This has been a hard week of mothering. Raymond cut his first two bottom teeth at 17 weeks with mild fussiness and barely any crying. One night we was just wired at like 3 am and I stayed up with him for a couple of hours playing and the next morning there was one tooth, the following morning the second one arrived. Since then we have had a little break from teething mania, until this week. No new teeth have appeared YET, but they are very close and my little boy hurts. I hate it. And as he has really not been a crier thus far, I am totally caught off guard by the amount of crying and lack of sleep that is going on every day.
To top it off I have went to the dentist and had a serious teeth cleaning that left my mouth in a lot of pain and I went to the dermatologist and had two moles removed.
I was feeling a little frustrated and when speaking with my brother in law this week about being a little off he pointed out the obvious - I did have pieces of me cut out this week! Philip is undergoing acupuncture treatment for chronic back problems right now and of course he would be enlightened enough to point out the freaking obvious - my Chi is totally out of wack.
I have had very successful acupuncture treatments over the course of my adult life and believe wholeheartedly in the theory behind it - and often when I can't get to a treatment try visualization meditation to balance out my Chi. I was even working in that mindset through pregnancy and delivery. But since I have had Raymond I have not had a moment to think about my internal energy flow.
I have joked a few times that as a mom I no longer have the luxury of being sick or having a "Dude" day. And I am happy with this change. All I've needed to keep myself going since I had Raymond is a shower. As long as I could have 5 to 15 minutes of hot water to wash off the spit up, etc I'm okay. Or at least that is what I have been going on - but this week I have realized that this Mamma might need a little more. I need to get my Chi back in order to be able to keep going - to be the best mom I can be and not get too run down.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Can I still be "green" and shop at Target?
The only Gandhi quote I know off hand is very trendy these days - but a good quote nonetheless: "Be the change you want to see in the world." I love this quote and its sentiment - and while it closely mirrors the Golden Rule, I feel it is more expansive in not only covering the way you treat other people, but the way you live within the whole world. Thoreau also touched me in Walden: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined!" The later quote inspired my senior philosophy thesis and was a reading at our wedding in 2007. Clearly the idea of living with intention is central to the value system Morgan and I embrace and will expose Raymond to ~ it will be up to him to live how he sees fit.
Morgan and I fight against mainstream American consumer culture to make decisions that have the smallest carbon footprint possible in an effort to "be the change" in our environment. Ultimately we believe in living simply in local economies with less consumption. That is a very loaded series of goals, however, and I am faltering with the dreaded big box store.
Since moving to Raleigh I have rediscovered the convenience and value of Target. I have to admit, I REALLY look forward to getting to go to Target. It is one of my favorite air-conditioned outings. In the six years we lived in San Francisco I went to Target a total of 5 times and I remember them all vividly. There it was easier and cheaper considering the price of gas to shop at Cole Hardware or on Clement Street and not drive OUT of the city to go to Target. Here, Target is less than 2 miles from my house.
However, every time I come home from Target my dear husband gives me the slightest look of disapproval in my shopping choice. And maybe some back handed comments about me shopping there from time to time. One of the qualities I love about Morgan is that he always challenges others and himself to be more thoughtful in their actions by playing the devil's advocate - so I can't complain too much about his Target trash talk. But after a recent confrontation about it I am reflecting on my consumerism and the example I am setting for Raymond.
I have broken my choice to shop at Target down within "the change I want to see in the world" into two categories - first, the benefit of distribution of "green" products to the mainstream and second, the harm to local economy.
Target is a pretty damn good employer, corporate citizen and friend of the environment. And currently Target has the best price on 7th Generation household products in my area. So, when I need cleaning supplies, dish soap, laundry detergent I can buy the brand that is very "green" at Target and save 25% from the prices at Whole Foods, other local retailers and even more from ordering online. Target also sells a full collection of several other brands of "green" household products at a lower price than other local retailers. As such the mainstream consumer can walk into Target and be presented with easy, low cost green options. The benefit of getting these biodegradable, green - i.e. bleach, phosphate and other chemical free - products into widespread use is incredibly important to our environmental and personal health.
