I took my baby to see Phish, twice.

Last week Morgan and I made a major step in the series of “firsts” in parenting.  We took Raymond to a two night Phish run in Alpharetta, GA.  A year ago I swore I’d never do it – but it made sense and worked out wonderfully! (Despite the crazy weather!!!) As soon as we made the last minute decision to go and take Raymond our friend Dave Vann’s photograph of a little girl holding a “Harpua” sign in the front row on her parent’s shoulders in Ohio stirred up a ton of Facebook chatter about parents taking their kids to shows.  As I read through the comments I realized I’d probably made most of them over the past 13 + years of seeing Phish and now I realize even more how ignorant most, if not all, of the negative folks are. 

And to be fair, the commentary about fans being too wasted to be around kids would have most likely applied to me until Fenway 2009 when I went to go see my first sober Phish show at 6 (or so) weeks pregnant.  On that day and throughout the rest of 2009 I developed a new relationship with the music.  I was actually listening to all of the notes – which was an amazing experience … especially during a year when the band seemed like they were the most focused on hitting all of the notes.  In 2010 we did a little southern run but I was in no way shape or form prepared to take him to see Phish. Luckily for all 4 of those shows we were able to rely on friends and family to babysit – for what I consider to be the first family friendly Phish run (seriously, how crazy can you get when you’re nursing and have to get up at 6:30/7:00 am with the baby!).

This year, however, we did not know until the last minute when Morgan was invited to a conference in Atlanta that we could make the Alpharetta run (the only shows we would be able to consider for the whole tour).  We had not budgeted for the trip so it was a stretch to say the least, but we found a super cheap hotel and made the best with what we had.  It seemed like a sign when his work came through – especially as Raymond’s godfather (who he had not met yet) would be in town for the shows … a baptism of sorts???

What were we supposed to do? Evolve into Phish with our child or not?  Find a random babysitter on craigslist or take Raymond to experience our favorite band?  Not go to see a band we love with friends we never get to see?  It was an obvious and natural decision.  Time to take the baby to see Phish.  And do it right. As I saw a fair amount of shows when I was pregnant I'd already started taking this step.  But it was still a leap in parenting as as Phish fans. 

I immediately got online and started researching the venue’s policies on strollers, child’s admission, etc.  Turns out that Encore Pavilion prides itself on being a family friendly venue and has a family restroom, offers a certificate for kids who are coming to their first shows … the list goes on.  Morgan and I started crafting a plan.  We would get in at doors, get the best flat spot on the lawn, we would trade off night for who stayed totally sober on Raymond duty … and that person would take Raymond home at set break.  In addition we had our AWESOME headphones to protect his ears given to use by good friends as soon as I found out I was pregnant … apparently they knew we’d eventually be crossing this bridge before we did. 

Of course, with the exception of having a responsible parent for each night, all of our planning went to shit once we got into show mode/groove mode.  The first night was PERFECT.  We got in later than we hoped, but were able to put our blanket down next to some of our friends’ friends who were also there with their two older children.  We had the perfect flat family friendly zone in the middle of the lawn next to the trees where the sound is great.  Raymond LOVED the music and the lights (Chris should have a light show just for kids!!!) and even kept his headphones on.  We had lots of support of good friends and parents around us.  I also learned that there are these amazing folks on tour who bring in kid’s supplies --- baby sized glow stick bracelets, giant pixie sticks --- and roam the lawn giving them to the kids to help them have a good time.  We even got free waters in the lot for Raymond … really awesome supportive vibe from the touring community to have our son there!  Morgan was on duty the first night and only once had to step out of our area for a few songs while some folks were smoking.   Otherwise Raymond danced the night away and fell asleep in his daddy’s arms during 2001.  He slept in the stroller with his headphones on until the end of the show and slept sounding through the night back at the hotel room.

Wednesday night was much more challenging, and I learned a lot about what I could have done better to prepare for the worst case scenario.  We got into the venue much later as we’d been waiting for the giant thunder storms to pass.  I added a towel, umbrella and change of clothes to the backpack and hoped for the best.    We laid the blanket out (maybe mistake #1) and it was immediately soaked through.  Once the show started it became very clear that in fact the whole lawn does not have great sound.  We moved down closer to the trees where we were the night before and just didn’t put the blanket out (mistake #2) then the winds picked back up and a branch fell off the tree onto the top of my head.  It wasn’t that big but it fell a long way and really hurt.  Obviously we had to get Raymond away from the falling branches right away. 

We found another spot on the lawn were finally getting into a groove when BAM the storm hit us.  I tried to cover the front of the stroller with the umbrella but the wind was too high and broke the umbrella.  I was determined to leave and not have Raymond out in the weather and we started to run into the plaza when BOOM the lighting started and we had to take cover in the pavilion.  They turned on all the lights, the music stopped (at an epic moment) and we took out stroller (against regulation) into the seats.  There was an empty VIP box where security let us (and another family with a stroller) set up camp for the next hour of thunder, lighting and ferocious rain.  I pulled on my fairly dry towel and wrapped it around Raymond --- who was waving his hands at the stage wanting the band to start back up the whole time!!! The venue was so amazing to give us a safe refuge --- but a total kicker is that as soon as I got the towel wrapped around Raymond security walked up to me and asked if I’d like to go backstage to keep him warm.  And I said no, I thought we were okay.  REALLY??? I got asked if I wanted to go backstage with Phish and I said NO?????????? Clearly my head was in another place. About this time there was a flood of water pouring off of the lawn and soaking our shoes in 4 or 5 inches of water. 

