for now I have to make decisions based on the existing system.

So there is the canvas where we start our search, and I haven't even added the questions or concerns yet! I generally asked about walk in hours, on call systems, specialties, labs, vaccination schedules, use of antibiotics, developmental testing, alternative treatments, etc. Some of the interviews are done in a group whereas other interviews are individual, depending on the practice.

In my first group interview I felt like such the California mom - really I did. The other mothers to be (all first timers) were on an entirely different page. I was a little bit shocked at the lack of concern about the questions I had vs. "Does it cost extra to call in after hours." (Which of course it does not!) One mother to be looked at me and said "Why wouldn't you want to give your child antibiotics whenever it would make them feel better? If your insurance covers it?" and I just wanted to SCREAM "So they will work when the child actually NEEDS THEM for something that won't heal in two days!" Has this woman not read a single article about antibiotics or watched the news over the past 10-15 years? Really?

Luckily the doctor helped me out quickly and explained that it isn't prudent to get antibiotics for ever ear infection as they usually just take a day longer to heal on their own, etc. Needless to say I immediately started liking this doctor, Dr. Erin Wooten of Oberlin Road Pediatrics.

She continued to answer all of my questions in an educated and genuine manner (and with answers that I agreed with, which always helps!). I think I found the right place and at least plan to start at Oberlin Road.

I wonder what this experience would have been like in a small town? Without 2 medical schools and other various medical facilities in the immediate area? Or if I was in Huntsville, would I have just gone with the doctor that all my friends were using? Would I have known to ask these questions? Would it have mattered? Will health care change so much in the next few years that this interview and research process will have been pointless for Thriller's long term care?

It is a strange and ongoing process, getting ready for a baby. Lots to do, lots to learn.

Getting Ready for Thriller ...

2009-11-12T11:43:00.008-05:00

It is common knowledge that the wedding industry has control of whims and wants of brides to be and their families around the world. I did not know, prior to getting pregnant, that the baby industry is in fact as intense if not worse than the wedding industry! And they have a much more serious value proposition: Buy this OR be a bad parent.

Seriously, it has taken me months of virtual nesting, shopping, reading, talking to friends, etc to even begin to get an idea of what is really needed for a newborn. Everyone has a different impression of what works best for them - and there are SO MANY OPTIONS. Every time Morgan and I came to Raleigh to look for houses or for him to work over the summer I would search for the actual store where I could find some answers! Touch, hold, examine and consider. Online shopping has its merits, but it is just not the same.

I went to Baby's R Us. That was disastrous. I was terrified and totally overwhelmed by how much plastic CRAP you "must have" for your baby. (Note all of the plastic crap can be color or patterned coordinated!) The item that struck me the most was the series of plug in or battery powered vibrating chairs or "bouncers." I was told that if you do not have a vibrating chair, your baby will never sleep. You just must have it. WHAT? I walked out of the store totally convinced that if an item was in Baby's R Us, the baby didn't really need it because it all seemed so gross. This was obviously not true, they have some great items at Baby's R Us that are essential and will benefit your child, and a good online selection - but I just can't ever have a reason to go back into that store. Or on their website. I'm afraid.

I went to several local shops in Raleigh, Huntsville and Madison, searching for some clarity on the situation and was continuously turned off by the rude staff, the prices and the stuff ... just stuff ... where is the utility? The necessity? I want Thriller to have everything he/she needs and could even want - but I needed someplace to start that made sense.

Family, friends, articles, online resources and most recently our Bradley class started to tie things together. Morgan and I decided to go with a quality over quantity approach. Research clearly indicates that having an organic sleeping environment is better for the baby, so that gave us a place to start. Similarly we know that avoiding BPA and or PVC is beneficial for the baby - so we have tried to find feeding and other options that are free of these toxins. There are a LOT of online resources that meet our criteria and I feel that we have become educated baby consumers.

There is an online store that is local to Raleigh, called growgreenbaby.com. Finding this resource was nice because it met our criteria for organics and non-toxic AND is locally based. However, I have still been searching for a local shop - a storefront - where I could talk to a person. Where just maybe I could touch something in my hands to see if it felt right - or if the color was actually what it looked like online.

And alas, yesterday I finally found my spot.

GreenPea Nursery (greenpeanursery.com)

Where have you been all my pregnancy?

I had a staff person listen to me, give me options, show me a selection, let me touch things, talk to me about my needs and how to make solutions in the most cost effective manner. I love this store! NOT ONLY does it have an awesome, educated "green" selection of baby products, tons of information about making the healthiest environment for your child, but they actually also offer SERVICE (something that we know is rare). They are online and in person and I love them.

They do not offer everything I need - and I will still rely on our online resources for a great deal - but I feel so confident in what they do have! And in their answers! It is local, tangible, real, and genuine.

Finally, someplace that makes some sense to this consumer. I guess we all have different wants needs and having so many options has totally changed our retail economy. But I was really beginning to feel like the odd mama to be out here - no place to feel good about getting ready for the baby. I just felt guilty for wanting "stuff" and like the entire industry was trying to trick me. I had no confidence in making the right decisions. But no more!

Thriller's 29 1/2 Week Ultrasound

2009-11-10T22:35:00.002-05:00

Today I went to Duke's specialty OB/GYN consultant office to have a "Level Two" ultrasound. Okay, doesn't that just sound scary?