In business school I did a lot of research on effective ways to market green products and services, and to no surprise the most successful brands do not lead with their positive environmental impacts. Rather, to be embraced by the consumer something that is "green" needs to present a value proposition that saves money or is healthier - just being good for our world isn't enough to sell to the mainstream. It also needs to be EASY to buy and COST competitive. While the various brands have to earn credibility, distribution through Target is definitely easy and cost competitive, achieving half of the equation! I am 100% behind mainstream distribution that takes green products out of the niche.
(Note: I could also make Wal-Mart sound good as they have one of the most efficient distribution networks in the world, are covering their rooftops in solar and offer one of the nation's largest assortment of organic foods. However, as I know the first two points alone save then enough money to provide all their employees the most stellar benefits in the country, which they do not do, and their organic food selection is all factory farm organic that only became available after the FDA lowered organic standards a few years a go, and moreover they still top the world's top ten list for child labor violators. As such, I haven't shopped in a Wal-Mart in some time for anything other than emergency trips to their vision department to get contacts.)
Target is a national retailer and most definitely effects local shops. We've all heard the stores and seen the documentaries about general stores in middle America closing down due to big box operations. We know that the lower cost products are often made abroad (the dreaded made in China) and as a result not only are domestic retailers effected but so are domestic manufactures. It sucks.
If I could have the real change I want to see in the world we would step back into a world of local storefronts. And to really step out of the box I would like to see fewer options, and have the options offered to consumers have higher quality and less mass distribution of crap. But I am not sure we can really go all the way back there to the totally local marketplace in our global economy with Internet shopping. Consumers wants choice and value on demand, and I am certain that driving to a big store and finding what you want in person and taking in home has its own value in efficiency.
And I have to boast that Target and REI are pretty much the only non-local retailers where our family regularly shops. We do the best we can to support local EVERYTHING. And I think we are able to pay a premium to shop locally because I save our family money by buying household products, toothpaste, etc at Target.
Surely this also sets a positive example for Raymond? Surely shopping at Target does not make me the cause of faltering local economies? I believe I am still causing some positive change with the choices I make.
Or maybe I have just folded under the American culture for easy, cheap shopping like a house democrat selling out universal heath care for the next best reasonable option. There is always a judgement someone can make, even if you're making a good thoughtful decision.
Morgan and I fight against mainstream American consumer culture to make decisions that have the smallest carbon footprint possible in an effort to "be the change" in our environment. Ultimately we believe in living simply in local economies with less consumption. That is a very loaded series of goals, however, and I am faltering with the dreaded big box store.
Since moving to Raleigh I have rediscovered the convenience and value of Target. I have to admit, I REALLY look forward to getting to go to Target. It is one of my favorite air-conditioned outings. In the six years we lived in San Francisco I went to Target a total of 5 times and I remember them all vividly. There it was easier and cheaper considering the price of gas to shop at Cole Hardware or on Clement Street and not drive OUT of the city to go to Target. Here, Target is less than 2 miles from my house.
However, every time I come home from Target my dear husband gives me the slightest look of disapproval in my shopping choice. And maybe some back handed comments about me shopping there from time to time. One of the qualities I love about Morgan is that he always challenges others and himself to be more thoughtful in their actions by playing the devil's advocate - so I can't complain too much about his Target trash talk. But after a recent confrontation about it I am reflecting on my consumerism and the example I am setting for Raymond.
I have broken my choice to shop at Target down within "the change I want to see in the world" into two categories - first, the benefit of distribution of "green" products to the mainstream and second, the harm to local economy.
Target is a pretty damn good employer, corporate citizen and friend of the environment. And currently Target has the best price on 7th Generation household products in my area. So, when I need cleaning supplies, dish soap, laundry detergent I can buy the brand that is very "green" at Target and save 25% from the prices at Whole Foods, other local retailers and even more from ordering online. Target also sells a full collection of several other brands of "green" household products at a lower price than other local retailers. As such the mainstream consumer can walk into Target and be presented with easy, low cost green options. The benefit of getting these biodegradable, green - i.e. bleach, phosphate and other chemical free - products into widespread use is incredibly important to our environmental and personal health.