Once the rain seemed to let up we changed Raymond’s clothes but they were just fairly dry and both I am the stroller were soaked, giving us a pretty damp existence. And then the moment came.  The venue’s lights went out Kuroda’s lights came on and the band picked back up and rocked.  Seriously, the first set wasn’t really doing much for me but when they came back on stage it was a whole other story.  Raymond thought so too.  I don’t know that I have ever seen him have so much fun.  He was totally into the music, waiving his glow sticks and dancing away on my shoulders and in my arms (no way to put him down at all between the wet stroller and standing water).  He and the other little girl in our new found VIP box were holding hands and dancing while she was also on her mom’s shoulders and playing with balloons together.  It was amazing.  This total state of bliss lasted until about 10:30 when he got tired.  There was so much stimulation and dampness that he couldn’t just go to sleep like he did the night before.  He was a little in and out and I was ready to take him for about 30 minutes but there was still lighting and heavy rain.  Not to mention the fact that the lawn was empty and everyone was in the seats/breezeways making it impossible for me to get out.  For the most part I could distract him and cheer him up but when he was really done, about 11/11:15 he was pulling off his headphones and I couldn’t have that.  Morgan made a path and we forced our way out (apologies if I ran over your toes) and I took Raymond to the car in light rain.  He was settled into the car seat just as the sky opened back up and incredible lightning hit so close that it shook my car.  I did leave my husband and friends to find a ride back – but I knew they could handle it and we all knew that taking care of Raymond was the priority.

All of that drama with the weather was worth the hour/hour and a half that Raymond and I experienced true musical bliss together in our special baby VIP box.  I have transcended another experience with Phish – a new level of love for the band that I have shared with my baby boy, husband and friends.  I couldn’t be happier.  Will I take him to every show?  Probably not.  But when the time is right I know now not to hesitate or judge.  We’re just expanding our phamily memories together.  Many thanks to the friends, band, venue and community of fans that made it such a wonderful experience for us all.   

The Lake!

We enjoyed a long weekend at home here at the Vickery household, which was very nice and a bit overdue.  Why does life have to be so busy????????  On Monday we decided to go to Jordan Lake to swim for a nice family outing.  We had never been to Jordan Lake before (except driving through) and had no idea where we were going or what to expect. Or when we were going to go in the day. 

The lack of planning for this outing was very unlike Morgan (who is a hyper planner when it comes to outdoor activities) or me (who is a hyper planner all the time).  We printed out a map, filled up a couple of water bottles, tossed a backpack full of clothes for swimming or maybe hiking and the baby and the dog in the car and headed over.  

Raymond LOVED the trip.  We say on the beach and had no plan to force him into the water.  He sat and watched it for a while and played in the sand before standing and walking over to the edge of the water and inching himself in.  There was a bit of surf and I kept worrying that the waves would deter him but they didn’t!  He embraced every minute of it! 

Next time we’ll be better prepared with a life jacket, water toys, sand buckets etc … for honestly we had no idea what to expect from the location or from Raymond – no expectations turned out to be LOVELY and full of surprises.  Happy Memorial Day Lake Trip to US! 

And now I'm off to enroll him in swimming lessons. 

Check out our Easter!

Raymond's Easter at Home

update?!?!

Hello Blog: I have been too busy to be introspective and write about my life or my baby. I guess this is a significant improvement over the first 10 + months of blogging which were often my introspective pity party that come with having too much free time on your hands. Actually, in the case of being a new mother, it’s less having free time on your hands and more not using all the same parts of your brain and they start going a little crazy. I think. Anyway. Life is good.


Raymond is VERY vocal these days. We have a lot of good words: Bubble, Dog, Mammmaaaaa, Dad (or Dadadada), Disc (yes, we have a little disc golfer in the family), ball, ball ball (for basketball, March Madness left a mark around here), cracker (okay, that one sounds more like craaaka) and my very favorite, duck. He is obsessed with being outside. Which is wonderful, except that the weather backtracked a bit last week and it was raining and cold and he didn’t understand why that meant he couldn’t go outside.

We’re a little less than a month out of breastfeeding and it is like it never happened. He does occasionally bat at my boobs and laugh, but that is about it. I am worried sick about him not eating enough, but he is pretty good about telling me when he is hungry or thirsty. Pretty much needs a meal or snack every 2 – 3 hours. It actually seems like MORE work to me now because I have to sit him down and make a snack or meal and give it to him to eat (which is a long process) and clean up whereas before I could just pop him on the boob. My stay at home life is still focused on feeding.

But he still isn’t walking! Okay. Boys walk later. He is just 14 months. He CAN walk for extended periods barely holding onto my finger so I know developmentally he could. But he doesn’t want to … at all. Okay. Deep breath, don’t worry. I think he is just like me. Every winter I think “why would I ski when I’m just going to fall and hurt myself all day” … I imagine Raymond thinks “why would I walk when I am a speed crawler that can get anywhere I want in seconds!”

So that is the Raymond update.

Oh yeah, I turned 30. The age seems less important as I became a mother beforehand. That has been a much more significant life change than the silly age.

Bye Bye BaBa

I am so proud of my little man. He has decided it is time to move on from nursing.