After 20 weeks you generally do not have another ultrasound. However, Triangle OB/GYN (new doctors and midwives) wanted to follow up on a calcium deposit noted on the baby's heart at 20 weeks. Our doctor in Virginia assured us it would not be an issue and did not see the need for the "Level Two" but my new doctor just wanted to be sure.

I was very nervous going in and was alone. There might be something wrong. Probably not, but there might be ... this mantra was going through my head for the past week.

Luckily the baby looks totally normal. YAY!

The calcium deposit in the heart has dissipated (just like Dr. George said it would).

Thriller is a whopping 2 pounds and 14 oz. Man do we have a way to go! In the next 73 days Thriller will more than double in size (which I think means I will too).

Currently the baby is still turned in the right direction ... fingers crossed that he/she will stay that way.

And, the specialist doctor who came in to meet with me after the ultrasound not only has wonderful things to say about the doctors at Triangle OB/GYN, but the midwives (who he knew by name) too. It made me feel so good to know that they ALL have such positive reputations in the community.

Bradley Classes 1 & 2

2009-11-10T22:15:00.003-05:00

The past two Mondays Morgan and I have headed out to our Bradley classes with notebooks, workbooks, pillows and such in arms ... I love our teacher, and literally everyone at my doctors office says she is the best Bradley teacher in the area. The class is an interesting mix of people and I hope that Morgan and I do find some community there.

The first class was very basic, and we learned exercises, etc. It was good to walk through it all in that setting with Morgan as generally it has just been me reading and telling him about what I should be doing. The main focus at the end of the class was to begin our relaxation exercises so we will be able to use the technique when I am in labor. On Sunday Morgan proved, without a doubt, that he will be able to be calm and master any personal stress to help me relax. We were watching the Redskins play the Falcons for what was a pretty terrible football game and I was sitting on the floor in the "tailor position" (yet another politically correct way of saying "Indian style") and he sat behind me and started going through the relaxation exercise and rubbing my back. He made me so calm and meditative that I didn't even know what was going on in the game. When I opened my eyes I realized that we missed another touchdown and there was a fight on the field, all of which would make Morgan crazy generally, but he overcame it to focus on me. Granted, the birth of our child will be more important than the Redskins, but I think the timing made the exercise very effective for both of us.

Last night a massage therapist came to the class and taught our husbands how to massage us during pregnancy and during labor. It was awesome! I've asked for a prenatal massage from her for Christmas ... we will see how that request goes with all of the other expenses we have right now :) And then there was MORE INFORMATION ON BREAST FEEDING. Can't seem to get away from that one. I want to breast feed for as long as possible. God willing, Thriller will never have formula. But I really don't like watching other people do it. I know, I'm supposed to be all open minded and liberal and I am - I just think that a boob and latch close up ... again ... isn't really necessary in my life. I know it'll be different once I meet Thriller and we bond and grow together through the process - but for now, can we please keep the nipple close ups at a minimum? Apparently not. Okay, time to master my fears.

Bradley Class - 12 (but my first)

2009-10-30T15:56:00.002-04:00

On Monday I went to my first Bradley Method class. For those of you who are not familiar, the Bradley Method is a form of husband (or partner) coached childbirth that encourages natural, drug free delivery. The classes are a serious time commitment as it is a 12 week series.

Because we just landed, I took the 12th class (on breastfeeding) first so I wouldn't miss it due to delivery date. Morgan was in California for work so I had to go by myself. Considering the fact that I have totally been focused on more simple matters, like where we are going to live, I must admit that breastfeeding has not really been on my mind - other than the fact that I intend to breastfeed. And while I know we want to do it for at least 6 months, maybe longer, I have not even considered the logistics associated with it.

Man, are there some logistics! AH! %*#^!

I have a feeling that you probably don't want the details - and I am not sure I want to relive them yet (maybe a little closer to delivery). I did learn that I will need a pillow - or a good chiropractor. I'm opting for the pillow.

I am really looking forward to meeting the rest of my class and having a bit of community to prepare for birthing. The teacher was also very warm, informative and experienced. Several of the couples I met this week are using the same Doctor/Midwife practice and hospital Morgan and I are considering. They all have rave reviews - I hope I will be so impressed next week when I check them out myself.

And to Morgan's credit, while he missed the class on breastfeeding, he is flying back to Raleigh in between two weeks of travel for one night simply to start the Bradley Classes with me. He is the best.

WE HAVE A HOME!

2009-10-30T15:51:00.002-04:00

Not even sure where to begin... since I last blogged we closed on our first house, moved in (a little) with the help of Joe Morgan (he will be getting the best Uncle of the Year award) and I have started unpacking. My mom is coming up this weekend to help, which is WONDERFUL.

Love the house, although a little overwhelmed with actually having enough space to be organized! After 6 years of cluttered - barely getting by - San Francisco apartment living, being able to spread out is amazing! We are seriously in need of furniture, which I am sure will come and fill in our spaces soon enough.

I will post pictures of the house once I get it a little more organized :)

Tappan - 26 Weeks

2009-10-19T19:21:00.002-04:00

October 19, 2006

Morgan took this picture this afternoon while we enjoyed the sunset on the bay side of the Eastern Shore from the country club.

I look pretty damn pregnant.

Thriller enjoyed his/her first golfing adventure and the crisp fall air.