In business school I did a lot of research on effective ways to market green products and services, and to no surprise the most successful brands do not lead with their positive environmental impacts. Rather, to be embraced by the consumer something that is "green" needs to present a value proposition that saves money or is healthier - just being good for our world isn't enough to sell to the mainstream. It also needs to be EASY to buy and COST competitive. While the various brands have to earn credibility, distribution through Target is definitely easy and cost competitive, achieving half of the equation! I am 100% behind mainstream distribution that takes green products out of the niche.
(Note: I could also make Wal-Mart sound good as they have one of the most efficient distribution networks in the world, are covering their rooftops in solar and offer one of the nation's largest assortment of organic foods. However, as I know the first two points alone save then enough money to provide all their employees the most stellar benefits in the country, which they do not do, and their organic food selection is all factory farm organic that only became available after the FDA lowered organic standards a few years a go, and moreover they still top the world's top ten list for child labor violators. As such, I haven't shopped in a Wal-Mart in some time for anything other than emergency trips to their vision department to get contacts.)
Target is a national retailer and most definitely effects local shops. We've all heard the stores and seen the documentaries about general stores in middle America closing down due to big box operations. We know that the lower cost products are often made abroad (the dreaded made in China) and as a result not only are domestic retailers effected but so are domestic manufactures. It sucks.
If I could have the real change I want to see in the world we would step back into a world of local storefronts. And to really step out of the box I would like to see fewer options, and have the options offered to consumers have higher quality and less mass distribution of crap. But I am not sure we can really go all the way back there to the totally local marketplace in our global economy with Internet shopping. Consumers wants choice and value on demand, and I am certain that driving to a big store and finding what you want in person and taking in home has its own value in efficiency.
And I have to boast that Target and REI are pretty much the only non-local retailers where our family regularly shops. We do the best we can to support local EVERYTHING. And I think we are able to pay a premium to shop locally because I save our family money by buying household products, toothpaste, etc at Target.
Surely this also sets a positive example for Raymond? Surely shopping at Target does not make me the cause of faltering local economies? I believe I am still causing some positive change with the choices I make.
Or maybe I have just folded under the American culture for easy, cheap shopping like a house democrat selling out universal heath care for the next best reasonable option. There is always a judgement someone can make, even if you're making a good thoughtful decision.
FEVER
At the end of April Raymond got his first cold on the way back from California I was shocked and thought that somehow my breast milk was failing as all the literature makes it sound like if you breast feed your baby will never get sick. Then I blamed myself for being distracted and not covering the entire plane in hand sanitizer on the way home. Even though the cold lasted over a week, he never had a fever, just a cough that broke my heart! The cold ran its course and our little man recovered nicely.
Then came the first fever in May. I noticed about mid day that he was feeling a little warm, but I didn't really trust myself to be sure. Since having Raymond and due to breast feeding my body temperature is way higher than it used to be. But at dinner that night cousin Drew was holding Raymond during dinner and also noticed that Raymond was very warm. We immediately took his temperature in his armpit and it was 103.5 degrees. We then followed it up by taking the rectal temperature as the armpit reading was so high and it was over 105 degrees. I was terrified! That sounds so incredibly high! My gut reaction was to RUN to the ER - which of course would be the worst thing I could possibly do to Raymond -
Luckily Drew is a veteran dad and was able to be very helpful and responsive. While Morgan was calling the nurse line for the pediatrician Drew called Carol, our family baby nurse, and she calmed me down. The most important part of what she said being that as long as I trust Raymond's doctor we were going to be fine. The nurse on call advised to make sure he was getting plenty of fluids, give him generic Tylenol (not to use the name brand as it was very close to the recall), strip him down to minimal clothes and go to the doctor in the morning. She said if it did not go down or peaked close to 107 degrees to call back. This whole time I am thinking 107! Are you kidding! Won't that kill someone! But my mom reminded me that baby's get really high temperatures and it is okay. We followed the nurses' advise and Raymond's temperature dropped down - although I couldn't get it below 100 all night.
This particular night we were having a nice meal and Morgan was planning on bottle feeding Raymond so I could enjoy some wine. I was about 2 1/2 glasses in when we realized he had a fever! The most important thing you can do is to nurse and get the baby hydrated and I was totally blocked from being able to do that for a couple of hours. I started pounding water while Morgan tried to give him the bottle. Raymond was seriously resisting the bottle (as usual) and I felt terrible!