Over the past month or so we cut out the morning feeding and the pacification feedings, but he was still nursing at least three times a day on demand. I wouldn’t give it to him if he was crying for it, but when he asked nicely or has a little fall here or there … I had hoped to be done in the next two weeks, practically because it is time for my annual exam and I would like to get a new RX for better birth control. But I honestly haven’t been too aggressive about cutting him completely off. Additionally, he hasn’t taken to drinking any other milks regularly (and I’ve tried them all) so I haven’t wanted to cut out the nutritional source either.

But this weekend it just happened. On Friday afternoon I went to take a hot bath and Raymond came in from outside and jumped into the tub with me (of course with all his dirty clothes on) and nursed. It was quiet sudden and he bit me pretty hard in the process of me trying to deal with a sopping wet baby in the tub when I was trying to meditate. Morgan came in and laughed at our situation and made a joke that Raymond better enjoy the baba while he still could, his days were numbered!  Raymond pulled off and cried for a second, like he understood, but he had a nice nursing session and a good bath afterwards.

Apparently he did understand.

Saturday came and went and he never demanded nursing. After he went to bed I cried for a while. Sunday came and my game plan was that if he needed the boob he could have it once as I have not planned on this being the weekend of weaning. But he never needed it. This morning he pulled down my shirt a little but then giggled and started playing with toys. He had a big fall and let me comfort him but did not go for the boob. He is fine.

Like all other milestones, he just went with it when he was ready. I didn’t get a chance to “plan” or “implement” he just did it. Which is wonderful … however, I am a bit of a mess. For 13 ½ months nursing has been a major part of my life and I am sad to see that time go. But I didn’t have to force it on Raymond … it was his time. And that means the world to me.

Do you remember cramps?

I don't. I haven't had my period since May of 2009. I haven't been worried (with the exception of a couple of pregnancy tests along the way) as I have been an exclusive breast feeder. And let’s be honest, I've really barely started to wean the little guy.



Sometime last week I started having extreme pains in my stomach which I attributed to stress. After a relaxing weekend in Asheville with friends I thought I'd be all fixed, and while my mind is settled I find that my cramps have only gotten more extreme.



After we got home last night I had a major episode with back pain and light headed spells. I barely slept through the night as I was woken up about every 45 minutes with sharp, tight pains.



The whole night I tossed and turned and thought to myself what a wimp I must be if this is just the return of my cycle. I did have terrible cramps as a teenager which led to me getting on birth control at 17. But nothing like this.



Today they have only gotten worse. I finally bit the bullet and called the OBGYN --- thinking to myself that someday I would laugh about calling the doctor for cramps.



The call back did not make me feel silly as the nurse explained that this level of pain is pretty normal when you haven't had you period in a while. However, she did not make me feel better when she said I could also have a cyst. Apparently when you do not have your period for a long time and your hormones are all crazy ovarian cysts are common. WTF.



I can’t find much online about this potential “cyst” --- most sites simply state that it is a myth that breast feeding causes cysts and it shouldn’t be a deterrent to breastfeed. Okay, really, I’m sold on breast feeding. Would never go back on that choice and plan to keep it going for any other children we might be blessed with. But what about the potential cysts? I kind of feel like the nurse shouldn’t have thrown that out without more information or scheduling an appointment. I go in for my annual appointment next month and I guess I will get answers then. I imagine it would be silly to go to the doctor just because I am having bad cramps … and just because I might have a cyst that is common and will likely resolve itself. Likely I will still be experiencing this pain and still won’t have my period.

I thought I would be relieved to have my cycle start back as I have missed the connection to my body a little. But weeks of this pain followed by a period that could last 10 days to 3 weeks? I might go back on that wish very soon.

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Feb 22 Follow UP: I wanted to check in as I have learned that the pain and possible cyst I was mentioning really isn't caused by breast feeding.  I know I already said that but I want to be clear as I would hate to make someone think there is a reason not to breast feed.  In fact most of us have them and when you don't ovulate for a while they are harder to get through the next time around.  Certain birth controls, pregnancy in general, irregularity or age could all be factors in irregular ovulation. 

Do I have to call my baby a toddler now?

We made it!  Sunday marked Raymond's FIRST BIRTHDAY and we had a party with family and friends to celebrate.  Today we had the dreaded one year well visit, complete with shots, and he is doing just fine (especially considering how many live viruses he has now as a result of the shots). 

Raymond is not yet walking on his own but is holding onto our legs and walking with us,  It is pretty cute. For that reason I can say he isn't a a toddler YET.  But alas I find that we are now in the "Tots" category.  We were even corrected at a restaurant when another mom called our children "TODDLERS, not babies." 

Raymond will always be my baby, but that isn't the distinction I am trying to make. 

I don't know how she did it ...

My husband is out of town for work all week, and it happens to be the busiest week of my part time (not so part time this week) job, my technology is failing me all around and Raymond is changing his sleep schedule to take one nap.  I am blessed that I have a child that goes into these transitions easily.  I, on the other hand, am not transitioning very well.

But in the heat of my frustration I find myself taking deep breaths and pausing and thinking of my mom.  My parents were divorced (and her heart broken )when i was 3.  During the summers we had a lot of family and friends around in Elkmont to help care for me - and close friends in Gatlinburg too - but really she did the day to day totally alone.  And I think she did a great job.

The thought of my mother is inspiring.  I can make it through and hope to be as wonderful as she was.

Coming soon: One less thing to worry about!

