When a Religion Major and a Philosophy Major Make a Baby ....

Last weekend we had Raymond's baptism. It was perfect!
We (unknowingly) scheduled the event for what would have been Raymond's great grandfather's (the original Raymond) 100th birthday and is Uncle Ken's 62nd birthday, making it an extra special occasion for the Vickery clan.

We had many of the Morgan clan here as well! Raymond continued the tradition of wearing the Christening gown Granny made for the grandchildren. It was really lovely and fit perfectly!

Mom came the week before to help prepare and play with Raymond (who was terrible to her, but hopefully he will have recovered before he sees in a couple of weeks!) My cousin Leda came and not only saved the day by helping Mom and I will all the preparations and implementation – but also was a wonderful support and representation of our family.

Planning this baptism was also perfect - but came with a lot of interesting conversations. Morgan's spiritual background is very different than mine - raised as a Baptist, went to Episcopal High School, got involved with Young Life (where he was "Church hurt" - I think I owe that phrase to Elizabeth Shaw, but it fits perfectly) and then went to Sewanee where he was a comparative religion major and learned that fire and brimstone is not necessary for faith. All of this has left him sure of a higher power --- and very analytical of how religions, specifically the Christian traditions, guide you in spirituality.
I, on the other hand, am a traditional Episcopalian through and through. What I define as traditional maybe seen as "liberal" these days --- the church I grew up didn't care who you slept with as long as you were being true to yourself and your relationship with God. The church I grew up in did not claim that Christianity was the only way --- and certainly didn't make any of the crazy claims about creationism, etc.

Morgan and I have an ongoing dialogue about the simple fact that you can be a Christian without believing that everyone else is going to hell - but as he grew up in the Baptist church and more importantly was involved with Young Life and then to top it off our young adulthood had been ridden with the Christian tradition being used as a tool for hate - it follows that my personal experience doesn't necessarily align with the masses on a day to day basis.

For all of those same reasons I have not been active in Church for 10 years.

Fundamentally, however, we are on the same page. We believe that there is a higher power (Great Spirit) and we believe that many different religions can act as a vehicle to having personal faith. The main difference is that I am comfortable calling myself a Christian/Episcopalian whereas Morgan sees the academic oxymoron in believing that Christianity is not the only way and saying you are a Christian.

When we were driving across the country last summer we talked about how we wanted to raise (then named) Thriller and both decided that we did want to have the community and support provided by a church. But we want to have an open dialogue about what is taught in Church and raise the baby knowing that it is okay to question or disagree with what you learn in Church. - Morgan's only request was that we would spend as many Sundays in the woods or visiting a Buddhist meditation group as we did in Church to expose the baby to different forms of spirituality.

Thriller turned into Raymond and we were presented with planning the baptism. Early on we agreed that we did not want to have it in a church and we wanted it to be outside. We also agreed that we wanted godparents with different spiritual beliefs to support Raymond in his spiritual growth. We had a lot of people offer to be godparents that we love dearly and feel that Raymond has a huge community of support – not just based on who is on the certificate. We are very blessed.

I was not comfortable trying to find a church just to have the baptism – I think it takes some time to find the right fit and didn’t want to just pop in to have Raymond baptized and then realize it wasn’t the place for us. My childhood priest and very close family friend, Father Tubbs, agreed to come from Tennessee to the baptism in the spring and then we relaxed and did not really debate the issue anymore.

At the end of August Mrs. Tubbs sent over a program for review. I looked at it and honestly considered not even showing it to Morgan and I didn’t want to deal with any negativity. But I was a good wife and gave him the copy for review – it was the standard Book of Common Prayer service. His immediate reaction was as I thought … bad. At first he said: “Whatever makes you happy” – I knew it was really bad then as he never says anything even close to that so I pushed him a little more - “I thought we agreed to have a agnostic baptism…” – well baby, by definition a baptism is not agnostic – “There are too many ‘Lord Jesus Christ’ and ‘salvation’ referenced for me in here…”

He finally came down to “I just don’t believe in original sin.” Okay, that is reasonable, I don’t believe in original sin either – nor does my mom, nor does my priest. So Father Tubbs suggested that we redline the service and he would make any edits we were comfortable with … at this point I am feeling pretty lucky as many priests would not give you that opportunity in a sacrament.

