Trying NOT to Judge or be Judged

If you know me you know that I can be completely judgemental.  It is one of my worst qualities.  Often I have to talk myself out of judgement before re-entering social situations.  Throughout pregnancy and in becoming a mother I have had to face my terrible judgemental nature of others as I watched/watch people judge me for decisions Morgan and I are making.  There is nothing more personal that how you decide to carry, deliver and raise your child. 

However, I constantly find myself challenged. I look at other people's decisions and really think that if they only knew what I knew from all the reading a prep that we did they would make better decisions.  I can even make that sound good: I think that parents should all be better educated on pregnancy, delivery, toxicology, nutrition/breast feeding and development to make the best decisions for their family and child.  Although, behind that statement I am still thinking, then they would do what we are doing.

Last weekend we were in Vienna with Morgan's family and I knew my decisions were being judged twice.  The first time when Raymond's great grandmother asked what he was eating and I advised that we were still on a breast milk only diet.  She looked at my mother in law and said something along the lines of "they feed them so much later now." The second time when Morgan and I were discussing a trip next January and my mother in law said "oh well you can leave him with us, he'll almost be a year, you won't still be breast feeding."  When I advised that in fact I am planning on still breast feeding at that time she sounded surprised with a simple "Oh you will?"  Neither of these fine and generously loving ladies would ever say they thought I was wrong in either of these decisions - it is much more of a that is not how we did it sort of feeling.  There are countless articles in parenting magazines and baby books about how to address the generational divide between current research on child rearing and wisdom passed down through the ages.  I am blessed to not be challenged by either of their statements as I know they love us and trust the decisions we are making, but nonetheless I want to explain.  I want to send studies and links and personal stories that justify why we are right in the decisions we are making for Raymond. But I know that is not the way to be.  I just have to walk away - and know that if anyone ever asks I have a whole arsenal of literature to share. 

Besides my nature and need to be right, I think a lot of my personal struggle with judgement is centered on my feverish need to be certain that we are doing everything right, that we are being the best possible parents, that Raymond has the best possible care and advantage we can give.  There are regular pauses in my day during which I step back and remember that the most important thing we can give Raymond is simply love - not breast milk or sensory development toys.  Just love. The rest is all gravy.  I know that.  I know that for other families too.

Babysitter.

I hate being away from Raymond.  Plain and simple, but as I mentioned in my last entry I need to be making some space for myself too.  We have been out a few times and always had a family member babysit Raymond. A couple of weeks ago, however, we decided we wanted to find someone regular so that we could do "date nights" as well as going to see some music - and now with Morgan working if I need to do something baby free during the day we also need someone to sit for Raymond.  I signed up for a trial with an online service shortly after our conversation and after several online profiles and some rather odd messages from people I was feeling pretty desperate and freaked out.  Okay, really freaked out.  I don't care if the service does background checks, I still can't stomach finding a babysitter online. 

Then Morgan walks in the door after a round of disc golf where he has met a great new babysitter who is friends with our friends and is looking for regular babysitting.  WHEW.  She came over to meet me and played with Raymond and instantly I knew we had found the perfect fit!

So today I had our dream babysitter come over so I could run some mommy errands and to make sure it was all okay while I was just running around as compared to being in a movie or at a concert when it would be harder to connect.  Everything was perfect.  Raymond was totally happy and the babysitter did a great job.

I, on the other hand, went through a mild personal breakdown in Target when I started judging myself for missing moments with my baby.  I had to come home and breastfeed mid-errands and just make sure everything was alright.  I think it will be easier next time, and am sure it will be easier when Morgan and I are doing something together as opposed to me just trying to have some me time. 

Am I still interesting?

In the wake of being so focused on being mom and my love for Raymond I have started to loose parts of myself in other ways.  That is to be expected. Morgan and I have often said that after having Raymond life perspective shifted - we can't really remember not having him or what seemed to be so important in life before having our baby boy.  But this week I am suddenly searching for something interesting about me.  I think it is part of every woman's fear in becoming a mom, or even worse, a housewife (how did that become me!) that they loose a part of their identity.  Between this inevitable sense of identity shift (as I don't really think it is a loss) and my professional void I am freaking out a little.  I do volunteer nonprofit work ~ granted it is for HeadCount and not the Junior League ~ but I am officially a stereotypical housewife.  (Did I mention that I am also learning to play tennis?!?)

