We had a wonderful family weekend in Nashville. My good friend Kat was married on Saturday and we made the trip for the celebrations. My mom came up from Huntsville to babysit for the weekend so we could let loose a bit. Mom ROCKED. On Friday we went to the rehearsal dinner and returned to find Raymond totally happy and entertained by mom and the Tubbs, some good family friends. We came back to the hotel for me to nurse and put Raymond to bed - and then went to a bar around the corner. However, when it came time to go someplace new, I couldn't stomach being a whole 16 blocks/cab ride away from the hotel in case Raymond needed me - so I went home at midnight. Really, how lame is that? I was too worried to go farther away! With the perfect set up! Morgan was able to stay out until 4 AM rock it - but I had to be close to our little man.
On Saturday Mom, Raymond, Morgan and I went to the wedding together and once it got dark Mom took Raymond back to the hotel. I had a really hard time with this because we were relying on a shuttle to take us home and we were 45 minutes out of town and I knew I wouldn't be able to just hop home in case he needed me. But I let go - slowly. And after he left finally let myself have a much needed drink. But once again when we got back into town I came home and went to bed - not because I was too tired or didn't want to stay out with my people - but because I felt the need to be where Raymond was in case something happened. Once again, Morgan had NO PROBLEM staying out until (cough cough) 6 AM.
On Sunday I was like OK, next trip I stay out late and you stay closer to home with Raymond. And Morgan's response was totally true, there is no way I can do it when Raymond is around. I can't let go that much - can't let myself drink to much or be so far away that I can't get to him if needed. I mean seriously, I had my mother and a fridge full of pumped milk. I could have easily raged. But I couldn't do it.
I have often been the last girl standing - usually long after my husband has passed out. I need to think that when appropriate I can still pull that off - but when/how? Have I permanently changed?
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