I was up most of the night and had Raymond in the doctor's office when it opened at 7:00 am for "walk-in" hours for sick children. (Note: if you are looking for a pediatrician I highly recommend making sure the office has a good walk-in period for occasions like this. It was awesome not to even have to call or worry, I could just GO!) After a full exam we learned that Raymond simply had a virus - a virus that needed to run its course.
All of the baby health and prep books I read did not prepare me at all for the fear and worry that came with the first fever! But I learned a lot. Raymond has has two subsequent fevers since this experience. One after his second round of shots - the day after the shots he just moaned and moaned and had a little fever. This is to be expected. And again over the past two days he has been running slightly under 100 - also to be expected as he is teething. I hate that he doesn't feel well but I am not experiencing the frantic worry or personal blame that accompanied the first fever at all. I am not even giving him Tylenol as it has not broken 100 and I don't want to over medicate. I am nursing like crazy but that is good for both of us.
Then came the first fever in May. I noticed about mid day that he was feeling a little warm, but I didn't really trust myself to be sure. Since having Raymond and due to breast feeding my body temperature is way higher than it used to be. But at dinner that night cousin Drew was holding Raymond during dinner and also noticed that Raymond was very warm. We immediately took his temperature in his armpit and it was 103.5 degrees. We then followed it up by taking the rectal temperature as the armpit reading was so high and it was over 105 degrees. I was terrified! That sounds so incredibly high! My gut reaction was to RUN to the ER - which of course would be the worst thing I could possibly do to Raymond -
Luckily Drew is a veteran dad and was able to be very helpful and responsive. While Morgan was calling the nurse line for the pediatrician Drew called Carol, our family baby nurse, and she calmed me down. The most important part of what she said being that as long as I trust Raymond's doctor we were going to be fine. The nurse on call advised to make sure he was getting plenty of fluids, give him generic Tylenol (not to use the name brand as it was very close to the recall), strip him down to minimal clothes and go to the doctor in the morning. She said if it did not go down or peaked close to 107 degrees to call back. This whole time I am thinking 107! Are you kidding! Won't that kill someone! But my mom reminded me that baby's get really high temperatures and it is okay. We followed the nurses' advise and Raymond's temperature dropped down - although I couldn't get it below 100 all night.
This particular night we were having a nice meal and Morgan was planning on bottle feeding Raymond so I could enjoy some wine. I was about 2 1/2 glasses in when we realized he had a fever! The most important thing you can do is to nurse and get the baby hydrated and I was totally blocked from being able to do that for a couple of hours. I started pounding water while Morgan tried to give him the bottle. Raymond was seriously resisting the bottle (as usual) and I felt terrible!
I was up most of the night and had Raymond in the doctor's office when it opened at 7:00 am for "walk-in" hours for sick children. (Note: if you are looking for a pediatrician I highly recommend making sure the office has a good walk-in period for occasions like this. It was awesome not to even have to call or worry, I could just GO!) After a full exam we learned that Raymond simply had a virus - a virus that needed to run its course.
All of the baby health and prep books I read did not prepare me at all for the fear and worry that came with the first fever! But I learned a lot. Raymond has has two subsequent fevers since this experience. One after his second round of shots - the day after the shots he just moaned and moaned and had a little fever. This is to be expected. And again over the past two days he has been running slightly under 100 - also to be expected as he is teething. I hate that he doesn't feel well but I am not experiencing the frantic worry or personal blame that accompanied the first fever at all. I am not even giving him Tylenol as it has not broken 100 and I don't want to over medicate. I am nursing like crazy but that is good for both of us.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Trying NOT to Judge or be Judged
If you know me you know that I can be completely judgemental. It is one of my worst qualities. Often I have to talk myself out of judgement before re-entering social situations. Throughout pregnancy and in becoming a mother I have had to face my terrible judgemental nature of others as I watched/watch people judge me for decisions Morgan and I are making. There is nothing more personal that how you decide to carry, deliver and raise your child.
However, I constantly find myself challenged. I look at other people's decisions and really think that if they only knew what I knew from all the reading a prep that we did they would make better decisions. I can even make that sound good: I think that parents should all be better educated on pregnancy, delivery, toxicology, nutrition/breast feeding and development to make the best decisions for their family and child. Although, behind that statement I am still thinking, then they would do what we are doing.
