Am I still interesting?

In the wake of being so focused on being mom and my love for Raymond I have started to loose parts of myself in other ways.  That is to be expected. Morgan and I have often said that after having Raymond life perspective shifted - we can't really remember not having him or what seemed to be so important in life before having our baby boy.  But this week I am suddenly searching for something interesting about me.  I think it is part of every woman's fear in becoming a mom, or even worse, a housewife (how did that become me!) that they loose a part of their identity.  Between this inevitable sense of identity shift (as I don't really think it is a loss) and my professional void I am freaking out a little.  I do volunteer nonprofit work ~ granted it is for HeadCount and not the Junior League ~ but I am officially a stereotypical housewife.  (Did I mention that I am also learning to play tennis?!?)

I know that this is just part of the phases of self adjustment I should expect with being a new mother.  And I wouldn't trade this time with Raymond for the perfect job, at least until after he starts to walk, after which I will be seriously looking for work as I need to contribute and pay off those student loans for my fancy new MBA.  But for now I am the mommy, the food and comfort source. 

I think what gets me right now is that when my husband looks at me I see his intense appreciation and love for my new role.  He supports me and loves that I love to be with Raymond.  But there is a part of me that wants him to see me just as Tappan again - a well mannered little southern shit talker who can hang with the guys and dance all night long.  I want to see the expression of love and amusement when I am simply me ~ but how can I expect that when I don't know where Tappan is all the time behind the responsibility and focus on Raymond that goes with being mommy.  We have found a babysitter and are looking forward to some date nights in the future and I am afraid that when it is just the two of us I won't be able to find me again and that while we will continue to connect over our little boy and love for this phase in life somehow he will stop connecting with just me.  (Yes that is a run on sentence written in the stream of consciousness style - I feel every teacher I have ever had reading this and am expecting the red marks ... but this is my blog and I am not turning in for a grade so THERE)

But I can't put needing to refine my personal identity on Morgan.  Oh no, that ball is really in my court.  I need to carve out space for my own interests and my own time to continue to grow.  And only then can I find comfort in myself and confidence when I face the world as Tappan the Mommy, Tappan the Homemaker.