I continue to count down the days until Raymond’s birthday (5 ½ more to go!) with great anticipation. One of the many reasons is because after Raymond’s first birthday he is statistically out of the danger zone for a second bladder infection. Which means that every time he gets a fever over 101 I do not have to take him to the doctor and have a catheter done and that I no longer have to have a hidden nugget of guilt that my decision may cause him to have kidney damage. Whew.
Some background: Raymond is uncircumcised. I don’t really want to open this conversation up to debate about the “circumcision decision.” All I want to say is that Morgan and I did a lot of research and consultation which lead us to the decision not to circumcise and we are VERY pleased that we did not cosmetically and irrevocably alter our child.

But, despite our resolve, this decision was seconded guessed when Raymond got a bladder infection. This is the information I have --- DISCLAIMER, I am not a medical professional! --- Males under 1 year that are uncircumcised are more likely to get a bladder infection/UTI than circumcised males. Males that are uncircumcised that are older than 1 have almost no occurrence of bladder infections/UITs … among many other longer term benefits … here I am about to go off on my tangent … refocus. I think the statistic is that uncircumcised babies have 1 and 10,000 chance of getting an infection. However, after the first infection occurs, uncircumcised babies have 1 in 100 chance of getting a secondary infection (I am certain about the second statistic).

Okay, no big deal, right? Antibiotics will clear it up. That actually depends on who you ask. By the time the baby has a fever and you know there is an infection the bacteria has penetrated the kidneys and gotten into the blood stream, which could mean that your baby boy is at risk for kidney damage and or failure.

Why does the baby get the infection? Babies poop in diapers and before the foreskin retracts you cannot necessarily be 100% that you have gotten all of the poop out. A small particle of poop may get in the shaft and work its way back until it gets into the urinary tract and so forth. Additionally there may be other factors – such as urinary tract reflux – or other irregularities in the baby’s bladder and associated parts – that make the occurrence of a secondary infection more likely.

Back to our story: After we were properly diagnosed with the infection by our pediatrician we were referred to have some tests and imaging done of Raymond’s bladder, urinary tract, kidneys, etc. The main thing there were looking for was the reflux. We had an ultrasound done and then this terrible horrible dye/catheter/x-ray series done where there looked for the reflux. Raymond did not have any reflux BUT there was indication of a slightly dilated part of the uritar … dilated means it isn’t even narrowed! But the “abnormality” plus the fact that Raymond is uncircumcised meant that our pediatrician wanted us to see a specialist.

Side note: I love our thorough and thoughtful group of pediatricians but admittedly I am a little worn out on the culture of fear created by malpractice insurance. A topic of another time.

Specialist number 1: Total ASSHOLE. To start, he so unprofessional as to be loudly dictating notes about the client next to us so I knew all the specifics of our case … then he didn’t even LOOK at my child when examining him and was very cold … but moreover he pretty much told me that I was negligent for leaving Raymond uncircumcised because he would likely have kidney failure due to infections, that I was like his dumb Mexican clients for leaving him uncircumcised (I am biting back the fact that NO OTHER COUNRTY IN THE WORLD HAS ROUTINE CIRCUMCISION as a secular practice which was a part of our decision process) and then he recommends that I put Raymond on antibiotics for the FIRST YEAR of his life as a preventative measure to make sure there isn’t another infection. I won’t even go into the other blatantly racist actions by him and his staff towards Hispanic clients that I witnessed. I was so shocked by my experience there that I wrote a long letter to my pediatricians so they would be advised and consider if they wanted to make referrals to the doctor again.

The pediatricians passed my letter around and I got a call to apologize for the referral but also to state that they would like me to see someone else. There are about 10 doctors at my practice and they consulted and approx half felt I should put Raymond on antibiotics and a preemptive measure whereas the other half did not. I got the warning (my file was noted for their liability reasons I’m sure) and was referred to the big time pediatric urologist at Duke. Here we go AGAIN!

Specialist number 2: I got to Duke and Dr. Superspecialist looked at all of the images and records for Raymond and couldn’t figure out what exactly what the “irregularity” as the dilatation was well within “normal range.” He did say that it was good that I followed up to be certain. He also told me that unless there is a real serious irregularity he never recommends the use of preemptive antibiotics as the current studies show that it only helps 1 in 7 children whereas the rest of them still get bladder infections and also suffer the effects of being on long term antibiotics when there is no bad bacteria – basically totally voiding their immune systems and altering their bacterial flora for life. Exactly what I wanted to hear and what I knew to be true from all the research we did prior to making the “circumcision decision.”

Despite this report the way I was treated by the first doctor had left an inkling of guilt in my heart and soul that my baby boy could hurt or really be hurt by our decision not to circumcise. It is really pathetic that I have held onto it as I know so much about the benefits he will experience as a result. But the 1 in 100 statistic is very real and I have dutifully kept my eye on any fevers, had 1 extra catheter and held just a little bit of my breath in worry.

I should also admit, maybe for the first time, that part of my fear was not only for Raymond but for myself as I have been so vocal in our family and community about our decision that if Raymond had complications as a result I would have been wrong. And all those who stand in slight silent judgment of our decision would feel validated. Which is also ridiculous because it isn’t like he would have ever had a moment to had kidney damage as we have been so proactive in his care. But these are the worries you carry around as a mother.

5 ½ more days until one less worry …

Whew, I'm almost there!