Last weekend we were in Vienna with Morgan's family and I knew my decisions were being judged twice. The first time when Raymond's great grandmother asked what he was eating and I advised that we were still on a breast milk only diet. She looked at my mother in law and said something along the lines of "they feed them so much later now." The second time when Morgan and I were discussing a trip next January and my mother in law said "oh well you can leave him with us, he'll almost be a year, you won't still be breast feeding." When I advised that in fact I am planning on still breast feeding at that time she sounded surprised with a simple "Oh you will?" Neither of these fine and generously loving ladies would ever say they thought I was wrong in either of these decisions - it is much more of a that is not how we did it sort of feeling. There are countless articles in parenting magazines and baby books about how to address the generational divide between current research on child rearing and wisdom passed down through the ages. I am blessed to not be challenged by either of their statements as I know they love us and trust the decisions we are making, but nonetheless I want to explain. I want to send studies and links and personal stories that justify why we are right in the decisions we are making for Raymond. But I know that is not the way to be. I just have to walk away - and know that if anyone ever asks I have a whole arsenal of literature to share.
Besides my nature and need to be right, I think a lot of my personal struggle with judgement is centered on my feverish need to be certain that we are doing everything right, that we are being the best possible parents, that Raymond has the best possible care and advantage we can give. There are regular pauses in my day during which I step back and remember that the most important thing we can give Raymond is simply love - not breast milk or sensory development toys. Just love. The rest is all gravy. I know that. I know that for other families too.
However, I constantly find myself challenged. I look at other people's decisions and really think that if they only knew what I knew from all the reading a prep that we did they would make better decisions. I can even make that sound good: I think that parents should all be better educated on pregnancy, delivery, toxicology, nutrition/breast feeding and development to make the best decisions for their family and child. Although, behind that statement I am still thinking, then they would do what we are doing.
Last weekend we were in Vienna with Morgan's family and I knew my decisions were being judged twice. The first time when Raymond's great grandmother asked what he was eating and I advised that we were still on a breast milk only diet. She looked at my mother in law and said something along the lines of "they feed them so much later now." The second time when Morgan and I were discussing a trip next January and my mother in law said "oh well you can leave him with us, he'll almost be a year, you won't still be breast feeding." When I advised that in fact I am planning on still breast feeding at that time she sounded surprised with a simple "Oh you will?" Neither of these fine and generously loving ladies would ever say they thought I was wrong in either of these decisions - it is much more of a that is not how we did it sort of feeling. There are countless articles in parenting magazines and baby books about how to address the generational divide between current research on child rearing and wisdom passed down through the ages. I am blessed to not be challenged by either of their statements as I know they love us and trust the decisions we are making, but nonetheless I want to explain. I want to send studies and links and personal stories that justify why we are right in the decisions we are making for Raymond. But I know that is not the way to be. I just have to walk away - and know that if anyone ever asks I have a whole arsenal of literature to share.
Besides my nature and need to be right, I think a lot of my personal struggle with judgement is centered on my feverish need to be certain that we are doing everything right, that we are being the best possible parents, that Raymond has the best possible care and advantage we can give. There are regular pauses in my day during which I step back and remember that the most important thing we can give Raymond is simply love - not breast milk or sensory development toys. Just love. The rest is all gravy. I know that. I know that for other families too.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Babysitter.
I hate being away from Raymond. Plain and simple, but as I mentioned in my last entry I need to be making some space for myself too. We have been out a few times and always had a family member babysit Raymond. A couple of weeks ago, however, we decided we wanted to find someone regular so that we could do "date nights" as well as going to see some music - and now with Morgan working if I need to do something baby free during the day we also need someone to sit for Raymond. I signed up for a trial with an online service shortly after our conversation and after several online profiles and some rather odd messages from people I was feeling pretty desperate and freaked out. Okay, really freaked out. I don't care if the service does background checks, I still can't stomach finding a babysitter online.
Then Morgan walks in the door after a round of disc golf where he has met a great new babysitter who is friends with our friends and is looking for regular babysitting. WHEW. She came over to meet me and played with Raymond and instantly I knew we had found the perfect fit!
