Last weekend was a very exciting time. On Friday Liz has us over for dinner in Chapel Hill and Raymond got to meet Liz, Chrissie and Graham as well as having a surprise visitor, Hayley! We almost bailed on the dinner party because we were so wiped out from Morgan's first week back teaching and we are SO GLAD that we did not. It was a blast and Raymond was a dream the whole time we were at Liz's house. However, as soon as he got into the car for our 30 minute drive home he started crying and did not stop until we were pulling into our driveway. It broke my heart and there was nothing I could do. Carol, our Aunt and Baby Nurse told me the next day that it is not uncommon for a baby to be in a happy zone when being exposed to a lot of new stimulus and then to respond by crying once the baby has been removed from the new situation. Very interesting.
On Sunday we followed up the dinner party by heading back to Chapel Hill to play outside. The weather has been so miserable and Sunday was suddenly a warm 66 degrees and sunny. Raymond has been out to eat and run some errands, but this was his first outdoor outing! We broke out the BOB and took it off road for a riveting game of disc golf with Graham, Chrissie and Liz. Lots of fun in the sunshine! Raymond, however, stayed shaded and asleep for the game.
I find it interesting that while Raymond is only 19 days old I feel like I have known him forever. Morgan said that his first impression when holding the baby in the operating room is that he has an old soul - and maybe that is so.
Physically he is so strong and lean. He lost a little too much weight in the hospital but since then he has chowed away on breast milk and is filling in. We checked out of our one week visit with the pediatrician with Raymond weighing 7 lbs 12 oz, so he is healthy and growing as he should be! Breast milk is working. Breast feeding has become my life, and luckily he has taken to it very easily. I kind of feel like a cow some of the time, but generally it is an amazing expereince. I have heard over the years that it is a "bonding" expereince between mom and baby - but I never imagined what the "bonding" expereince would mean in my life. I would like to think it will mean the same thing for Raymond but he probably won't remember. :)
He makes lots of grunting noises, can lift his head well, smiles in his sleep and sometimes when he comes off the boob. He keeps filling out and developing more and more characteristics - for instance his little chin which seemed to be set into the rest of his face has filled out and now looks a lot like my chin. I love observing the changes in is facial shape expressions every day. It is hard to keep up.
I obviously haven't been good about blogging since we had Raymond. Honestly my hands have been pretty full getting used to the baby - I didn't want to put him down for the first week at all. And, moreover I have been a little messed up by the way our birth turned out. I think I am over it, but the first few weeks have been filled with a lot of tears and uncertainty as a result of having our "natural childbirth" go so un-natural. Before I move on from this point, which is one that I really hope not to revisit ever - well, at least until we have another baby and we have to decide what our plan will be, I would like to reach out to all of those who say "It doesn't matter how the birth turned out because you have a healthy baby." NOT TRUE. At the same time that I am filled with the greatest joy in my life, there is also a great sense of loss and I have had to allow myself the opportunity to feel those emotions. On some level I ultimately feel like a failure - on other levels I know the interventions we had were medically necessary and know in theory that is why they exist. My experience as a new parent has undoubtedly been effected by the birth experience - not my love for or "bonding" with Raymond, but a place inside of me has hurt. I am getting over it with the support of Morgan and the community we made through our Bradley classes and friends - but it is there. I hope that new moms everywhere know that it is okay to have feelings like this and they do get better. They do - but don't feel at fault for feeling sadness about your experience in the birth process. As a woman, as a mother - you have the right to have those feelings about what YOU went through - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
And the future entries of this blog will be dedicated to my amazing son!
I am not even sure when to begin this birth story as it feels like such a wild ride really over a week. On Monday night we had our last Bradley Class and left felling recharged and ready for labor. You were already 4 days past due and we had an early appointment with Dr. V. Your dad and I had a natural childbirth planned and I was very nervous about going to the doctor and discussing induction. Luckily your dad was able to clearly talk to Dr. V while I was nervous about our hopes and the induction time line and we secured a hospital appointment on February 4 so I would have more time to go into labor. It is really important to note this appointment as it left us feeling totally supported by our medical team, which ultimately got us through your birth!
I had a healthy pregnancy so waiting the full 42 weeks before inducing seemed safe and reasonable to everyone involved. The only mild concern was that my blood pressure had started to increase slightly over the past month.