As we approach Raymond’s first birthday (10 days away) I am struck with many, many thoughts about motherhood and my experience but most notably I am damn proud of myself for breastfeeding exclusively for a year. I did it. Yes, I am tooting my own damn horn and I am not going to feel bad about it. Not only did I do it but I loved it. Breastfeeding created a bond from his first day of life that I believe will last for the rest of my life, and possibly beyond … although I’m not really up for a metaphysical discussion at the moment.


I have only 3 other friends who have accomplished exclusive breastfeeding for the first year. I have several friends whose lifestyles (social, work, personality) didn’t accommodate breastfeeding and even more who were unable to physically breastfeed at all or who could only breastfeed for a short time. I know that with strong parents these children love their moms and will be just fine! I do not mean to suggest that I am a better mother for having a year in.

My life HAS been controlled by being a food source, but honestly, I haven’t noticed. I have said to several expectant friends that it is just a choice, you decide to alter your routine to support breastfeeding and embrace it OR you feel overwhelmed and possibly resent it down the line.

I feel incredibly blessed to have physically feed Raymond for his first year. I DO plan to start the weaning process (I’m really still on demand, except for nursing to sleep as he got so many teeth so early) after his first birthday. My goal is to be done by 18 months. I am not driven to this date by feeling like he’ll be getting too old but more because I want to teach him to love food and eat! Too often when we get out of our routine I don’t worry about getting him a “meal” or “snack” because I know he is getting everything he needs from me still.

As Raymond has had 1 cold (viral), 1 ear infection (70% chance viral, 30% chance bacterial), 1 bladder infection (bacterial) and 1 hand food and mouth disease (viral). I certainly cannot say he has never been sick as a result of my breast milk. I have struggled with feeling like my milk isn’t as good as everyone else’s because he has gotten sick, despite being breastfed and at home. I had the idea that breast milk would create a shield against sickness and that isn’t true. But you ARE making a healthier child and able to comfort and hydrate them with a substance stronger than any antibiotic to help get well!

Babies Babies Everywhere!

We have dear friends all over the country with newborns.  It is so wonderful to know that they are experiencing the pure JOY of becoming parents, or in some cases having their second child.

I was particularly touched when reading the birth story of Miss Esther Pearl Sasser Strom this morning.  As Sabrina put it, I too have been " robbed me of a lot of innate confidence that I had previously held that my body would know how to have a baby."

All of the preparation that we did for a natural birth went out the window when my blood pressure started rising.  I do not regret any of the decisions or care I received in Raymond's birth.  But it has created a disconnect from my hopes for a natural birth and ultimately from my confidence as a woman.  Reading about Esther's birth has helped me remember what I wanted to experience! 

YAY Sabrina, Eric and Esther!  Thank you for sharing your story.

Can't always plan for changes ...

When I was pregnant I had many ideals about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I now know that you can’t plan for that sort of thing – nor can you plan before you know your child. One of the most important characteristics I wanted to embrace was attachment parenting – and I know that I have succeeded in that regard. Additionally, I wanted to be a parent that had a flexible lifestyle and schedule for my baby. However, there is a caveat to my idealism. In August (approx 7 months) we started to let Raymond “cry it out” and developed a regular schedule. Really, it sounds much worse than it is – I promise. Despite the fact that it has worked and I am a believer in the method, I am still embarrassed to say I did it as I was SO certain I wouldn’t be that kind of mom.


After we went on the Morgan’s family annual beach trip Raymond’s schedule totally changed. He would no longer nurse to sleep … or to nap … and I had NO idea how to go about getting him to bed or in a regular sleep pattern. After reading the books, talking to the doctors and talking to friends it became evident that the most successful practice is “crying it out.” No, I thought over and over, NO NO NO. I am not going to be that mom. We will work this out.

But the most obvious thing to go had to be night time nursing. To this day, unless we are traveling and comfort is needed, no baba to go to bed. I’m really glad we made that change so long ago. I also know his teeth have benefited greatly!

Finally I gave in to trying to let him cry. We developed a naptime/night time routine, wrote down the schedule and let him go. It is simple really – bedtime: bath, PJs, song, bedtime – naptime: wash hands, book, song naptime … Ah, I’m one of those parents! For about 2 weeks we really struggled with the routine. We would let him cry for up to 10 minutes (this is physically painful!) and then go in and comfort him … sometimes we would have to do it 2 or 3 times. But it worked.

Crying it out did not mean let him scream and wail in the crib and not comfort him. For us it meant developing a pattern and routine that we could all adjust to and live with. The hard part is the adjustment and you have to determine where your tolerance is in the process. I think if we had not started seeing GREAT results after 2 weeks I would have tried something else.

We’ve crossed time zones, gotten new teeth, gone out to dinner late and missed naps. I am not a total slave to the schedule and Raymond does adapt well. Soon he, sorry we, will face two more big changes – weaning from nursing (I’m going to start the process after his first birthday with the hope of having him totally off by 18 mo if not before) and transitioning to one a day nap. He is showing signs of getting ready for the big nap move but I’m hoping he’ll hold out for a bit longer.

I have to be willing to embrace the hard work associated with these upcoming transitions … willing to see him cry, willing to face frustration on all our parts. I’m not looking to push either transition. What I now know as a mother is that you can’t plan for ANYTHING but have to let your child’s needs guide you and meet them with educated and strong direction as they change. I’m really blessed to be at home (even when I’m working) to be a part of this process.