So today I had our dream babysitter come over so I could run some mommy errands and to make sure it was all okay while I was just running around as compared to being in a movie or at a concert when it would be harder to connect. Everything was perfect. Raymond was totally happy and the babysitter did a great job.
I, on the other hand, went through a mild personal breakdown in Target when I started judging myself for missing moments with my baby. I had to come home and breastfeed mid-errands and just make sure everything was alright. I think it will be easier next time, and am sure it will be easier when Morgan and I are doing something together as opposed to me just trying to have some me time.
Then Morgan walks in the door after a round of disc golf where he has met a great new babysitter who is friends with our friends and is looking for regular babysitting. WHEW. She came over to meet me and played with Raymond and instantly I knew we had found the perfect fit!
So today I had our dream babysitter come over so I could run some mommy errands and to make sure it was all okay while I was just running around as compared to being in a movie or at a concert when it would be harder to connect. Everything was perfect. Raymond was totally happy and the babysitter did a great job.
I, on the other hand, went through a mild personal breakdown in Target when I started judging myself for missing moments with my baby. I had to come home and breastfeed mid-errands and just make sure everything was alright. I think it will be easier next time, and am sure it will be easier when Morgan and I are doing something together as opposed to me just trying to have some me time.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Am I still interesting?
In the wake of being so focused on being mom and my love for Raymond I have started to loose parts of myself in other ways. That is to be expected. Morgan and I have often said that after having Raymond life perspective shifted - we can't really remember not having him or what seemed to be so important in life before having our baby boy. But this week I am suddenly searching for something interesting about me. I think it is part of every woman's fear in becoming a mom, or even worse, a housewife (how did that become me!) that they loose a part of their identity. Between this inevitable sense of identity shift (as I don't really think it is a loss) and my professional void I am freaking out a little. I do volunteer nonprofit work ~ granted it is for HeadCount and not the Junior League ~ but I am officially a stereotypical housewife. (Did I mention that I am also learning to play tennis?!?)
I know that this is just part of the phases of self adjustment I should expect with being a new mother. And I wouldn't trade this time with Raymond for the perfect job, at least until after he starts to walk, after which I will be seriously looking for work as I need to contribute and pay off those student loans for my fancy new MBA. But for now I am the mommy, the food and comfort source.
I think what gets me right now is that when my husband looks at me I see his intense appreciation and love for my new role. He supports me and loves that I love to be with Raymond. But there is a part of me that wants him to see me just as Tappan again - a well mannered little southern shit talker who can hang with the guys and dance all night long. I want to see the expression of love and amusement when I am simply me ~ but how can I expect that when I don't know where Tappan is all the time behind the responsibility and focus on Raymond that goes with being mommy. We have found a babysitter and are looking forward to some date nights in the future and I am afraid that when it is just the two of us I won't be able to find me again and that while we will continue to connect over our little boy and love for this phase in life somehow he will stop connecting with just me. (Yes that is a run on sentence written in the stream of consciousness style - I feel every teacher I have ever had reading this and am expecting the red marks ... but this is my blog and I am not turning in for a grade so THERE)
But I can't put needing to refine my personal identity on Morgan. Oh no, that ball is really in my court. I need to carve out space for my own interests and my own time to continue to grow. And only then can I find comfort in myself and confidence when I face the world as Tappan the Mommy, Tappan the Homemaker.
I know that this is just part of the phases of self adjustment I should expect with being a new mother. And I wouldn't trade this time with Raymond for the perfect job, at least until after he starts to walk, after which I will be seriously looking for work as I need to contribute and pay off those student loans for my fancy new MBA. But for now I am the mommy, the food and comfort source.