I know that this is just part of the phases of self adjustment I should expect with being a new mother.  And I wouldn't trade this time with Raymond for the perfect job, at least until after he starts to walk, after which I will be seriously looking for work as I need to contribute and pay off those student loans for my fancy new MBA.  But for now I am the mommy, the food and comfort source. 

I think what gets me right now is that when my husband looks at me I see his intense appreciation and love for my new role.  He supports me and loves that I love to be with Raymond.  But there is a part of me that wants him to see me just as Tappan again - a well mannered little southern shit talker who can hang with the guys and dance all night long.  I want to see the expression of love and amusement when I am simply me ~ but how can I expect that when I don't know where Tappan is all the time behind the responsibility and focus on Raymond that goes with being mommy.  We have found a babysitter and are looking forward to some date nights in the future and I am afraid that when it is just the two of us I won't be able to find me again and that while we will continue to connect over our little boy and love for this phase in life somehow he will stop connecting with just me.  (Yes that is a run on sentence written in the stream of consciousness style - I feel every teacher I have ever had reading this and am expecting the red marks ... but this is my blog and I am not turning in for a grade so THERE)

But I can't put needing to refine my personal identity on Morgan.  Oh no, that ball is really in my court.  I need to carve out space for my own interests and my own time to continue to grow.  And only then can I find comfort in myself and confidence when I face the world as Tappan the Mommy, Tappan the Homemaker.

100% Mom

I haven't had a steady job since May of 2008.  Wow.  That is crazy. Previously I had worked without a break from age 14 to 27.  To be fair, I was finishing business school until May of 2009.  Between December 2008 and May of 2009 I applied for over a hundred jobs in the Bay Area and got ONE call back for a pyramid scheme.  I did some consulting work and plan to do more.  And I have taken over the role of national Volunteer Coordinator for HeadCount - a volunteer job that I truly love and want to put more time into as it is.  But due to our move and my pregnancy I did not secure work before I had Raymond.  My plan was to wait until he was 5 or 6 months and get a job because I love to work, have a new MBA to use and I need to start paying back my over $100,000 in student loans.  But, as time has passed it has become more and more evident that I want to be with my child.  Now I want to stay at home until he is a year and work on trying to build up more consulting work. 

Morgan has supported me in so many ways - first to quit working in the first place so I could focus on school, which was amazing.  Then to move across the country and take a "promotion" even though it wasn't the best fit for him professionally to give us a better life.  After he quit his job in late April and I started frantically applying for new jobs in North Carolina to tell me not to - as he wants Raymond to have his mommy and that he would find work to support us comfortably so I could be at home as long as I want.  This week Morgan started his new job, which does afford us that comfort (less my student loans which are just going to have to be deferred for a little bit longer). 

Not to mention the fact that because of his work from home status with SunPower and then brief period of unemployment I have really had a partner in parenting.  Getting up early, letting me sleep in, playing with Raymond so I could take a bath and relax or run errands.  Treating me to Saturday morning tennis lessons so I could get out of the house for some real "me" time once a week. He has done it all.  I am spoiled.  Totally spoiled. 

This week, with Morgan's new work routine, I am 100% mommy all day long.  It surprises me that my arms are sore as I felt like I had Raymond most of the time anyway.  And, I have to admit that while I am seriously missing Morgan during the day, I am loving the alone time with Raymond.  Focusing completely on him rather than sharing him with Morgan is awesome.  I feel so in tune with all his little smiles and cuddles and play time.  I feel like I have gone from simply being the food and comfort source to being the playmate too.  I am seeing all the developmental and emotional LEAPS again. I am so blessed to have this time and will continue to soak it up as long as I can.  I love being 100% mom, thank you Morgan for giving this time to me! 

