Reflection

I obviously haven't been good about blogging since we had Raymond. Honestly my hands have been pretty full getting used to the baby - I didn't want to put him down for the first week at all. And, moreover I have been a little messed up by the way our birth turned out. I think I am over it, but the first few weeks have been filled with a lot of tears and uncertainty as a result of having our "natural childbirth" go so un-natural. Before I move on from this point, which is one that I really hope not to revisit ever - well, at least until we have another baby and we have to decide what our plan will be, I would like to reach out to all of those who say "It doesn't matter how the birth turned out because you have a healthy baby." NOT TRUE. At the same time that I am filled with the greatest joy in my life, there is also a great sense of loss and I have had to allow myself the opportunity to feel those emotions. On some level I ultimately feel like a failure - on other levels I know the interventions we had were medically necessary and know in theory that is why they exist. My experience as a new parent has undoubtedly been effected by the birth experience - not my love for or "bonding" with Raymond, but a place inside of me has hurt. I am getting over it with the support of Morgan and the community we made through our Bradley classes and friends - but it is there. I hope that new moms everywhere know that it is okay to have feelings like this and they do get better. They do - but don't feel at fault for feeling sadness about your experience in the birth process. As a woman, as a mother - you have the right to have those feelings about what YOU went through - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

And the future entries of this blog will be dedicated to my amazing son!