A few days pass and I finally sit Morgan down with a red pen and have his go at it. He starts off marking things up on the first pass – then he reads the whole service through and starts to be a little less reactionary and thoughtful. And at the end of it all he decides he likes the service just the way it is.
Father Tubbs did a WONDEFUL job talking about respect for different traditions. I was so pleased to have him come and show Morgan an example of the church I grew up in!

We talked about it this weekend and he said it was perfect, just the way he had wanted it to be. It means so much to me that Morgan the time to consider the service and came to peace with having a baptism. I don’t want to push my faith on Morgan or Raymond. But ultimately it is how I have come to know God, and I do believe that my life has been touched by God … or the Great Spirit … or whatever you want to call the higher power. And I am so happy to have my family share in this tradition.

Saying Goodbye to The Stay at Home Mom Blues

I am certain that this has come across through my various blog posts, but I would like to point out a very real feeling that I have experienced through being at home: The Stay at Home Mom Blues.  Having a child and having the time to be with him full time has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  Morgan has given me a great gift by providing the support for me to be at home with Raymond.  But alas, like any good American, I want more - and have found myself in funk after funk.  I think part of this funkiness is due to feeling a lack of control or autonomy in my life.  I also feel incredible guilty for not contributing financially.  I have been totally torn up trying to find the path out of this self-centered condition so that I can embrace my time with Raymond more. 

Morgan was not able to go to a dear friend's bachelor party the other weekend because we couldn't afford it.  Seeing his disappointment over missing this occasion made me realize more than ever how much he has given up to support and sustain this new phase in our life together.  I was not able to figure out a way to get him to Texas for the party, but I did find the motivation to check out some part time jobs and low and behold, my dream part time position at the top of the first job board I reviewed (after receiving the direction from a good friend). 

I sent off my resume and cover letter the next day and within twenty four hours I had an interview and within a week I had the job.  YAY! YAY! YAY!  During each step of the interview process the job became more and more perfect as I learned about the organization, first it was just part time, then it was part time work from home, then my new boss told me she is a huge believer in breast feeding and wanted me to take time whenever needed to make sure I was able to breast feed as much as Raymond needed... it just keeps getting better. 

I am making far below what someone with my education and experience should, but I couldn't be any happier for all the reasons listed above. 

Most importantly I have appreciated every moment with Raymond so much more as a result of having this job - I think we have achieved attachment and looking forward to having our mother/child relationship grow into a new phase. 

Goodbye Stay at Home Mom Blues!

Do what you want - Yea RIGHT!

Last night we tried a few new things in the Vickery home, mostly focused on trying to get Raymond into a bedtime routine that is not nursing to sleep and getting Mamma to Yoga at 7:00 pm.  Morgan came home early (6:25) to make sure I could get to Yoga and to work on the new Raymond bedtime routine. I had news for him when he arrived - Raymond had his first for real diaper rash. 

You think at nearly 7 months we would have already passed this milestone, but now, out of no where his entire front and back and down his legs were COVERED in the rash, he was screaming in pain when I changed his diaper and used a disposable wipe and couldn't be put down, etc without also suffering.  It was terrible when I realized all of this at 5:00 pm - I even called the doctor (for a diaper rash!) as I was so startled by his suffering.  I was about to talk myself out of my Yoga class to make sure Raymond was okay --- but my internal dialogue took a shift and I decided that Morgan would be fine for 2 hours.  FINE.  And it is just a diaper rash after all...

I had just a few minutes to run down the diaper rash care before running out the door - wash with soap and water and a wash cloth, use a cool wash cloth to make sure all the soap is off, let totally dry and then COVER in zinc based diaper rash cream.  Whatever you do DO NOT USE DISPOSABLE WIPES - and whew, I was out the door.  As we have reusable bamboo wipes in a warmer beside the changing table and all the other necessities I did not think this would be a big deal. 

I had an awesome Hatha Yoga class and was feeling totally restored!  I came home to an empty front room with toys all over the floor and hearing Raymond screaming in his room and went straight to him.  It was actually pretty adorable, he reached for me and said "Mamma" (there were witnesses!) and kissed my face (or tried to suck on my face, either way adorable!) and I went to nurse him to calm him down. 