Ear Follow Up

Today was a wonderful day.  I learned that my son's left ear is totally fine and that he does not have to have ear canal enlargement surgery.  His hearing is perfect in both ears.  And, should he have a blockage in the narrow canal is isn't a big deal - they just use ear drops.

Several people, including Morgan, thought it was premature for me to go ahead and meet with the superspecialist EMT but I couldn't be more pleased that I did.  Instead of spending the next 2 years dreading his ear I know he is totally normal - with a "normal" abnormality. 

Thank you thank you thank you.

This is the second time I have been referred first to a local specialist and then to a super specialist at one of the teaching hospitals in the past year.  Both times I have learned that my son is totally normal and there are no concerns.  Next time something comes up I'm having our ped send us straight to UNC or Duke to meet with the best and skip over the not so current doctors around town. 

Wow, 2011, really?

Here we are ... 2011!  I have not had a free moment to blog in nearly a month (apologies to my avid readers) and have honestly missed the opportunities for reflection.  Life moves so quickly!  We are preparing for Raymond's first birthday in just over 2 weeks - I can't believe that a year has gone by already.  Or that it has been 20 months since I learned that I was unexpectedly pregnant and my life totally changed.  I should say our life as Morgan's world was equally turned around and around while we figured out how to become parents. 

I have a few resolutions for the new year: (1) Don't eat sugar because of lack of sleep, stress or anger thinking that the indulgence is justified because of whatever I am "going through" -  (2) Don't be so reactionary/snappy towards my husband, he doesn't deserve it (even when I have extreme lack of sleep, stress, anger or sugar comedown) - (3) Love every day and its moments to the fullest, spending less time inside my own head making life less wonderful than it really is. 

These resolutions are a tall order, but I think I can do it!

The left ear ...

Raymond has one irregular ear. There is a skin tag, a “pit” leading to the sinus and a narrow ear canal on his left ear.


At our first pediatrician visit (when he was six days old!) our doctor took one look into the ear and immediately sent us to the ENT. The ENT was awesome and gave us some information on watching the pit as it could get infected, removal of the skin tag (cosmetic and optional) and said we would keep an eye on the ear canal. Today I remembered that at that time he said we would consider options closer to one year old.

We were put on a follow up plan with him to keep an eye on the ear. In the second visit, when Raymond was five months old, the ENT explained that outer and inner ear development happens at different times and that the irregularities did not mean that there were inner ear problems, but they might. So we needed to keep an eye on his hearing and know that if there are questions we would have to have an MRI or CAT scan as you cannot see through the ear canal.

Yesterday I went in for my third follow up visit, which was aptly timed as I wanted to follow up on Raymond’s recent ear infection and alternative treatments. The good news is that the right ear is totally clean and from what the DR can see of the left ear it is clear too – without any leftover fluid from the infection. And Raymond’s hearing is great!

I am, however floored by the news regarding the ear canal. The ENT told me that he needed to send to a pediatric Otolaryngology specialist and surgeon that specializes this sort of problem. I had no idea that we had a problem; I thought we just had an irregularity. I think I made him repeat himself at least three times as I was so floored by what he was telling me.

Apparently Raymond needs to see the specialist for evaluation, including ear imagining (i.e. strap him down and put him in a machine), and possibly surgery at age 4 to enlarge his ear canal. It is most likely that this narrow canal will cause hearing problems when he is older, the canal will be totally clogged with wax, impossible to clean and no air will be able to get to the ear drum. This is not a certainty – but my ENT would not give me any percentages and consistently said I needed to see a specialist. (I thought he was the specialist!?!?!)

Per the ENT, the surgery is “a major procedure, a much bigger deal than getting tubes put in your ear …” We should go ahead and start the process of meeting with the specialist to get as much information as possible, both on the procedure, statistics and Raymond’s specific case (have images of how the canal is developing, if the inner ear is effected and if his hearing is effected) so that we have time to weigh the facts to make our decision. Age 4 is optimal for the surgery because the ear canal has grown enough to determine if there is definite need and is still growing so it is malleable for the procedure. The procedure is cutting into the ear and manually making a bigger hole from the outer ear into the inner ear. At this time we would also have a pit and skin tag removed.

After hearing all of this several times yesterday, talking it through, and thinking about it all day today I am still floored. At no point have we ever discussed anything this major with the ENT or our pediatrician. I have put a call into my pediatrician to talk it through with him. I am scheduled to see the specialist, Dr. Austin Rose at UNC Dept of Otolaryngology in the Neurosciences Hospital on January 14. We will use this visit to ask questions and get more information. I am not submitting Raymond to any “imaging” until I get a much better handle on what is really going on here.

I do like the ENT and I am certain he didn’t want to sound the alarm and make me worry before he was certain that the canal wasn’t growing. But I seriously could have used some sort of heads up on this. I guess the next three years is some time to get informed and process what is going on.

Tappan's Tips on C-Section Delivery & PostPardum

I have several expectant friends who are due in the next few months.  Some dread the hospital, some trust their doctors and/or midwives but they all seem to want low intervention or natural births.  Luckily most of them are open to the fact that their safety and their child's safety is what is most important. I find myself having to hold back telling them everything I think about birth and having a new born.  I know some of the advice is helpful but God only knows can be overbearing.  I am thinking about my friends all the time, which has inspired me to blog retrospectively about tips for c-section delivery and post pardum.  Some of these tips apply no matter what so I hope you'll find them helpful! 

