Yesterday I talked to two good friends about the challenges introduced into marriage by being a parent. Across the board it seems that having a child presents more challenges to marriage than the dreaded “first year” of marriage – probably because so many people live together before they are married and have already made that adjustment in today’s world. Of course, conversations like this always come at a time of some internal struggle which maybe to personal to share in the old blog. But, alas I do think that the introspective nature of my quest to evolve is worth sharing – or at least worth writing about as it helps me grow.
Basically I am mad as hell that Morgan has a life outside of our family. Rational, NO. Right, NO. Bitchy and unrealistic, YES. But what are you going to do about it? Sometimes you just feel the way you feel and you have to have a little journey to get over it.
So what am I really mad about? It is hard to say. Identifying what you are really upset about in your life is SO MUCH harder than blaming someone else. My poor husband, it is so easy to blame him for my feelings! Okay, sometimes he earns a little of the blame … but it is in my best interest to evolve.
I think there is a lot of guilt in motherhood for needing something outside of mothering - I love my new job and that is fulfilling a lot of my brain needs – and I LOVE RAYMOND – and he fills my heart and soul every moment of the day. But I am honestly lacking in the friendship area. I have many dear friends that I can talk to all the time – but my “life” cannot be centered on the phone/email/Facebook only. Right? And I’m pissed that Morgan has made connections in that area where I am just starting too. Just pissed. I want him to stay home and be my best friend all the time because I am missing a part of human interaction in my world. Is that fair to him? No, of course not … but it is so much easier for him because he isn’t the primary care giver.
So, what can I immediately do to stop being mad at him? Ideas? It isn’t fair or right and I have to get over it. And get over feeling guilty that I need more in my life than being a mother. Is there a breast feeding friendly pill I can take to resolve all the irrational emotional turmoil that I put myself through?
Tappan,I wish I could be there to hang out with you. When you are finished nursing Raymond, it's going to get a lot better (not that it's a walk in the park to stop nursing. Can we say emotional rollercoaster?). Have you looked into finding groups of Moms you can hang out with? What about a book club? I lived in Vegas well over a year before I felt like I had a handful of good friends. People love being around you. You'll make your own friends soon enough, and you won't be on a short leash at home because Raymond will be on to whole milk.
ReplyDeleteThis articulates a lot of what I'm feeling, and I guess what others mothers feel, too. It's just that we have totally severed a part of our lives and grafted on another (yes, more wonderful) part. It's not that we don't like the addition, but sometimes we miss the old part. The "hop on the bus with a forty and head to a house party" part. And, our husbands haven't totally given that up. So, even without them enjoying that part of life, we have to experience loss. With them enjoying it, we're bitter. But, no matter what, I know they don't get the connection we have with our babies. There's a price to pay, but it's been happening for centuries, I suppose, and I also think it's better now that it was in the Victorian Era, where they weren't just going to Phish shows without us, but brothels instead!
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