On Friday we returned to the doctor’s office for a routine check and Non Stress Test. When the nurse was doing my vitals prior to meeting with Dr. Grana I noted that my blood pressure had spiked significantly just in 3 days. I had also suffered some serious nausea the night before which then meant that I had two signs of preeclampsia in a 24 hour range. As soon as Dr. Grana came into the room it became obvious that she was also concerned about this possibility. She did the exam and asked us to head on over to the hospital where we would start induction as soon as possible. At this point I was a fingertip dilated, approximately 70% effaced and you were in a -2 station.
Your dad and I took our time (as usual). Filled with excitement, we dilly dallied around with anticipation of your arrival! We went home to get our bags and set up the animals. We also talked to our parents and a couple of friends to let them know we were headed to the hospital. We stopped at Whole Foods to get some lunch from their hot bar and get some treats for the nurses. At 12:30 we finally checked into the hospital for induction.
As we were checked in and had all of the initial work done we quickly realized that the risk of preeclampsia was limiting our birth preferences. We knew that the Pitocin would require continuous fetal monitoring and a continuous IV, so we immediately requested a telemetry unit so we would have freedom of movement. However, due to the high blood pressure this request was denied and we learned that we would have to stay in the bed or within the immediate proximity of the bed, where I had to be seated, per my doctor’s orders. I had to not only be hooked up to the IV, but also to a blood pressure cuff for a reading every 30 minutes. Additionally, I was not allowed to labor in the bath or shower.
At 2:00 pm they started a low dose of Pitocin through an IV drip. We were getting a low dose to help protect you from being under too much stress and realized that we were in for a very long night. We projected that you might arrive in the wee hours of the morning on January 30.
I checked in with our afternoon nurse and learned that my blood tests came back positively and I did not appear to in fact be at risk for preeclampsia, which in my mind meant that as soon as our midwife got there I could get a new set of orders and have all of the restrictions listed above removed from our labor.
At 6:30 pm Mary Charles, the midwife on call for my labor came over to the hospital and inserted the Foley Blub, the second part of my induction procedure. The Foley Bulb was put into the tip of my cervix and air and fluid was blown into a balloon to manually force my cervix open. Once the bulb was put in your dad and I anxiously were waiting for labor to start and to use all of our Bradley techniques! We had oils, tennis balls, rice socks, etc lined up and ready to go just as soon as things really got moving. Mary Charles was also ready and planned to spend the night to support us through the labor and delivery. At this point I was not able to ask her about lifting the restrictions as she had to run off to another labor, but knew we could discuss it when she got back.
At 7:00 there was a shift change and the first of many amazing nurses came into our life. Apparently at shift change they took requests for who wanted to work the natural birth and Kristen volunteered. As a successful mother of 2 natural births she came into our room with a positive, supportive attitude and ready advised us through the process.
My Foley Bulb came out at approx 9:30 pm and there was a lot of blood. The nurse that assisted Kristen in taking it out checked me and told us that we had made it to 3 cm of dilation. I had only felt a couple of contractions, which I would not categorize as severe. I was starting to feel very lucky about my pain management skills and thought we were moving right along.
Not long after the bulb came out Mary Charles came back into check on us. She came in ready to have “a talk” with us about our options. I, on the other hand, thought she was coming in to tell us how great we were doing and lift all the restraints on my movement, etc. As soon as she sat down I advised that I understood I was cleared from my blood tests and would like a telemetry unit and to be able to move around. She looked at me frankly and told me that I was borderline on the blood tests and my blood pressure was still running really high. She continued to advise us that we needed to discuss what our options would be in hard labor if my blood pressure was spiking. She said she would recommend either an Epidural or a dose of Magnesium Sulfate to bring my blood pressure down.
Your dad and I asked her to explain what the risks to the baby and to the mom if my blood pressure “spiked” and what the Magnesium Sulfate was. We learned that you and I were at risk for seizure due to the blood pressure increase. Additionally, Mag Sulfate is a nervous system drug given to prevent seizures. We were advised that the Mag Sulfate is safe for the baby but required more recovery time and monitoring for the mom, who would suffer many side effects. We had not heard of Mag Sulfate before and did not like the way it was described to us. Mary Charles presented us with this information so we would have time to consider it calmly and not in the heat of the moment, which I really appreciated. She also said as my blood pressure had been going down little by little over the past few hours she felt comfortable allowing me to continue on our natural birth plan.