Morgan came in to finish his dinner and was obviously grumpy.  I asked what was wrong and he said "I just had to deal with a crying baby for 2 hours, I'm in a bad mood."  Okay, I understand this, God knows he has come home to me in a similar state many many times.  Raymond fell asleep and I took him in and put him down in his crib and he automatically woke up screaming I reached down to pick him back up and realized his sheet was freezing and soaking wet.  Morgan forgot to tell me/change the sheet from the wetness associated with the whole diaper area cleaning...

I gave him to Morgan to calm down while I changed the sheet ... and in looking around Raymond's room I discovered many things.  (1) There were clothes on the floor between the dresser and changer (2) the drawers to the dresser were all half way open (3) the disposable wipe container was on the floor (4) there were 3 reusable wipes that were wet on the changing table and on the floor (5) all of the nicely folded clothes in the dresser were tossed around making no sense at all.  I began to realize I must have missed quite an episode. 

While I was straightening up Morgan went back to trying to get Raymond to sleep.  He read him a story in a very flat "I'm so pissed off right" now voice, he walked around with him, he looked at me grumpily and asked if I had any suggestions ... I finally took Raymond back and we went through nursing, walking around, singing songs, etc - I finally thought he might be asleep and got into the shower at 10 but he was still crying until Morgan was finally able to get him to sleep at 10:30. 

As we crawled into bed Morgan's bad mood was really starting to get to me.  I asked him if something else was wrong ... we talked for a while and he finally admitted: "I know this is what you deal with every day - but - I just couldn't do what I wanted to do and take care of Raymond ... none of his toys were interesting, I couldn't get him to stop crying." 

( -He gets major kudos for giving me some props and understanding that my day isn't about what I want to do at ALL with Raymond - )

For all of you moms out there I'm sure you can appreciate that I was tying very hard to be sympathetic and not laugh out loud at this statement.  Really?  You were not able to do what you wanted to do?  You had to adjust all your activities around Raymond? 

We laughed about it this morning and I think Morgan has recovered from 2 hours of not being able to do what he wanted to do.  I hope so anyway, as I plan to go back to the Yoga class next week. 

This comic relief got me through getting up at 12:30, 2:30, 4:30 and 6:30 with Raymond.  Man, it would have been so cool to do what I wanted to do and sleep through the night.

If he only could have looked at the camera and smiled ...

Baby Raymond is the best, brightest and youngest HeadCount volunteer!

I write too much about changes, frustrations and things that I miss or struggle with ... I really use the blog more like a journal than anything else.  It is a good thing my husband does not read it (hehe).  Tonight, however, I would like to reflect on my AWESOME Saturday afternoon/night. 

Morgan and I have volunteered with HeadCount (http://www.headcount.org/) since 2004.  HeadCount is a national, nonpartisan, nonprofit voter registration organization that started in the "jam band" communtity but has since reached out to other genres of music, local events and much more.  Anyway, we've been registering voters at concerts for 6 years now.  After I got pregnant and we moved to North Carolina I took a more "behind the scenes" role and we have both missed being in the field terribly - becuase we miss the civic engagement and miss seeing so much great music!  (Okay, living in Raleigh vs. San Francisco might also have to do with the lack of music ...)

Due to a variety of reasons it looks like I'll be running the Raleigh team until the election on November 2, 2010 - and I must admit I have been seriously jonesing to get into the field for a while.  The Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area is ripe with opportunities to do voter registration and the senate race is very competative this year ... not to mention all of the state politics.  Raleigh is the capital after all.  I see opportunity everywhere and it is hard for me not to jump on it! 

For some time we have been scheduled to work the Jack Johnson/ALO/G Love concert in Raleigh last night - it was planned intially as a big night out doing something we love - but after the tables turned it became something we were responsible for ... which was all well and good until our babysitter canceled for band practice.  We couldn't find a replacement so we took Raymond to the show to work the HeadCount booth and for his first big time concert! 

How much more family friendly can you get then a Jack Johnson show?  How much more nonprofit friendly can you get than a Jack Johnson show? 

Raymond was AMAZING.  We arrived at 3:45 and he hung out with us all afternoon and registered voters without a peep at the booth - and THEN was happy as a lark (with earplugs) to enjoy the show and dance the night away with mommy and daddy in the lawn until 11:30.  He also got to meet Jack Johnson!  There is a photo - but Jack's photographer took it so hopefully I'll get a copy to share. 

