Raymond will be waking up shortly. so this will be rather brief in the world of my blog entries. I am feeling totally spent. I am angry, my nerves are shot, I'm having a terrible time sleeping because I am letting worries monopolize my mind. And as a result I don't feel like I am being as very good mom or wife, which then makes me fell guilty which also keeps me up at night.
I don't know what it is ... what has triggered this. It has been building up over the past couple of weeks - last Friday I was on the verge of loosing it while I cleaned the house. I felt so guilty for putting Raymond in his crib and leaving him there with toys while I ran around cleaning for 2 hours. (I was checking on him and he had toys and was fine, but I am used to playing with him!) I resented every minute I was spending away from him. And since then it has just escalated.
What confuses me is that I thought by starting my new routine of going to the gym I would be fulfilling my physical needs which would help me emotionally and be fulfilling for me emotionally because I am doing something for myself. But no - it has been a month and I am just tired and cranky.
What is a stay at home mom to do to get renewed? Babysitter is not in the budget. The gym is the only place where I have any sort of childcare arrangement. Husband is wiped out and distracted when he gets off of work - and he really just wants to play with Raymond at the end of the day - which does give me the chance to shower but doesn't really do much for overall renewal. Stupid TV gets turned onto baseball and husband stops talking after TV is on and then passes out in front of TV. Can't wait for football season.
I know the greatest gift in the world is my time with Raymond right now, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it is also all the time on point for my baby boy. I need a "Dude" day - or something of the like - but I don't think I get to ever have a day off again.
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