And so we did … for the next several hours. It was snowing outside and we had a few of the courtyard where the snow was accumulating. Your dad turned off the lights and I sat on the birthing ball rocking back and forth to make it seem like I was walking and watched the snow fall while he played me the guitar. I was feeling slight cramping and the monitor was registering contractions. We felt that we were making great progress especially when my body temp started dropping and I got very nauseous for about 30 minutes. Kristen decided to check me at about 2:00 am after my stomach calmed down and we were all confident that we would be pleased! She checked me and as I looked at her face I knew we were not as far along as hoped. She marked me down as 3 cm dilated, 80% effaced and -2 station. Obviously a disappointing result, especially after being on Pitocin for 12 hours. Mary Charles and Kristen suggested that we go off the Pitocin, sleep for a few hours and start again in the morning. Additionally, Mary Charles advised that she was not comfortable breaking my waters because the baby was sitting so high. She planned to consult with Dr. Toma in the morning and said if he was comfortable doing it then it would make sense to kick in labor.
At 6:45 a.m. on January 30 Dr. Toma came in and checked me and broke my bag of waters. We learned that there was mecomium in my fluid, which means that you had had your first bowel movement inside of me and is a possible sign of distress. Mary Charles assured us that as there were no other signs of irregularity on your heart monitor we shouldn’t worry about the maconium. Pitocin started back up again at 7:00 and we said goodbye to Kristen, our sweet nurse and advocate, as we moved on to a third shift of nurses for our labor. Her parting words to us were to make sure I changed position as much as possible.
I immediately started to feel contractions. They did not hurt terribly, but required that I move around. Mary Charles let me move around as much as I wanted in the room as long as the heart monitor was working and my blood pressure was low. We lucked out AGAIN and had a wonderful nurse, Peggy, come in to work with us. Peggy came in full time and was monitoring my blood pressure, contractions, etc as well as providing awesome advice on positions in the kindest possible way. During the next 3 to 4 hours your dad and I danced together, he rocked back and forth in the rebozo, I got up and down on all fours while he massaged me and so forth. All and all I was finding the pain very manageable with the techniques we learned in birthing class as well as some good music! As long as I was moving, I never felt like the pain got more than a 5 or 6 rating on a 10 point pain scale. However, as the morning progressed I tried to sit or lie down a couple of times to try to get comfortable and preserve my strength. I found that I could not lie down or be still – then the pain became much more intense and I was unable to manage it. At 11:00 am I was checked and they found I was at 5 cm, 80% effaced and -2 station. We were so excited! You were on your way!
Peggy made the suggestion that I sit all the way up and let your dad massage my feet while we listen to music to help me get some rest. We listened to some Garcia/Grisman bluegrass and I went into a trance. I could feel the contractions coming on like a wave, but would get lost in a song and forget about them – then I would feel like your dad was pulling the pain right out of me when he would rub my feet. It was amazing! Eventually the album ended and my trance was broken and I got up and started moving around again.
Peggy kept asking me to rate my pain and I never said I was feeling more than a 6. As long as I could sway my hips in by dancing with your dad, make low, groaning breaths or be in the rebozo I was feeling good. At about 1:45 I started to feel pressure on my back and my pain level increased. Your dad started to use the tennis balls on my counter pressure point in my back with great success.
At this point I looked over and started to realize that my blood pressure was reading pretty high. First I noticed top numbers in the 150s and bottom numbers in the 90s – not that I know what those numbers mean exactly. I just knew they were high. Peggy looked a little worried and suggested that I sit down again. With the new pressure in my back it was impossible for me to get comfortable sitting or lying down. The pain suddenly jumped to an 8 or 9 on the 10 point scale when I was down. So, I of course jumped back up! At this same time I saw that my blood pressure was reading something like 169/120 – which is very dangerously high! Peggy said I had to sit down and I asked her to get Mary Charles as I was becoming frightened.
Mary Charles came into the room and said that she needed to check me and that I had to sit or lie down for a while and bring my blood pressure back down. I tried to take her direction, but sitting was too painful. She checked me at approximately 2:30 pm and I was 6 cm, 90% effaced and -2 station. I tried to get up after the exam and she told me that I really could not. My blood pressure had gotten really high (somewhere along here it was 200/95 (ish)) and it was time to discuss the epidural and/or Mag Sulfate for treatment.