Morgan and I totally got to reconnect to an acitvity that is very meaningful for us and have a great day and night!  And while working a show for HeadCount is like putting on your favorite comfortable pair of jeans - doing it with Raymond was new, wonderful and easy. I feel really blessed to have had the expereince and such a wonderful day with my boys!

Its funny that the day to day, family vacations, holidays, etc all present challenges and sometimes frustrations in learning how to do things with Raymond ... but music is easy.  I guess that is becuase it is at the core of our tradition. 

Don't forget to VOTE November 2, 2010!

Vacation and "The Schedule"

As you probably know there are millions of ideas on scheduling your baby - millions.  And somewhere in all that research and literature you're supposed to find your own way for what is right for you and your child.  I have had the luxury of not working, which has in turn given me the chance to be pretty loose on "the schedule." I adhere to the baby-lead schedule philosophy and have created our routine around Raymond rather than creating a routine for him.  I also believe that the security that a routine provides babies can be achieved just in the pattern of the day - not the exact timing. 

The evolution of our schedule has gone something like this -

Newborn: Sleep when baby sleeps, nurse baby on demand, sleep, no sleep, sleep
1-4 Months: 5:30 am wake up, nurse, play, ... sleep ... only real change is that naps became more regular ... and sleeping at least 6 hours at a time at night
5-6 Months: Wake up around 7 or 8, nurse on demand, play play play, nap at 10 ish, "solid" meal at noonish, play play play, nap at 2ish, play - nurse - play - nurse - play OR go to daycare at gym, eat rice cereal at 6 ish, bath, nurse, play, reading time, nurse, sleep by 8:30/9:00

Last week we went to the beach with almost all of Morgan's maternal family - there were approx 25 of us there for the week and it was a serious challenge to the routine.  All of my theory that not being too strict on the schedule would enable us to go on trips/ have changes more easily is, it turns out, total bullshit. 

Breaking up the routine for the family gathering made more work and a lot more frustration for Morgan, Raymond and me.  This is what I learned: (1) There is no such thing as vacation if you're a mom. (2) Dads still find time to do all of their fun vacation activities while mom takes care of the baby.  (3) The family expects you and the baby to be perky, adorable and fun on demand based on what their schedule is. 

I did have lots of loving hands to help with Raymond and over the course of a week I was able to go to the beach three times, once just to jump in, and twice for about an hour to lay out and relax.  Morgan, Raymond and  I went down together twice, the first time Raymond hated it so much I had to come back and take care of him right away while Morgan swam and the second time was perfect, we all sat in the surf and played with the sand and water for a while.  I never got to go swimming in the ocean with Morgan. 

And somewhere in the planning for this vacation I assumed that Morgan would pick up a lot of what I normally do with Raymond - and we would have fun doing it together or I would have a break.  And he tried, he did, but plain and simple, Raymond is my full time job and Morgan can't just take it on or step in like that.  And maybe I shouldn't expect him to - I honestly don't know.  By the end of beach week I learned a lot about what my expectations should be when traveling with Raymond.  Next time I will be better prepared emotionally for what to expect instead of having pipe dreams about relaxing like a non-mom.  Those days are behind me. 

For the past week I have struggled to get us back into any kind of pattern and am totally exhausted - the fact that Raymond has teeth breaking through left and right isn't helping - but I have great hopes that come Monday he'll be more settled into being home and I'll be able to get back to the gym and into having some moments for myself.  Those moments are very important and I now know why many moms cling to "the schedule."

Crawler!

For a month or so it has been coming, any minute.  We've watched Raymond crawl one "step" and then forget how, we've seen him push himself in circle after circle, we've seen him get into "plank" position and onto his knees - but this weekend did it - we now have an all out crawler.

I tear up when I see his new independence - and how happy he is with himself as he makes progress and reached his goals.  I'm frustrated that what he seems to want the most are shoes - and he wants to put them in his mouth!  I'm terrified that we haven't really "baby proofed" yet and even more concerned that the TV is going to fall on top of him (can I rationalize getting a all mounted flat screen for safety?). 

Most of all I can't figure out how to keep up.  The Funky Farmyard isn't big enough, a twin comforter isn't big enough, a king size quilt isn't big enough.  If I look away for a second he is across the room!  I am seriously considering making a "track" that goes around our house and has activity stations along the way to interest him.