Letting Go

We had a wonderful family weekend in Nashville.  My good friend Kat was married on Saturday and we made the trip for the celebrations.  My mom came up from Huntsville to babysit for the weekend so we could let loose a bit.  Mom ROCKED. On Friday we went to the rehearsal dinner and returned to find Raymond totally happy and entertained by mom and the Tubbs, some good family friends.  We came back to the hotel for me to nurse and put Raymond to bed - and then went to a bar around the corner.  However, when it came time to go someplace new, I couldn't stomach being a whole 16 blocks/cab ride away from the hotel in case Raymond needed me - so I went home at midnight.  Really, how lame is that?  I was too worried to go farther away!  With the perfect set up!  Morgan was able to stay out until 4 AM rock it - but I had to be close to our little man.

On Saturday Mom, Raymond, Morgan and I went to the wedding together and once it got dark Mom took Raymond back to the hotel.  I had a really hard time with this because we were relying on a shuttle to take us home and we were 45 minutes out of town and I knew I wouldn't be able to just hop home in case he needed me.  But I let go - slowly.  And after he left finally let myself have a much needed drink.  But once again when we got back into town I came home and went to bed - not because I was too tired or didn't want to stay out with my people - but because I felt the need to be where Raymond was in case something happened.  Once again, Morgan had NO PROBLEM staying out until (cough cough) 6 AM.

On Sunday I was like OK, next trip I stay out late and you stay closer to home with Raymond.  And Morgan's response was totally true, there is no way I can do it when Raymond is around.  I can't let go that much - can't let myself drink to much or be so far away that I can't get to him if needed.  I mean seriously, I had my mother and a fridge full of pumped milk.  I could have easily raged.  But I couldn't do it. 

I have often been the last girl standing - usually long after my husband has passed out.  I need to think that when appropriate I can still pull that off - but when/how?  Have I permanently changed? 

Baby Signs

We have several friends who have taught their babies sign language as a form of expression before they could speak.  There are a few theories on how to do it - Morgan and I have used a simple approach so far, introducing only the signs for mommy, daddy and milk. 

We had some good advice, first from my best friend Jane, who said "Don't teach them MORE - there is nothing more annoying than having a kid sign 'MORE' but then can't follow it up with what they want more of!"  That is why we are teaching milk, and not more.

Morgan has been very good about using the daddy sign when he talks to Raymond, and a could of weeks ago Raymond started putting his had on his forehead, but he hasn't quite been able to get it right because he doesn't seem to have consciousness about what kind of shape his hand is in ...  nonetheless, last weekend when my mom was in town Raymond did make his version of the daddy sign to explicitly ask for Morgan.  WOW.  That is all I could think.  WOW.  HE DID IT.  And of course I took him to Morgan (who was in the process of cooking a gourmet Mother's Day Weekend Dinner for us!). 

This experience left me proud as I could be - I really do think Raymond is exceptionally bright and perfect.  Okay, now I sound like one of those moms, but really I can't help it.

Today, however, a new kind of excitement came when Raymond looked directly at me and made the mommy sign for the first time, with his hand perfectly open and everything.  I am a big puddle of gooey melted mommy pride and love as a result.  I really have no idea how much of what he is doing with the signs is based on actual cognative function or if he is just following our lead.  Either way he is developing so well by leaps and bounds and I have to say that I am damn proud of the job we are doing. 

Not to mention the fact that he also just rolled over for the first time ... however, I am not sure that counts as he is asleep and didn't know that he was doing it.  At least I know he can now, right?

Hello BLOG, have you missed me?

I had great expectations that after Raymond was born I would use this blog to regularly keep track of his life and milestones.  However, I have barely used it and honestly find it flat whenever I try to write just about Raymond.  I can't seem to put words together to explain how awesome it is to sit and talk with him for 30 minutes, or about how each new sound makes my heart melt.  How can you explain what it feels like to have your child sound out their first S or D noises?  But I have found that I have missed having the blog as a resource for myself.  So, I have decided to revamp and write about my experiences as a new mother - I am sure Raymond will find his way into blog just the same.