I was so frustrated and in so much pain from sitting down I kept trying to put the conversation off my tricking my way into getting to stand up by claiming I had to use the bathroom. Neither your dad nor Mary Charles were letting me get away with any of these tricks. Your dad started trying to coach me through transition as he thought my irrationality and the new intensity of labor clearly indicated I was in this phase. He told Mary Charles and Peggy that is where he thought I was and how he wanted to help get me through it as we had planned. They both disagreed with his thought that I was in transition due to my progress (or lack thereof) and more notably the position of the baby.
I was sort of aware of their conversation around me but concentrating harder on trying to transcend the pain. I kept thinking that I just had to get through it, and kept trying to get off of the bed to do that. Finally I realized that when I was getting off of the bed my blood pressure was increasing a great deal and I was seeing a lot of spots whenever I sat up or pretty much opened my eyes. I remembered our conversation the night before about seizures and looked and Mary Charles and asked her to get the epidural. I immediately became so embarrassed and unhappy in my decision. I felt like your dad would never forgive me and like I had caved in and was already failing to be the mother I wanted to be for you. At this point I let my emotions totally take over and started crying about being a failure and begging your dad to forgive me. Both he and Mary Charles tried to calm me down and repeatedly told me I was not failing, that I was making a medical decision based on facts and need. I still could not hear them and continued to get more and more upset until they had to sedate me with Stadol.
As I got the shot Mary Charles said I would feel like I had one too many margaritas in a few minutes and then we would get the epidural. I was already thinking about ways to avoid the epidural and it occurred to me that the Stadol might be all I needed to get my blood pressure down. I laid back into the bed on my side and your dad wrapped his arms around me and I fell totally asleep.
When I started to wake up I felt the back pain and thought I was at home, waking up in bed with your dad in the early phases of labor. I got out of bed looking for Cooper to let him out and to start moving around to see if I was really in labor. Your dad got up and slowly brought me back to reality and I started to realize where I was and what had just happened. I started to suddenly be at peace with my choice and knew it was the right thing to do considering all the factors and our end goal – a healthy baby and a healthy mom.
I was pretty out of it when I got the epidural. Directly after they put in a catheter for my bladder and a catheter to monitor the contractions inside my uterus. Mary Charles explained that they wanted to monitor the contractions to see how effective they were being. Peggy said she needed to see how big they were from the inside to figure out the right dose of Pitocin to get the baby moving out. They asked that I go to sleep while they got a read on where I was. When I fell asleep I knew Peggy had turned the Pitocin up from a dose of 2 to a dose of 10 (20 being the highest dose). Your dad took a little break and went out to talk to his parents and get a snack. I woke up just a few minutes later to Peggy, Mary Charles and another nurse, Ann, talking in whispered tones and looking at the print out from the external monitor. I pretended to still be asleep to see if I could pick up on what they were saying and learned that I was contracting every minute and that there was no resultant progress in dilation or effacement. Additionally, they had noted a slight irregularity on the heart monitor every so often, indicating that the baby was probably in some kind of distress.
I made it clear that I was awake and asked for a report on the status and was relieved that Peggy and Mary Charles disclosed all of their whispers to me openly. Mary Charles also made me aware of something that I had missed over the past two days – the baby had not moved down at all. Every check from Friday morning with Dr. Grana to the last check that afternoon found the baby’s head to be at -2 station. Mary Charles also said it was molded, a word I had started to pick up on throughout the day on Saturday but had not really been concerned about. Apparently the baby’s head was not going to fit through the birth canal at its current position and nothing we had down over the past 2 days was affecting that position. Suddenly not only was I doped up, lying down but I also had to talk about a c-section, the number one intervention I wanted to avoid. About this time I looked over and realized that they had taken me off of the Pitocin and Mary Charles had already called Dr. Toma so that he would be ready to do the section.
Unlike the decision to get the epidural, getting the c-section with the facts in front of me was an easy choice. You were showing multiple signs of distress, the placenta was getting old, my waters were broken, I was not dilating even on a high dose of Pitocin … the list goes on. But most fundamentally, your head would not move out.
Your dad came back into the room to check on me and I updated him on the new status. He seemed surprised, terrified and relieved all at the same time. Twenty minutes later I was being wheeled into the OR and approximately an hour later you entered our world.
Your birth was a wild ride! Your dad and I came together and got through it, creating one of the most amazing experiences of our lives. Thank you for putting up with 29 hours of labor and greeting us with so much joy! We can’t wait for a whole lifetime of adventures with you, Raymond Arthur Vickery.