(1) It is going to be okay if you have a c-section. 

(2) Once you realize you're going to have a section get your stuff together in the delivery room to be transferred into the recovery room.  Have a brother/father-in-law/friend who is there be in charge of moving your belongings or packing you.

(3) I wish I had my mom there to stay with me while I was in recovery and had dedicated that Morgan stay with Raymond, or vice versa.  It is kind of scary to be suddenly all alone with the hospital staff (even if you really like them, which I did) while the baby and husband are away from you.  I think it was also hard on Morgan to feel like he needed to run back and forth.

(4) Make sure that you get to meet your baby in the operating room as it will be about an hour before you'll get to see him/her again.  (Unless there is a medical reason that keep you from the baby.)

(5) DON'T be afraid of the recovery pain medication.  TAKE THE DRUGS.  You have had intense surgery and you will not be able to enjoy the first moments and weeks with your child and build confidence if you are suffering.

(6) DO be careful of hurting yourself.  Remember that the pain medication makes you feel like you're fine but you can still aggravate and hurt yourself more.

(7) Focus on skin to skin contact and nursing you baby.Use the lactation consultants and have your nursing pillow with you!

(8) If you are induced or have a c-section it may take a day or so longer for your milk to come in because your body didn't go through the natural process of giving birth.  IT WILL COME, don't worry, and don't let the hospital freak you out about it on discharge. If you have to use formula for a day to keep the baby hydrated that is okay too, but don't give up on nursing it will come!

(9) After you get home remember that some weird things may happen - your leg may be numb for several weeks, which normal from the nerves that are cut ...  You may have incredible pain several days/weeks latter because you're backing off the pain medication but your uterus is still contracting and pulling on the sutchers when you're nursing. This is all normal! (Unless you have a fever in which case there maybe an infection and you need to call the doctor ASAP).

(10) If you have pain medication and feel like a whole pill is making you too loopy to be up with the baby, try quartering or halfing the pill ... if you do quarters then take a quarter every hour instead on every 4 hours taking a whole pill.  That way you don't get wasted but are able to manage the pain in recovery. (Note: You should talk to a medical professional prior to altering any drugs.)

(11) Almost all of my post pardum "mood" was centered on the fact that I had a c-section rather than a natural birth.  I do think those feeling were (and continue to be) valid, but try not to waste your thoughts on it.  It is unnecessary negative energy that keeps you from healing!

(12) ...kind of personal here... You still need to wait to have sex even though you didn't have a vaginal delivery as your body is raw/effected from carrying the child and if you had any form of labor it is effected that way too.  It is still going to hurt the first time --- but not for too long, and not nearly as much as those who have major tears or cuts from their delivery.  A little personal c-section bonus :)

(13) Granny Panties.  Learn to love them.  You do not want your underwear line rubbing up against your incision and you'll still be a bit swollen so I recommend the kind that go up to your bellybutton.  Soft, washed and ready to go at the hospital and probably some more for at home ... you'll probably want to toss them after the first few days and then again after 4 weeks or so ...

The Pink Stuff, Part II

About noon yesterday Raymond's fever finally broke!  We thought we were moving in the right direction ...
he continued to pull on his ears and be fussy but surely we were getting better. He was up screaming all through the night, but for some dumb reason I never thought to turn on the light to look at him when I went in to comfort him (Baby Sleep101, keep it dark for them to go back to sleep).

Morgan got up at about 7:00 to find Raymond COVERED in a very angry rash.  Okay, this could be good.  If he has Roseola the fever had broken and this is the end of the virus rash.  Probably that is all it is.  But I called the doctor just in case ... he could be having an allergic reaction to the amoxacillin or we could need to look at all of his sickness from a different perspective. 

Our doctor's office is open on the weekends (yay!) and the nurse had us come in at noon to see if it was an allergic reaction.  And then we learned ... drum roll please ... Raymond is allergic to THE PINK STUFF!  Once again, should have known when I dropped that first bottle! 

The doctor prepared us for some of the challenges we need to be aware of as parents with a child who is allergic to penicillin drugs - most importantly to beware of Urgent Care/ER/Other Drs offices when treating Strep Throat.  Apparently some practices just give a massive penicillin shot, which the doctor said would be devastating for Raymond.  We also need to be prepared to travel with antibiotics abroad to protect him there too. 

I also learned that amoxacillin is only 30% effective in treating ear infections ANYWAY.  DAMN IT.

And on that note, while the left ear has cleared up, the right ear is in very bad shape ... the drum close to being inflames enough to burst.  So, not only is he allergic to The Pink Stuff, it also didn't work at all and his ear infection has spread and is much worse in the other ear.  So now we're on treatment plan number 4 for this week, which includes a different antibiotic (zythromuacin ... probably didn't spell that right) and may or may not include travel for Thanksgiving.  If this treatment works we should be okay, but at this point I am not making any promises.

THIS IS SO HARD.   At least Morgan is home now to help. 

The Pink Stuff

I remember segments of childhood more than specific occurrences. Of those segments, I clearly remember my ear infections and … THE PINK STUFF … the yummy cure all that lived in the fridge and sometimes I would even pretend to not be feeling well to get a taste. (Result: The last time I took amoxicillin I got a terrible rash! I’m done with it … tapped out on being able to use it, or any other drugs in the penicillin family, when I get sick)


Amoxicillin. Yummy and YUCKY. And Necessary.

