The Hallways Inside My Mind

Everyday in pregnancy has presented new, often juxtaposed, series of experiences ... weather it is an urge to get organized or a desire to do nothing but sleep, insatiable hunger or finding food revolting, energy to walk miles or an inability to consider walking to check the mail ... it always seems new, unexpected and different due to the rapid way my body and needs are changing.

One of the most dramatically different internal emotional dialogues is the back and forth between feeling incredibly lonely or realizing that I am never alone ... little Thriller is with me all the time. The moments of loneliness are accompanied by a sense of loss and confusion whereas the Thriller oriented times have pride, focus and purpose. Unfortunately I haven't gotten those good vibes in a few days.

I am sure that the loneliness is intensified by the fact that my husband has been out of town for weeks for work and I am no longer in San Francisco. But nonetheless I think that there is something more there - some sort of feeling of loss of a part of my life that will never be the same. I guess if you plan a pregnancy and decide it is your time it is a little different because you consciously say that you are ready to move on. And honestly, I have been totally ready to move on for some time. I was feeling a lot of disenchantment and frustration in the often self indulgent nature of our San Francisco lifestyle. That all being said - as I talked to Morgan over the course of this week and he was in San Francisco with all of our dear friends doing all of the things that we love to do I dug myself into a deep dark hole of discontent. I would also like the blame it on the bad weather - maybe the lack of vitamin D can be blamed for my selfishness?

And that is ultimately how I feel, petty and selfish. I have the most amazing thing in the world happening inside of me - I'm growing our child. And there is nothing with greater responsibility or purpose. I know every moment with Thriller will be more wonderful than every night out in my whole life! But I hope that at some point things will calm down and I do get a few more nights or cocoon days with Morgan before the baby comes. Moments that are really ours, our adventure, before the two of us become three. Those moments renew me.