I think what gets me right now is that when my husband looks at me I see his intense appreciation and love for my new role. He supports me and loves that I love to be with Raymond. But there is a part of me that wants him to see me just as Tappan again - a well mannered little southern shit talker who can hang with the guys and dance all night long. I want to see the expression of love and amusement when I am simply me ~ but how can I expect that when I don't know where Tappan is all the time behind the responsibility and focus on Raymond that goes with being mommy. We have found a babysitter and are looking forward to some date nights in the future and I am afraid that when it is just the two of us I won't be able to find me again and that while we will continue to connect over our little boy and love for this phase in life somehow he will stop connecting with just me. (Yes that is a run on sentence written in the stream of consciousness style - I feel every teacher I have ever had reading this and am expecting the red marks ... but this is my blog and I am not turning in for a grade so THERE)
But I can't put needing to refine my personal identity on Morgan. Oh no, that ball is really in my court. I need to carve out space for my own interests and my own time to continue to grow. And only then can I find comfort in myself and confidence when I face the world as Tappan the Mommy, Tappan the Homemaker.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
100% Mom
I haven't had a steady job since May of 2008. Wow. That is crazy. Previously I had worked without a break from age 14 to 27. To be fair, I was finishing business school until May of 2009. Between December 2008 and May of 2009 I applied for over a hundred jobs in the Bay Area and got ONE call back for a pyramid scheme. I did some consulting work and plan to do more. And I have taken over the role of national Volunteer Coordinator for HeadCount - a volunteer job that I truly love and want to put more time into as it is. But due to our move and my pregnancy I did not secure work before I had Raymond. My plan was to wait until he was 5 or 6 months and get a job because I love to work, have a new MBA to use and I need to start paying back my over $100,000 in student loans. But, as time has passed it has become more and more evident that I want to be with my child. Now I want to stay at home until he is a year and work on trying to build up more consulting work.
Morgan has supported me in so many ways - first to quit working in the first place so I could focus on school, which was amazing. Then to move across the country and take a "promotion" even though it wasn't the best fit for him professionally to give us a better life. After he quit his job in late April and I started frantically applying for new jobs in North Carolina to tell me not to - as he wants Raymond to have his mommy and that he would find work to support us comfortably so I could be at home as long as I want. This week Morgan started his new job, which does afford us that comfort (less my student loans which are just going to have to be deferred for a little bit longer).
Not to mention the fact that because of his work from home status with SunPower and then brief period of unemployment I have really had a partner in parenting. Getting up early, letting me sleep in, playing with Raymond so I could take a bath and relax or run errands. Treating me to Saturday morning tennis lessons so I could get out of the house for some real "me" time once a week. He has done it all. I am spoiled. Totally spoiled.
This week, with Morgan's new work routine, I am 100% mommy all day long. It surprises me that my arms are sore as I felt like I had Raymond most of the time anyway. And, I have to admit that while I am seriously missing Morgan during the day, I am loving the alone time with Raymond. Focusing completely on him rather than sharing him with Morgan is awesome. I feel so in tune with all his little smiles and cuddles and play time. I feel like I have gone from simply being the food and comfort source to being the playmate too. I am seeing all the developmental and emotional LEAPS again. I am so blessed to have this time and will continue to soak it up as long as I can. I love being 100% mom, thank you Morgan for giving this time to me!
Morgan has supported me in so many ways - first to quit working in the first place so I could focus on school, which was amazing. Then to move across the country and take a "promotion" even though it wasn't the best fit for him professionally to give us a better life. After he quit his job in late April and I started frantically applying for new jobs in North Carolina to tell me not to - as he wants Raymond to have his mommy and that he would find work to support us comfortably so I could be at home as long as I want. This week Morgan started his new job, which does afford us that comfort (less my student loans which are just going to have to be deferred for a little bit longer).
Not to mention the fact that because of his work from home status with SunPower and then brief period of unemployment I have really had a partner in parenting. Getting up early, letting me sleep in, playing with Raymond so I could take a bath and relax or run errands. Treating me to Saturday morning tennis lessons so I could get out of the house for some real "me" time once a week. He has done it all. I am spoiled. Totally spoiled.
This week, with Morgan's new work routine, I am 100% mommy all day long. It surprises me that my arms are sore as I felt like I had Raymond most of the time anyway. And, I have to admit that while I am seriously missing Morgan during the day, I am loving the alone time with Raymond. Focusing completely on him rather than sharing him with Morgan is awesome. I feel so in tune with all his little smiles and cuddles and play time. I feel like I have gone from simply being the food and comfort source to being the playmate too. I am seeing all the developmental and emotional LEAPS again. I am so blessed to have this time and will continue to soak it up as long as I can. I love being 100% mom, thank you Morgan for giving this time to me!
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