In my various waves of mother purism I hoped to never have to give Raymond antibiotics before he was a year old. It was my personal goal. Yet another goal that was either totally unrealistic or I failed.

On Monday I took Raymond into the doctor early in the morning and he was diagnosed with his first ear infection … in his weird ear with a narrow ear canal where if there are any complications he will have to have a CT Scan. Even though his fever was not raging and there was a chance his body could overcome the infection on its own I felt certain, in that moment, that a little Pink Stuff was better than strapping him down and putting him in a scary machine.

(At the same time I was also thinking of a dear friend who has a baby girl that temporarily lost hearing due to ear infections before she was one year old.)

I get the prescription, come home and open it to give him the first dose and drop the entire bottle of amoxicillin everywhere. Hot pink bubble gum stain on my pants, all over the floor, splatter on the walls. Gross. Luckily my brother in law was here and got the dog out (it would NOT have been good for Cooper to get into The Pink Stuff) and cleaned it up while I teetered on breakdown. I should have taken this as a sign that I shouldn’t give it to him. But NO, I go back to the pharmacy and pay full price for a second bottle to help my baby.

Wednesday rolls around and he still has a fever – now it is slightly higher – and he has started grabbing the base of his head and crying. His neck appears swollen and is very sensitive to the touch. Back to the doctor with great fears of meningitis or other scary things associated with brain swelling. Two and a half hours later, after extensive exams, two doctors, blood and urine testing we know: Raymond does not have an ear infection anymore, he does not have meningitis, there is no bacteria in his blood, there is no bacteria in his urine, and his viral blood count is incredibly high – so high in fact that one of the doctors said it is the highest she has seen. My directions give him Tylenol and keep him hydrated, call back if the fever isn’t going tomorrow.

OK, a virus, we can deal with this … part of life … part of being a baby…

Yesterday comes and things seem a lot better until Raymond fever goes back up and I cannot get it down with Tylenol. And he has stopped eating, still nursing but no “solids” or water. Back on the phone with the doctor… virus hasn’t run its course yet, if it started on Wednesday then we should expect him to have a fever today.

Round and round we go. I should say that I am very happy with the care we have been getting with our doctor(s). My frustration is not with them but with the virus. It is so aggressive. Today Raymond woke up in obvious pain, high fever, etc. It took me two hours to cheer him up and for the fever to go down … which is very odd for my baby. I just have to let it be, I can’t fix it, I can’t do anything! DAMN VIRUS.

So what happened … he got an ear infection, we gave him The Pink Stuff, which in turn voided out his immune system and WHAM he got his with this virus. A terrible aggressive virus … just like all the medical literature says will happen with antibiotics.  And the kicker is, now that I've bought in, I have to complete the course of treatment - so finnish the bottle!  We're not done with The Pink Stuff!

I am left feeing much less assured that I did the right thing to get rid of the ear infection and feeling guilty as hell that I let him get exposed to the virus.

All the damn pro-biotic supplementation we do couldn’t stand up to The Pink Stuff.

I hate it, but I know it won’t be the last time I’ve got to use it.

It is not nice to blame someone else for your problems.

Yesterday I talked to two good friends about the challenges introduced into marriage by being a parent. Across the board it seems that having a child presents more challenges to marriage than the dreaded “first year” of marriage – probably because so many people live together before they are married and have already made that adjustment in today’s world. Of course, conversations like this always come at a time of some internal struggle which maybe to personal to share in the old blog. But, alas I do think that the introspective nature of my quest to evolve is worth sharing – or at least worth writing about as it helps me grow.


Basically I am mad as hell that Morgan has a life outside of our family. Rational, NO. Right, NO. Bitchy and unrealistic, YES. But what are you going to do about it? Sometimes you just feel the way you feel and you have to have a little journey to get over it.

So what am I really mad about? It is hard to say. Identifying what you are really upset about in your life is SO MUCH harder than blaming someone else. My poor husband, it is so easy to blame him for my feelings! Okay, sometimes he earns a little of the blame … but it is in my best interest to evolve.

I think there is a lot of guilt in motherhood for needing something outside of mothering - I love my new job and that is fulfilling a lot of my brain needs – and I LOVE RAYMOND – and he fills my heart and soul every moment of the day. But I am honestly lacking in the friendship area. I have many dear friends that I can talk to all the time – but my “life” cannot be centered on the phone/email/Facebook only. Right? And I’m pissed that Morgan has made connections in that area where I am just starting too. Just pissed. I want him to stay home and be my best friend all the time because I am missing a part of human interaction in my world. Is that fair to him? No, of course not … but it is so much easier for him because he isn’t the primary care giver.

So, what can I immediately do to stop being mad at him? Ideas? It isn’t fair or right and I have to get over it. And get over feeling guilty that I need more in my life than being a mother. Is there a breast feeding friendly pill I can take to resolve all the irrational emotional turmoil that I put myself through?

I need my mommy!

The first week of my job Raymond had a hard time ... but it seemed to have leveled off until today.  We have sitters come in when I need to go to meetings and there is a pretty regular routine.  Today, however, as soon as I got back from my lunch meeting he it was on.  No walking away, no putting down - my baby wanted to be held and have his mommy at all times. 

On one hand I feel touched to be so needed - us moms do get off on being needed after all.  But mainly I feel totally guilty about have sitters come in two days in a row.  At least I was able to give him my full attention once I was home.  I think that is the most important part - to really focus with the time I have.